A cynic's view on love and bliss

[vanilla]

A cynic's view on love and bliss

Every time
we went to get coffee at Joe's
Joe's wasn't called "Joe's, Of All the Places We'd Meet!"

Now every time
they skip down the sidewalk
I see the ants crushed by their feet.

And every time
he plucks her a flower
I see the stem shrivel behind.

And every time
her ring catches the light
I see the war around African mines.

And every time
a wooden alter is built
I see workers chopping the tree.

And every time
she turns to look in his eyes
I see her eyes turning from me.

[chanchan77]

Umm okay this poem was amazing okay wow.

A cynic's view on love and bliss

Every time
we went to get coffee at Joe's
Joe's wasn't called "Joe's, Of All the Places We'd Meet!"<-- Personally I don't really understand these lines but that's just me and I'm kinda dumb. But I would take it out and start the poem with the line below and so on.

Now every time
they skip down the sidewalk
I see the ants crushed by their feet.

And every time
he plucks her a flower
I see the stem shrivel behind.

And every time
her ring catches the light
I see the war around African mines.

And every time
a wooden alter is built
I see workers chopping the tree.

And every time
she turns to look in his eyes
I see her eyes turning from me. <-- These last lines killed me in a good way and it connected everything for me and I was in awe of this. Its relatable and heartbreaking and ugh I'm in love with it. Call me easy to please idc.

[Glittercake]

A cynic's view on love and bliss

Every time
we went to get coffee at Joe's Joe's wasn't called "Joe's, Of All the Places We'd Meet!" If this is some sort of inside story or joke idk but it confused me.

Now every time
they skip down the sidewalk
I see the ants crushed by their feet.

And every time
he plucks her a flower
I see the stem shrivel behind.

And every time
her ring catches the light
I see the war around African mines.

And every time
a wooden alter is built
I see workers chopping the tree.

And every time
she turns to look in his eyes
I see her eyes turning from me.

[Todd]

Hi,

I like the idea behind the poem and the title. I think you need to push it more though. This feels way too safe to me to get the emotional payoff you need. I also think each strophe has to be crisp and memorable.

You may also want to consider starting with either he or she and alternating only getting to they or their when you're ready to the drive the knife in.

Here are a few line notes:

A cynic's view on love and bliss

Every time--weak first line doesn't stand on its own.
we went to get coffee at Joe's
Joe's wasn't called "Joe's, Of All the Places We'd Meet!"[b]--This opening is not tight enough to start with. It needs a stronger image. Maybe the flower shriveling.

Now every time
they skip down the sidewalk
I see the ants crushed by their feet.

And every time
he plucks her a flower
I see the stem shrivel behind.

And every time
her ring catches the light
I see the war around African mines. I like the specificity of this, but at the same time you want to see something innocent naturally connecting to something more dark. How does light off a ring lead to war? The lines would be stronger if the images could connect more cleanly--even if at a slant.

And every time
a wooden alter is built--spelling altar
I see workers chopping the tree.--Again I think you can push harder to make the image have more emotional weight.

And every time
she turns to look in his eyes
I see her eyes turning from me.--Needs more build up to work as a payoff.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

[Jesstice]

I read this once- I felt betrayed, I felt loss of love.  It's bitter but not in a difficult or annoying way.  The bitterness isn't about just that relationship or love but about the way the whole world is balanced by the dark and light. It felt like if you had taken that rhythm of, when this happens I see that one step further it would have been too much, you stopped just in time.  I really enjoyed this, it felt effortless but completely genuine.  Like it fell onto the "paper" without worrying about any constrains or complexities.  Well done.   Kudos.  

[billy]

at first read it seems to have some good images and phrases but after that (on subsequent reads) nothing changes, i recently made a comment somewhere that for me good poetry gives the reader something different on each read. that isn't happening here. 2nd time round a fair bit feels like a stock reply. breaking up and lost love and all that goes with it is very hard to write about in  new ways. or in ways that create real emotion in the reader. sometime you can use symbolism to share a mood. a good original simile can be an emotional key that opens up the reader.  i don't think it would take much to make it original. spend a while thinking about how best you can connect the reader to what the 1st person in the poem feels like.  sorry for over extending the feedback,  use or discard as you see fit.

A cynic's view on love and bliss

Every time a wasted line
we went to get coffee at Joe's no need for we went to get it's redundant because you're having coffe at joes, that in and of itself shows you went there.
Joe's wasn't called "Joe's, Of All the Places We'd Meet!" i see no reason for [Of All the Places We'd Meet!] in the way it's written; i could understand
Joe's wasn't called

"Joe's,"

of all the places to meet


Now every time every time is wasted here as well, now suffices the transition from us to they needs a line or two to smooth over the transition from had to lost.
they skip down the sidewalk
I see the ants crushed by their feet. i quite like this line, it's the kind of silly things we notice in instances of a break, we see how bad they really are, [ant killing bastards.]

And every time
he plucks her a flower
I see the stem shrivel behind. behind what, or do you mean the term he leaves shrivel which feels like a good metaphor in which the stem is you or the love you feel/felt

And every time
her ring catches the light
I see the war around African mines. here is one of the lines i mention, it doesn't feel real i see blood diamonds captures something nasty and in a more abrupt way. can it rephrased to add something more powerful, i see the hurt and anger but i'm not seeing it in words.

And every time
a wooden alter is built does this happen often, use images readers can relate to.
I see workers chopping the tree. heres another phrase that feels like it was on sale somewhere in the buy me phrase section.

And every time
she turns to look in his eyes
I see her eyes turning from me.

[charlie142]

I love the idea of this poem, and the title, which really grabs your attention. However I was a little confused by the first stanza, and the poem almost lost my interest there. Maybe it could be rephrased or changed around, to be more punchy and really grab the reader's attention, as the other stanzas do?