Getting The Drop

[paranoid marvin]

Hi, this is a poem I wrote a while ago (with a couple of slight alterations). Any opinions or pointers would be most welcome.


Getting The Drop



The Sheriff at last had succeeded
In catching the Man in the Hood
The trial was a foregone conclusion
Now Nottingham wanted his blood

But Robin was no common villain
A fellow who never lost hope
The outlaw once more found a loophole
But this time at the end of a rope

[Leanne]

This is a pleasant (though not for Robin) poem that would be greatly enhanced with a bit of attention to the meter.  For example:

The Sheriff at last had succeeded
In catching the Man in the Hood
The trial was a foregone conclusion -- remove 'was'
Now Nottingham wanted his blood -- I'd suggest substituting 'when' for 'now', since Nottingham always wanted his blood

But Robin was no common villain
A fellow who never lost hope
The outlaw once more found a loophole -- a colon here
But this time at the end of a rope -- remove 'but'

[azure]

Hi, this is a poem I wrote a while ago (with a couple of slight alterations). Any opinions or pointers would be most welcome.
Getting The Drop
The Sheriff at last had succeeded
In catching the Man in the Hood
The trial was a foregone conclusion
Now Nottingham wanted his blood
But Robin was no common villain
A fellow who never lost hope
The outlaw once more found a loophole
But this time at the end of a rope

Brief, yet more definitive in its expression than some of the other pieces I critiqued here in the Novice Workshop. However it lacked vigor, and suffered because of your drab choice of language. Like Leanne mentioned, the meter of this poem wasn't up to par, but can be corrected by implementing word cuts in some of the lines. By doing that, I think it you could make the poem have more musicality. Push yourself.
Azure

[billy]

i concur about the meter, just a slight tweak as explained will make read much better.
it doesn't have problems as such, as a child's ditty it works well (when the meter's fixed) perhaps you could flesh it out with a couple more verse. what's really good and in someways exceptional about it, is that you aimed for something. you have the rhyme and almost the meter and it's coherent. the last two lines are quite clever, and tie in perfectly to to the title.

what also took some time and thought was how you tried to alternate the meter from 5 feet to 4.
a plus for effort

Hi, this is a poem I wrote a while ago (with a couple of slight alterations). Any opinions or pointers would be most welcome.


Getting The Drop



The Sheriff at last had succeeded
In catching the Man in the Hood
The trial was a foregone conclusion
Now Nottingham wanted his blood

But Robin was no common villain
A fellow who never lost hope
The outlaw once more found a loophole
But this time at the end of a rope

[paranoid marvin]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I wasn't sure about the last line with the 'but' as it messed up my 10 beats per line rhthym, but I thought it was necessary to convey the meaning - obviously that isn't the case. I'm not convinced about using a colon after loophole though.