sanctuary

[cjchaffin]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

[azure]

sanctuary
Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

This poem's imagery produced movie clips in my mind that could be played at an art exhibit. Can I make a video set to this piece? I have issues with the use of the word 'flicker' in L1. In my humble opinion, I think the word "quiver" would best enhance the emotional movement of the poem. Also maybe replacing the word 'tender' in L3 with synonyms like "feeble", "frail", or possibly even "supple", could add textural depth to the imagery. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this touching work. Thank you for the read!

Azure

[71degrees]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

Like brevity poems. Like this one. And yet…looking for something new in the candles image. I'm even wondering why the image is plural and why they are all lit. Your word choices are "interesting"…and yet. Candles asking for forgiveness for doing the job for which they were intended? Okay. Is that what a father does? Don't wait too long…a candle only burns so long. But wait…you have more than one. I'm confused by the imagery. Mood is excellent. I even sympathize with the narrator and the last line / image is a keeper. I'm just not sure how you got there.

[cjchaffin]

sanctuary
Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

This poem's imagery produced movie clips in my mind that could be played at an art exhibit. Can I make a video set to this piece? I have issues with the use of the word 'flicker' in L1. In my humble opinion, I think the word "quiver" would best enhance the emotional movement of the poem. Also maybe replacing the word 'tender' in L3 with synonyms like "feeble", "frail", or possibly even "supple", could add textural depth to the imagery. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this touching work. Thank you for the read!

Azure

thanks azure. i had thought of replacing "flicker" as well but have yet to find a suitable substitute. shall think more on that... 

[cjchaffin]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

Like brevity poems.  Like this one. And yet…looking for something new in the candles image. I'm even wondering why the image is plural and why they are all lit.  Your word choices are "interesting"…and yet. Candles asking for forgiveness for doing the job for which they were intended?  Okay.  Is that what a father does?  Don't wait too long…a candle only burns so long.  But wait…you have more than one.  I'm confused by the imagery. Mood is excellent. I even sympathize with the narrator and the last line / image is a keeper. I'm just not sure how you got there.

thanks 71. i was hoping that the title would clue the reader to the poem's setting, and that paired with the image of candles and prayers and the presence of "the father" (whose identity i purposely left ambiguous), everything would make sense. maybe it doesn't work as well as i'd hoped since you're having trouble getting there. 

[Ribo]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

I think it works well with the title - I agree that "flicker" is too generic or too common a term. Not sure about "quiver", to me that brings thoughts of sex and candles that is also common associations... maybe "shiver" or "struggle". This piece takes me to a crypt or a cold church waiting for something - death maybe.

[cjchaffin]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

I think it works well with the title - I agree that "flicker" is too generic or too common a term. Not sure about "quiver", to me that brings thoughts of sex and candles that is also common associations...  maybe "shiver" or "struggle". This piece takes me to a crypt or a cold church waiting for something - death maybe.

thanks ribo, i'm still debating on how to address that 

[Samantha Susan]

I do like the crisp and brief nature of this poem, but feel that the meaning is a bit unclear. Specifically, the speaker's relation to "the father" mentioned in line 7. Also, there could be a small change to line 2 to enhance the flow a bit. I also agree with Ribo on the substitution of flicker for quiver. I think it would create a nice alliteration of the sounds. Overall a nice poem.

[71degrees]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

Like brevity poems.  Like this one. And yet…looking for something new in the candles image. I'm even wondering why the image is plural and why they are all lit.  Your word choices are "interesting"…and yet. Candles asking for forgiveness for doing the job for which they were intended?  Okay.  Is that what a father does?  Don't wait too long…a candle only burns so long.  But wait…you have more than one.  I'm confused by the imagery. Mood is excellent. I even sympathize with the narrator and the last line / image is a keeper. I'm just not sure how you got there.

thanks 71. i was hoping that the title would clue the reader to the poem's setting, and that paired with the image of candles and prayers and the presence of "the father" (whose identity i purposely left ambiguous), everything would make sense. maybe it doesn't work as well as i'd hoped since you're having trouble getting there. 

Okay, I'm a dunderhead. I'm also Catholic so I'm doubly guilty of being a dunderhead.  Perhaps a capital on Father would nudge us dunderheads a bit more.  I am a big fan of dual meaning words (Sanctuary) and should have known better. I'm liking the poem more and more after several readings. Sometimes I read…let it go a couple of days and try again.  Still a question for me on the logic of the candles and their asking for forgiveness, but with the current state of Priesthood and abuse rampaging through the church, this becomes a much more compelling theme.  Speaking of capitals (Him…perhaps another nudge?  Just a thought).

On another level, find a copy of Winesburg, Ohio and read the chapter(s) about the priest. Hell, read the whole book, it's worth the read. I see some of the same imagery here. It's an oldie but goodie book and might give you a bit more insight into a Father's thoughts.

