October
#1
I sail along these edges immortality

It’s in
extension of the legs, knees maybe, too,
their curvature derivative of muscle

void

whoever said leaves autumn silently
so falling?
no, rather, crash
insistent of a suicide.

the wickers burn, stale smoke trails off
the ground, damp, rich smell of
rot

and ever

chill air smoothes itself into my skin.
#2
I sail along these edges immortality

whoever said leaves autumn silently
so falling?
no, rather, crash


Are those parts worded the way you want them?
#3
Thread temporarily closed.

From the rules of this forum:

Post here if:
- you are prepared to accept advice and suggestions to edit your poem
- you intend to spend time commenting -- in as much detail as you are able -- on the posts of other members
- you have left at least one piece of feedback on someone elses poem for every poem you post

Please give to others what you ask for yourself so that I can reopen this thread for critiques.
Thanks, ella/mod

(10-29-2014, 01:11 AM)expiring_touch Wrote:  I sail along these edges immortality

It’s in
extension of the legs, knees maybe, too,
their curvature derivative of muscle

void

whoever said leaves autumn silently
so falling?
no, rather, crash
insistent of a suicide.

the wickers burn, stale smoke trails off
the ground, damp, rich smell of
rot

and ever

chill air smoothes itself into my skin.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips





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