Ants (Mwaba Don)

[Mwaba don]

Ants, architects of complex colonies,
their size tizzing to a man’s ego
for one to stop for a moment in wonder
to learn from their ways of work.

On sight for the whole period of watch,
move continuously through the colony
like blood passing through the heart with
their gatherings raised above their heads.

Endowed with some sort free spirit
they tear up leaves,climb walls
toil on and underground, hastily
feast on hovering birds and fowls that die.

Dazzling to see them move in line as thou
programmed with robotic instruction
yet they have not the glorious presence of
a flag carrier like that of a military parade.

[billy]

hi mwaba. in general it feels like the writer is trying to hard to create the poem. make it more natural, use some poetic devices. instead of tryig to show us the nat or the colony, be in there amongst them. make it a happening thing. use some strong images instead of generic ideas.

Ants, architects of complex colonies,
their size tizzing to a man’s ego what is tizzing?
for one to stop for a moment in wonder
to learn from their ways of work.

On sight for the whole period of watch,
move continuously through the colony
like blood passing through the heart with this is a simile, the poem needs more of them
their gatherings raised above their heads.

Endowed with some sort free spirit
they tear up leaves,climb walls
toil on and underground, hastily
feast on hovering birds and fowls that die. dead birds don't hover, they're dead

Dazzling to see them move in line as thou
programmed with robotic instruction
yet they have not the glorious presence of
a flag carrier like that of a military parade.

[Mwaba don]

hi mwaba. in general it feels like the writer is trying to hard to create the poem. make it more natural, use some poetic devices. instead of tryig to show us the nat or the colony, be in there amongst them. make it a happening thing. use some strong images instead of generic ideas.

Ants, architects of complex colonies,
their size tizzing to a man’s ego what is tizzing?
for one to stop for a moment in wonder
to learn from their ways of work.
On sight for the whole period of watch,
move continuously through the colony
like blood passing through the heart with this is a simile, the poem needs more of them
their gatherings raised above their heads.
Endowed with some sort free spirit
they tear up leaves,climb walls
toil on and underground, hastily
feast on hovering birds and fowls that die. dead birds don't hover, they're dead (hovering birds that fall to ground because they are dying or for some reason can't get back up and end up dead.)

Dazzling to see them move in line as thou
programmed with robotic instruction
yet they have not the glorious presence of
a flag carrier like that of a military parade.

[J.M.Byrnes]

Ants, architects of complex colonies,
their size tizzing to a man’s ego Curious about tizzling too.
for one to stop for a moment in wonder the structure of this sentences seems off.
to learn from their ways of work.

On sight for the whole period of watch, not sure what this means.
move continuously through the colony
like blood passing through the heart with
their gatherings raised above their heads.

Endowed with some sort free spirit
they tear up leaves,climb walls
toil on and underground, hastily
feast on hovering birds and fowls that die. Maybe just "feast on fallen birds?" Why birds and fowls?

Dazzling to see them move in line as thou though
programmed with robotic instruction I think this conflicts with what you said about "free spirit."
yet they have not the glorious presence of
a flag carrier like that of a military parade. That's kind of an odd "reverse" simile -- not sure that's working.

I agree that a more up close perspective would work better. The other approach might be to keep it more distant, more workman-like to reflect the activity of the ants -- but I think you'd have to make a clear choice between the two.

[Wjames]

Ants, architects of complex colonies, I don't think you need "Ants" here, the title's enough introduction.
their size tizzing to a man’s ego I like made-up words when it's obvious what they mean, "tizzing" wasn't obvious to me.
for one to stop for a moment in wonder
to learn from their ways of work.

On sight for the whole period of watch,
move continuously through the colony
like blood passing through the heart with
their gatherings raised above their heads. I like this stanza, but the first line confused me on first read.

Endowed with some sort free spirit "some sort" doesn't add anything for me.
they tear up leaves,climb walls
toil on and underground, hastily
feast on hovering birds and fowls that die.

Dazzling to see them move in line as thou
programmed with robotic instruction
yet they have not the glorious presence of
a flag carrier like that of a military parade. The flag carrier bit has no real build-up, a very abrupt movement from them having robotic instruction to not being "glorious", with no connection I can glean.

I agree with Billy, I think there needs to be some sort of story for a poem this long, more than just a bunch of images of ants doing their thing.

[azure]

Ants, architects of complex colonies,
their size tizzing to a man’s ego
for one to stop for a moment in wonder
to learn from their ways of work.

On sight for the whole period of watch,
move continuously through the colony
like blood passing through the heart with
their gatherings raised above their heads.

Endowed with some sort free spirit
they tear up leaves,climb walls
toil on and underground, hastily
feast on hovering birds and fowls that die.

Dazzling to see them move in line as thou
programmed with robotic instruction
yet they have not the glorious presence of
a flag carrier like that of a military parade.

Ah, bloody ants. Well it seemed as if you strained your head writing this. Forcing the creative facilities to produce never ends up well in my experience. This poem just doesn't have a natural feel or flow at all. Also, the way you are describing ants throughout the whole piece is devoid of any feeling, texture, and poetic substance. In my opinion, Art needs to draw upon some sort of emotional source from within. We just have to learn how to best draw upon those sources using technique and discipline. Don't force, feel.

Azure