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Inspired by starlings in Mrs. Johnosn
Edit1.1
starling
cherry tree
bang
Original:
Starling
on a cherry tree-
airgun blows.
(They are pest here, too). Not sure if the last line wouldn´t work better as "blow of an airgun", but I am afraid it would bee too long compared to the middle one.
Thistles.
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airgun blows works for me
is [on a ] needed, i wouldn't worry to much about the length of one line compared to another.
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I like the conciseness of this and I agree with Billy about dropping the 'on a' it would read so much better.
I was thinking that you could possibly have the last line just as -
bang
- it would help to make it even more concise. It's up to you whether you think it works or not.
A friend once told me that in China when they had a huge starling problem they had people with drums congregate in the squares where there were thousands of starlings and they would beat the drums constantly. They worked out that starlings have such rapid heartbeats that they only fly short distances then land and rest. As they were unable to land because the noise of the drums scared them then their hearts couldn't take the strain and they literally all died of heart attacks. An unusually novel and somewhat twisted method of pest control.
Thanks for sharing your haiku,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
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I second ambrosial's idea of ending on "bang!". With that modification, the poem emits the same sense of frantic urgency a marksman feels. Just make sure to put a comma after sterling since you're omitting "on a". The original was already an enjoyable read, but with the edits, the poem added a dimension of human instinct and deftness.
"A man with true morals behaves the same, whether starving or sated."
--Anonymous
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Edited. Full stop or exclamation mark after bang, what you think?
Thistles.
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11-07-2014, 07:47 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-07-2014, 08:03 PM by billy.)
(11-07-2014, 01:54 AM)SimikPK Wrote: Inspired by starlings in Mrs. Johnosn
1st. Edit
Starling,
cherry tree-
bang.
i think it's a great edit. it also make me smile (i must be a bad person
)
to your question; i think short poems like this work better without any punctuation. maybe an dash at the cut. that way it leaves at least a little ambiguity for the reader and a chance to get the fuck me 'yes' moment
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(11-07-2014, 07:31 PM)SimikPK Wrote: Edited. Full stop or exclamation mark after bang, what you think?
All I'm going to say is if I was a gun, I'd feel abashed if someone ended me on a period.
"A man with true morals behaves the same, whether starving or sated."
--Anonymous
try the first edit without any punctuation; the images combined with the short lines imply the breaks.
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Thankx everyone, I like the product. A freind of mine just read the poem and was like "So the bird hit the tree?" LOL.
Thistles.
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it could be. you could always put the bird on a pylon and have it go pop
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(11-07-2014, 11:02 PM)SimikPK Wrote: Thankx everyone, I like the product. A freind of mine just read the poem and was like "So the bird hit the tree?" LOL.
You could
starling
cherry tree
airgun
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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I hate starlings they invade my suet feeders and leave little for the songbirds!
How about:
Starlings
Cherry tree
Shotgun
'Star dust'
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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(11-08-2014, 02:05 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: I hate starlings they invade my suet feeders and leave little for the songbirds!
How about:
Starlings
Cherry tree
Shotgun
'Star dust'
If I were to replace the bang it would be shotgun, not airgun. But this way it has the dynamics, having a "shotgun" is too static, haiku needs the twist.
Thistles.
