Viscous 11-11

[Tiger the Lion]

Viscous

 
 
The world was sickening, when
duty called for giant men
knowing blood was thinner than slaughter
 
to ensure its thickening, by
evaporating into sky,
or dissolving into water.
 
It's harder to remember
in viscous times.

[tectak]

Viscous

 
 
The world was sickening, when
duty called for giant men
knowing blood was thinner than slaughter
 
to ensure its thickening, by
evaporating into sky,
or dissolving into water.
 
It's harder to remember
in viscous times.

Hi tiger,
this is languishing and I know why.. To be brutally honest it is beyond critique . If one takes any couplet, stanza or even phrase the "sense" of it is completely absent. Why was the world sickening? You do not say.  Duty is another word for obligation so it "calls on" not "calls for". Who are the giant men? You never mention them again. What on earth is thick or thin slaughter?...except that  the word avoids a cliche....but oh how clumsily . You may as well have used "daughter" instead of "slaughter" for all the  sense it transmits.
Then  suddenly we are mixing wallpaper paste.

No to this. It is not as if the core metaphor is in place. You really MUST  try to clarify your work by  realising that the contents of your head are only interesting to others if you  SHOW what you are trying to say. Simply slapping random pop-up words and thoughts on to a page just doesn't poetry make.. Before you contra me, be aware that there ARE genres in the "world of  poetry" (sic by somebody) which permits for free-thought prose BUT even then there is a deliberation, a purpose, a point. Here, I can only deduce that YOU are struggling to find something to say as much or more than the reader is trying (or obviously not) to understand  what the hell.it is about. It's not wallpapering, is it?
Never give up,
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

Viscous

 
 
The world was sickening, when
duty called for giant men
knowing blood was thinner than slaughter
 
to ensure its thickening, by
evaporating into sky,
or dissolving into water.
 
It's harder to remember
in viscous times.

Actually, poetry can be pretty weird, but still cool. I would not out right disagree with Tec because he probably makes good point. However, your last line is interesting and you play with thinness and thickness. I'm not sure if you necessarily know what you're doing though. See flarf, and report back damnit. The giant General is suffocating up there in space!

[AronVanSciver]

I love how quick and concise this poem is. It's like the slaughter itself. The poem bashes and pounds my head. But would blood get thicker as it evaporated into the sky or got dissolved in water? Kind of seems like the opposite would happen.

[vagabond]

Viscous
 
 
The world was sickening, when
duty called for giant men
knowing blood was thinner than slaughter       as much as i think about it I can´t recognize what you meant exactly
 
to ensure its thickening, by
evaporating into sky,        do you think of blood on a battlefield? that was what came to my mind
or dissolving into water.        

 I stumble over those two lines as it´s illogical that blood shoud be thickening by evaporating AND dissolving. 
But IF you wanted to say the following it would make sense to me (explanation in brackets is not part of the verse suggestion)
"to ensure its thickening by
evaporating into sky              
instead of dissolving into water"   (this way i would instantly see water as a metaphor for tears, creating a contrast to the poorly noticed bodies on the battle field)
 
It's harder to remember
in viscous times.                   almost intentionally misread "vicious times" first.                                 

greetings,
christine

[azure]

Viscous

 
 
The world was sickening, when
duty called for giant men
knowing blood was thinner than slaughter
 
to ensure its thickening, by
evaporating into sky,
or dissolving into water.
 
It's harder to remember
in viscous times.

Ah, reminiscent of my own ramblings that take a lexicon to decode... I did enjoy this poem, but for the sake of my own poetic development, I'll have to agree with the above posters in that this makes no sense. While the format of this poem is quite compelling, most readers will have no clue what you are trying to do here. It feels as though you where trying to make this piece into something it wasn't by confusing the reader with vague imagery and a play at form. Maybe you just cleverly worded and expressed random images and mental noise into a poem? I don't know, and I assume you don't as well. Defog the mirror.

Azure

[billy]

i like the ambiguity of the poem but it's ambiguity is also a problem. the poem needs an anchor to ground it.
the title does give us 11/11 which is armistice day and that's good but after the that apart from the duty line,; the poem feels very weak in content

Viscous

 
 
The world was sickening, when no need for [when]
duty called for giant men this line is excellent but needs something solid to hold more water
knowing blood was thinner than slaughter clever way of getting round the cliche but it's more of a trick than an achievement.
 
to ensure its thickening, by
evaporating into sky,
or dissolving into water. now the poem is stretching to much without giving anything solid, no point of reference
 
It's harder to remember who for?
in viscous times.