Spider (content)

[azure]

First Edit

Slick with flame
my flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
And drags her feet
While toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth to flume
Spider swoons
I rip and lick
our spasm, tick.

Tock goes the clock
I spit up flies
little Spider dies,
as toenail dries.

Original Version
Slick with pain
flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
and drags her feet
while Toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth the Moon
her spider swoons
rip and lick
our spasm, tick

Tock goes the clock
Spit up flies
Little Spider dies
A twitch, blood-eyes.

[bena]

I'm going to just comment overall and not do a total line by line. (rhyming poetry isn't my thing, but I may help a little)

The first issue I have is with the random capitalization. Some lines are lower case, other words capitalized and if there is a certain significance behind it, it is lost on me.

There is a cleverness between S3 & S4. Overall, though, I don't really know what POV this is coming from...the spider? Or someone watching it? The first stanza seems from her POV, the rest is a 3rd or 2nd person and that's confusing.

I hope I have helped in some way.\

mel.

[azure]

Thanks for the critique. I tend to be too damn cryptic. This one is going under the knife for punctuation mistakes, and point of view. Sloppy in my posting I confess, and believe I was frothing at the mouth to get this poem analyzed. As for the POV, I confused myself.

[shemthepenman]

Slick with pain
flesh and sleet - these seem a bit like random word combinations (or a bit TOO random, at least) that don't really fit together. I don't mind illogical, strange, unclear or anything, but these lines seem undisciplined. It leaves the reader wondering if the author knows what they are doing.
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek. - I personally don't really like inversion, it has it's place, but maybe not here. Trouble is, it forces the rhyme, so I am not sure how to amend that and retain the rhyme.


Spider sleeps
and drags her feet - it is unclear what is going here, and not in a good way. Whose feet are being dragged? The 'sleeping' spider's? The owner of the nipple?
while Toenail creeps - capitalized toenail, why? also, I know you are rhyming, but why no article before the noun? Unless that is the reason for the capital T... it is a name
I suck, she shrieks. - I like this part. It brings it together into some kind of focus. We have the mise-en-scène.

Mouth the Moon - capital Moon? but, I do like the image.
her spider swoons
rip and lick
our spasm, tick

Tock goes the clock - I haven't quite digested this, I feel like there is more, so I will just give my first impression which is I am not sure why the 'clock' has any place in this poem, other than rhyme.
Spit up flies
Little Spider dies
A twitch, blood-eyes. - this sounds reductive and forced.

I love poems about creepy crawlies, especially when coupled with sex, so this one appeals to me. I am not entirely certain you were going for the Freudian thing (fear of spiders being the representation of sexual repression, etc.) but that just makes it even more interesting. overall, this is certainly an appealing poem, and has a good idea behind it, but I am just not sure the architecture is so spot on.

thanks.

[GerryMattia]

First Edit

Slick with flame
my flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
And drags her feet
While toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth to flume
Spider swoons
I rip and lick
our spasm, tick.

Tock goes the clock
I spit up flies
little Spider dies,
as toenail dries.

Original Version
Slick with pain
flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
and drags her feet
while Toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth the Moon
her spider swoons
rip and lick
our spasm, tick

Tock goes the clock
Spit up flies
Little Spider dies
A twitch, blood-eyes.

"You have to pick your battles" - as a poet, you leave the last bit you re-wrote in your journal and try hard not to confess to the world you didn't get it right the first time. "Mouth to flume" was a first time read for me -- it's a good line.

[billy]

hi azure and thanks for the thoughtful feedback you've given others.
when i read the poem i know i'm missing something, is it lovemaking, i'm not sure, i see nipple and breast and possibly flume having some kind of sexual role in the poem but i'm only guessing.  have no idea what feshh and sleet is or the context. some of me it's sex while she's sleeping but again i'm not sure. i like the brevity of it and the originality but at present it's too ambiguous. all i'm in need of is one or two pointers (no too overt) that pluck at something in my brain and say's "this is what it's about"

First Edit

Slick with flame
my flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
And drags her feet
While toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth to flume
Spider swoons
I rip and lick
our spasm, tick.

Tock goes the clock
I spit up flies
little Spider dies,
as toenail dries.

Original Version
Slick with pain
flesh and sleet
her breast, bereft
sharp nipple, sleek.

Spider sleeps
and drags her feet
while Toenail creeps
I suck, she shrieks.

Mouth the Moon
her spider swoons
rip and lick
our spasm, tick

Tock goes the clock
Spit up flies
Little Spider dies
A twitch, blood-eyes.

[Leanne]

"You have to pick your battles" - as a poet, you leave the last bit you re-wrote in your journal and try hard not to confess to the world you didn't get it right the first time. "Mouth to flume" was a first time read for me -- it's a good line.

On a workshop, no you do not.  Azure has done exactly as we ask by contributing excellent, considered feedback and showing attention to editing.  Leaving the original for comparison shows the editing process, so that others may learn from your mistakes.