[jtrom1010]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

I like your conceptual approach, it's creating a lot of ideas and emotions but overall I think your word choice is a little bland, I think this could really be spiced up with some stronger analogies/word choice.

[BW BRINE]

Excellent. I enjoy brief poems. One suggestion: perhaps change it to

"a father's cheek"

from

"the father's cheek"

But maybe not. Then it's a tear and a father. Maybe my father? Hmmm. Just that little portion there that sticks out a bit. Other than that, very well done.

Edit:
After reading some of the comments, the father is apparently a reference to God? OK, I like that. I definitely agree that if you were to capitalize father, it would be more obvious without changing any of the syntax. In other words, you could have a nice double reference without being too blatantly obvious; the reader knows what you're talking about, and understands both sides of the story.

-BW

[cjchaffin]

sorry for the late reply, folks. between moving into a new house and getting ready for the holidays, i've been busier than a one-armed paperhanger.

i'll address the issue that most have raised here so far: i've workshopped this with a fairly good-sized group of people and they were split three ways about who "the father" could be. i like the ambiguity of that term and i don't think it needs to be capitalized. i don't want to lead the reader to a foregone conclusion; i'd rather he or she get there, wherever "there" is, on his or her own.

that said, i kept the language simple for a reason. this is a 9-line poem. it doesn't need fanciful, flowery language to beef it up. as 71 pointed out, there is a lot of double meaning in the words i've carefully chosen. i'll leave those references be as well, they stand on their own and can be interpreted several ways.

thanks for the input and critiques, all. they truly do make me think about how to make this better

[ajcohen613]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness, "begged forgiveness" works nicely. Very simple yet effective move: object as emotional/expressive medium.

each tender wick 
a glowing reminder, This is my least favorite section, which isn't saying much since it's still pretty good. Something about "tender wick" and "glowing reminder"...I feel like there must be ways to spruce these lines up while maintaining the brevity.

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek. Haunting imagery, really. Hot wax, tears... truly sad. Two scenes at the same time. Nice move.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come. I like how the subjective "I" only comes in at the end. The remainder of the poem feels rather removed from the situation, and this ending nicely brings it all back to you, the author.

Hope the critique helps. Great Poem.

[Grace]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

I love this poem. A sanctuary of peace, light &
prayers. It made me think of a quote from Psalms
"My soul waits in silence for God alone".  The piece
makes sense to me  if  "father" and "he" are read as
Father and He.

[cjchaffin]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness, "begged forgiveness" works nicely. Very simple yet effective move: object as emotional/expressive medium.

each tender wick 
a glowing reminder, This is my least favorite section, which isn't saying much since it's still pretty good. Something about "tender wick" and "glowing reminder"...I feel like there must be ways to spruce these lines up while maintaining the brevity.

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek. Haunting imagery, really. Hot wax, tears... truly sad. Two scenes at the same time. Nice move.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come. I like how the subjective "I" only comes in at the end. The remainder of the poem feels rather removed from the situation, and this ending nicely brings it all back to you, the author.

Hope the critique helps. Great Poem.

thanks aj, much appreciated. i'm still debating what to do to this to clean it up but i will hopefully post an edit soon.

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

I love this poem. A sanctuary of peace, light &
prayers. It made me think of a quote from Psalms
"My soul waits in silence for God alone".  The piece
makes sense to me  if  "father" and "he" are read as
Father and He.

thanks grace. that is one interpretation, yes. glad you got out of it what you did 

[Grace]

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness, "begged forgiveness" works nicely. Very simple yet effective move: object as emotional/expressive medium.

each tender wick 
a glowing reminder, This is my least favorite section, which isn't saying much since it's still pretty good. Something about "tender wick" and "glowing reminder"...I feel like there must be ways to spruce these lines up while maintaining the brevity.

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek. Haunting imagery, really. Hot wax, tears... truly sad. Two scenes at the same time. Nice move.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come. I like how the subjective "I" only comes in at the end. The remainder of the poem feels rather removed from the situation, and this ending nicely brings it all back to you, the author.

Hope the critique helps. Great Poem.

thanks aj, much appreciated. i'm still debating what to do to this to clean it up but i will hopefully post an edit soon.

sanctuary

Candles flicker
with begged forgiveness,

each tender wick
a glowing reminder,

each drop of wax
a tear sliding down
the father's cheek.

Having lit them all,
I wait for him to come.

I love this poem. A sanctuary of peace, light &
prayers. It made me think of a quote from Psalms
"My soul waits in silence for God alone".  The piece
makes sense to me  if  "father" and "he" are read as
Father and He.

thanks grace. that is one interpretation, yes. glad you got out of it what you did 

The lines "each tender wick
              a glowing reminder"

If read as referencing words of God in Isaiah: "...a smouldering wick I will not snuff out", then the glowing is a reminder and the two lines work well.