Baptism of tears

[Keith]

Edit 1 thanks to AJ

When the floods finally came
you were down in Dallas,
washing cars by day and floors by night .
They found you drinking whirlpools
amongst the sidewalks and cigarettes,
bare knuckles bleeding in the rain.

You had your followers,
institute inmates that shook their heads
and chewed their hands,
pills that held the banks from bursting.
Slowly you began to surface,
regression split the shell and gave you a name.

He took you when you were five;
I sat on your bed, watched from your window,
for twenty years I saw you playing in the yard,
heard your voice in every playground,
prayers whispered onto candle light,
washed your bedding every night.

The buzzer sounds as the door lock clicks,
the room smells of urine and bleach.
The warder points towards the window,
I sit between you and the misty garden view.
You fight to stall emotion but cry out “Mother”
and I am reborn.

[cidermaid]

Hi keith, I really like this one, it is one of those reads that i'm finding new things with each read.  Also you have managed to impart the depth of sadness and pain without the poem becomeing focused just on the emotion so for this reason i think it is well done.
I'll offer a couple of comments on my read.

When the floods finally came  Like the use of floods here
you were down in Dallas washing cars   although it will much up the stanza line pattern i think that this line should end on Dallas and washing cars needs to be joined with by day.  each time i have read it I have found the line split quite distracting, but other than this I think these are realy soild opening lines that offer plenty for the reader to get a fixing on and yet still have scope for the mind to play with.
by day and floors by night .
They found you drinking whirlpools
amongst the sidewalks and cigarettes,
bare knuckles bleeding in the rain.   very strong image  nice.
You had your followers,
institute inmates ready to be betrayed,   Not too sure what you wanted to communicate with this line and the one above.  It reads odd, did you mean that she had her followers (people who liked her in the institute)? and then comma...these people shook thier heads and ....   this was how it took it to be read but I felt confused by this.
shook their heads and chewed their hands,  Love this line and the one below.
pills that held the banks from bursting   Love the duality of meaning that i can read into this line.  Pill to stop the tears and pills for deranged bankers!
still slowly you began to surface,   think your sentance is running out of control.  suggest a period after bursting and not sure that you need still.
regression split the shell and gave you a name.  this line really works well and grounds the poem...I almost now want a name on the next line.


He took you when you were five;
I sat on your bed, watched from your window,
for twenty years I saw you playing in the yard,
heard your voice in every playground,
prayers whispered onto candle light,
washed your bedding each night.   this whole stanza is great and is working really hard.


The buzzer sounds as the door lock clicks open,   not sure you need open on this line, it is a bit obvious and therefore surplus.
the room smells of bleach and urine.  Can't give you a reason why, but I'm thinking  I would prefer bleach and urine to be switched over
The warder points towards the window,
I sit between you and the misty garden view.
You fight to stall emotion but cry out “Mother”
and I am reborn.   I am undecided about the use of reborn here.  I do like this ending, but reborn does not quite work for me...come alive, awaken...not sure if either of these are right.   will come back and read again later and see if anything occurs to me.

overall I really like this one.

[cidermaid]

Oh dear just realised i'm being thick again...yes to reborn, ignore my earlier comments. (itreborn is key to the link with the title and the flood...and the whirlpool ...and the bursting banks.   - note to self ... must try harder!)

[Keith]

Oh dear just realised i'm being thick again...yes to reborn, ignore my earlier comments. (reborn is key to the link with the title and the flood...and the whirlpool ...and the bursting banks.   - note to self ... must try harder!)

Hi AJ I don't deserve this excellent feedback (not had much time lately ) but I am grateful as this is very helpful, I have taken pretty much all of your comments and cannot disagree with any of them so the edit carries your mark, many thanks. Keith