I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

[Pious Baloney]

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

[ellajam]

Hi, PB, welcome and thanks for the feedback you've left for others, it is appreciated.

First, "alas" seems to me to be misused, it is a woeful word and seems out of place after the promise of something wonderful. I think the poem would be more effective if you provided even one specific image of motherlove and how it impacts the world rather than repeatedly telling me it does.

Good luck with it, hope you enjoy the site.

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

[MajestyApollo]

Hi PB. I've highlighted and numbered the lines I have issues with in the quote below.

1) 'Alas' is pretty archaic, I'd avoid it. Plus it seems to work in contrast to what you're trying to say - it conveys a bad thing whereas the rest of the poem describes it as good. On a punctuation note, you've missed a space after the ellipsis. I wouldn't use ellipses in this poem full stop, I think they could easily be replaced by commas.

2) This is the start of a trend towards the end of you poem where the lines start to become too long and wordy. I'd at very least remove 'very' but I'd be more inclined to remove 'so very' entirely. Sometimes, less is more.

3) The punctuation and line break in these two lines is jarring. It reads like one long sentence, but is punctuated as two with the full stop. The first line is also far too long, as in (2). Cut out some of the fluff and keep it tight and concise.

4) Another line that is far too long. You know the deal: cut it, shorten it, sharpen it.

5) Punctuation - I'd replace the full stop with a comma. A full stop creates a pause that makes the poem stutter.

6) Punctuation - replace the ellipsis with a colon. This line is also too long, but I'd be inclined to break it into two at the expense of another line rather than shorten it like before. I think it's a strong and pleasant image and I wouldn't like to see that be lost.

7) Puntuation - again, replace the ellipsis with a colon and break the line up into two.

8) Word choice - 'impregnably' feels very crowbarred and wrenched, but I like the meaning you're going for. Just find something less clunky to describe it.

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children. (1)

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure. (2)

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it. (3)
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children. (4)
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good. (5)
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter. (6)
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child. (7)

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. (8) 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

As a general note, the poem doesn't come across as being particularly poetic. It feels a bit like prose that's been cut up into stanzas, which does not make it poetry. This is especially noticeable in the later stanzas, where the lines start to become too long and woolly.

My suggestion would be to find some sort of tight framework to work around - a regular rhythm, rhyme scheme, meter etc that would just rein in your writing and coax it into that poetic form you're looking for.

I'll end by saying that I like the feelings your poetry seems to evoke. It's warm and powerful when it works, and I'd love to see it less diluted. Don't give up on this piece!

[paranoid marvin]

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

Lots of emotion in this poem , I do like it.

A few suggestions though...



I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

'Alas' doesn't sit well with the rest of the poem. Why is the person writing the verse unhappy to see and hear this?


But how can I see it so far away?
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

'It' would work in the first stanza when we don't know what is being describing. Now it should be 'them'.

Also as it's sound would 'clear' sound better than 'clean'? I wonder if you may have used this because you had already used 'clear' when describing the image. Perhaps the image could be described as 'vivid and clean' or 'vivid and sharp' (the softer 'clean' sounds better).

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I'd be tempted to use 'they are blessed by it' rather than 'for it'. I'd also consider using 'the love' rather than 'a love' in this context.



I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

Would 'show' sound better than 'bring'? Nothing wrong with using 'I challenge' twice either. And as the poem has been about a mother and her children to this point, I would consider using 'children' instead of 'child'

Another option is this

'I challenge the world to show me something greater
Than an innocent child's spontaneous laughter
I challenge the world to show me something stronger
Than a mother's love for her children '


That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special.
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

Very good finish and I do love the use of the world 'impregnably'. Personally I would use 'the' instead of 'that' , and lose the 'out there' and 'to that' , so

The something I see and hear is impregnably special.
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness

[azure]

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

A mother's love in undoubtedly powerful, but equally there are mothers who murder their infants and throw them into dumpsters like unwanted garbage. Sorry if I seem a bit harsh and negative, but when you use a subject matter like this, I feel as though it's overuse tends to make people disregard the flip side of such sing-song loveliness. The world is not all love and roses, but I'm sure I don't have to remind you.

Unfortunately, I don't think you adequately showed me the validity of your poetic sentiment with your current use of language. For example:


I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children. Cut Alas.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure. Cut very

It is plain to see that you attempted to express, that a mother's love is so 'beautiful', 'wonderful', and 'very clean and pure', it can span whatever distance, and therein lies its eternal beauty and truth. For one, This hard to write about without lapsing into the use of cliches, which you did, and especially when you aren't experienced enough as a writer. Alas, you tried to stress certain aspects and characteristics of the subject matter which was repetitive and lacked originality. Also there are some words in here like I suggest you cut, for they take away from the expression and weigh the piece down, seeing as you were going for a certain lightness of tone.

Overall, I can feel the sincerity of your expression, but it didn't impact me because of your repetitiveness and lack of originality. This poem needs some work. Lets both keep honing our craft.

Azure

[Pious Baloney]

Thank you for your feedback ellajam. A vocabulary refinement and a better context of the incredible love.

Hi, PB, welcome and thanks for the feedback you've left for others, it is appreciated.  

First, "alas" seems to me to be misused, it is a woeful word and seems out of place after the promise of something wonderful. I think the poem would be more effective if you provided even one specific image of motherlove and how it impacts the world rather than repeatedly telling me it does.

Good luck with it, hope you enjoy the site.  

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

[Pious Baloney]

Thank you for your feedback MajestyApollo. Vocabulary punctuation format and style refinements are in order. Also your note about the prose (vs poetry) is duly noted.

Hi PB. I've highlighted and numbered the lines I have issues with in the quote below.

1) 'Alas' is pretty archaic, I'd avoid it. Plus it seems to work in contrast to what you're trying to say - it conveys a bad thing whereas the rest of the poem describes it as good. On a punctuation note, you've missed a space after the ellipsis. I wouldn't use ellipses in this poem full stop, I think they could easily be replaced by commas.

2) This is the start of a trend towards the end of you poem where the lines start to become too long and wordy. I'd at very least remove 'very' but I'd be more inclined to remove 'so very' entirely. Sometimes, less is more.

3) The punctuation and line break in these two lines is jarring. It reads like one long sentence, but is punctuated as two with the full stop. The first line is also far too long, as in (2). Cut out some of the fluff and keep it tight and concise.

4) Another line that is far too long. You know the deal: cut it, shorten it, sharpen it.

5) Punctuation - I'd replace the full stop with a comma. A full stop creates a pause that makes the poem stutter.

6) Punctuation - replace the ellipsis with a colon. This line is also too long, but I'd be inclined to break it into two at the expense of another line rather than shorten it like before. I think it's a strong and pleasant image and I wouldn't like to see that be lost.

7) Puntuation - again, replace the ellipsis with a colon and break the line up into two.

8) Word choice - 'impregnably' feels very crowbarred and wrenched, but I like the meaning you're going for. Just find something less clunky to describe it.

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children. (1)

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure. (2)

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it. (3)
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children. (4)
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good. (5)
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter. (6)
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child. (7)

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. (8) 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

As a general note, the poem doesn't come across as being particularly poetic. It feels a bit like prose that's been cut up into stanzas, which does not make it poetry. This is especially noticeable in the later stanzas, where the lines start to become too long and woolly.

My suggestion would be to find some sort of tight framework to work around - a regular rhythm, rhyme scheme, meter etc that would just rein in your writing and coax it into that poetic form you're looking for.

I'll end by saying that I like the feelings your poetry seems to evoke. It's warm and powerful when it works, and I'd love to see it less diluted. Don't give up on this piece!

[Pious Baloney]

Thank you for the feedback paranoid marvin. Vocabulary refinements or re-wordings are in order to improve clarity and/or context.

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

Lots of emotion in this poem , I do like it.

A few suggestions though...



I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

'Alas' doesn't sit well with the rest of the poem. Why is the person writing the verse unhappy to see and hear this?


But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

'It' would work in the first stanza when we don't know what is being describing. Now it should be 'them'.

Also as it's sound would 'clear' sound better than 'clean'? I wonder if  you may have used this  because you had already used 'clear' when describing the image. Perhaps the image could be described as 'vivid and clean' or 'vivid and sharp' (the softer 'clean' sounds better).

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I'd be tempted to use 'they are blessed by it' rather than 'for it'. I'd also consider using 'the love' rather than 'a love' in this context.



I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

Would 'show' sound better than 'bring'? Nothing wrong with using 'I challenge' twice either. And as the poem has been about a mother and her children to this point, I would consider using 'children' instead of 'child'

Another option is this

'I challenge the world to show me something greater
Than an innocent child's spontaneous laughter
I challenge the world to show me something stronger
Than a mother's love for her children '


That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special.
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

Very good finish and I do love the use of the world 'impregnably'. Personally I would use 'the' instead of 'that' , and lose the 'out there' and 'to that' , so

The something I see and hear is impregnably special.
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness

[Pious Baloney]

Thank you azure for your feedback. Significant re-wording is in order to credibly communicate the Incredible love theme. Also vocabulary refinements.

Comments from all quarters welcome...good bad and ugly.  Thanks in advance.


I WITNESS INCREDIBLE LOVE

I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure.

No force on Earth prevents a mother from loving her children so passionately.
They are forever blessed for it.
No energy is stronger than a love received by a mother from her children.
Her soul is eternally replenished by it.

I challenge the world to bring me something good.
For I will counter with something great...an innocent child's spontaneous laughter.
I welcome the world to bring me something strong.
And I will deliver something powerful...a mother vowing her love for her child.

That something I see and hear out there is impregnably special. 
Indeed it is beautiful.
Indeed it is wonderful.
And I am forever privileged to bear witness to that.

A mother's love in undoubtedly powerful, but equally there are mothers who murder their infants and throw them into dumpsters like unwanted garbage. Sorry if I seem a bit harsh and negative, but when you use a subject matter like this, I feel as though it's overuse tends to make people disregard the flip side of such sing-song loveliness. The world is not all love and roses, but I'm sure I don't have to remind you.

Unfortunately, I don't think you adequately showed me the validity of your poetic sentiment with your current use of language. For example:


I see something in the distance that is beautiful.
I hear something out yonder that is wonderful.
What is it that I see and hear?
Alas...a mother and her children. Cut Alas.

But how can I see it so far away?  
Because the image is so vivid and clear.
But how can I hear it across the miles?  
Because the sound is so very clean and pure. Cut very

It is plain to see that you attempted to express, that a mother's love is so 'beautiful', 'wonderful', and 'very clean and pure', it can span whatever distance, and therein lies its eternal beauty and truth. For one, This hard to write about without lapsing into the use of cliches, which you did, and especially when you aren't experienced enough as a writer. Alas, you tried to stress certain aspects and characteristics of the subject matter which was repetitive and lacked originality. Also there are some words in here like I suggest you cut, for they take away from the expression and weigh the piece down, seeing as you were going for a certain lightness of tone.

Overall, I can feel the sincerity of your expression, but it didn't impact me because of your repetitiveness and lack of originality. This poem needs some work. Lets both keep honing our craft.

Azure