Quote:restless
I've got this indecision . . .
The power's out
in the kitchen
on my mountain.
I decided
I'd go and check
the itchy sidewalk
for a cigarette.
And I'd be right back . . .
How could I just
lose your love that way?
But I did.
That's what I did today.
I know this feeling, ohhh do I
know this feeling.
Whether this poem is literal or symbolic in nature (though I'm inclined to think the former is the case here), it succeeded to make a practically instantaneous emotional impression on me, as well as cause me to feel a profound sense of empathy towards the main-speaker within this poem. *very good sign*
As I've learned from you, the poem doesn't start from the first line, but rather from the title.
The name you chose for this written work is "restless". I'm assuming this was a deliberately under-cased "r", which I find interesting. How do you feel this detail within the title furthers the overall cogency of the poem?
In regards to word choice, I'd say you found a good simple word that embodies a perfect summation to your poem. Please,
keep it , I swear to you if you change it, I'll implode into a million little pieces of non-homogenized cheese curds, leaving me vulnerable to the consumption of the odd yak, in turn causing the poor thing intestinal distress, and somehow after a domino effect of events take place you'll be at fault for indirectly furthering the Ebola epidemic.
*ahem* it's totally your call though.
Now then, I'll try to break it down as much as possible.
1. I've got this indecision . . .
I can really appreciate when a writer can forego an immediate development of their poem's main setting, and yet
still manage to pull the reader into an alternate mental space. Not only does this effect further exhort the audience to continue to read a written work all the way through, but it also directly fuels the ongoing tone of the poem, relieving the reader from needing to infer the tenor on their own (which can sometimes be considered dubious, because a lot of their own personal bias' could come into play, consequently offering them an invalid idea of where this poem is headed*). You demonstrated this technique here, which is definitely a positive thing.
I feel L1 is introspectively descriptive enough that it makes up for the lack of a concrete environmental background that introductory lines should usually contain, therefore I do not believe any changes have to be made here.
*this isn't always the case, but I find it is better to draw the reader a path, rather than making them attempt to find it themselves, blindly.
2. The power's out
I reread, reread, and reread this poem in hopes of developing a better discernment on whether or not this was part of the literal "scene setting" that the poem was deficient of thus far (or, at least within the first line and title), if it was a detail that was relevant to both the expressive/emotional tone and the setting, if it was allegorical in nature, or if it was an ingenious assemblage of all these things.
I decided to settle with the very last thought that I mentioned above, because whether this was intentional or not, this line has a lot of weight to it for the reason that it is naming off/introducing an apparently pertinent component of this poem's plot.
No evident changes are needed here.
3. in the kitchen
Ah! Good. Finally something that the reader's mind can work with in order to form the speaker's whereabouts.
Now. . . Am I over thinking the figurative components present within this poem? The further I go into my analysis and observe the way you choose to project the events as they advance, the more I feel as if the unvarnished and straight-forward pitch is supposed to be symbolic in itself as well.
Though I cannot shake the feeling that the mentioning within L2 through L3 of the kitchen's current electricity dilemma is supposed to be a parallel to the speaker's emotionally tolling dilemma.
I feel the minimalism within this line is your way of expressing a poetic style that I cannot personally refute as invalid, therefore, since it's relevant to the poem's plot (at least, I assume it is due to the things I outlined directly above this paragraph), it can stay as is.
4. on my mountain.
I believe this isn't literal, my apologies if that's obvious, but I've used a phrase like this before in order to more poetically state a place of isolated peace or a personal secluded sanctuary of some sort, so I think I can understand your usage of the word "mountain" here.
Although I think it'd be interesting to possibly add an adjective before "mountain" (which would supplement the meaning behind the word, add a small point of explanatory interest within the conclusion of the stanza, and possibly bring additional depth to the poem as a whole), I feel any additional words could potentially break the harmony within this stanza's current line pattern.
For that reason, it is up to you whether or not the addition of an adjective here would be of value to this poem or not, because with the
right adj, it could really work here (despite the slight pattern intrusion it may possibly cause . . . but maybe the word you choose would be so effective, it would somehow override the imposition it has on the stanza's pattern?)
5-6.
I decided
I'd go and check
When there is less than three words within a line, I think it's appropriate to analyze the line below it simultaneously, just so there is more to expand on.
First of all, I'm so glad to see that you've made the POV pretty darn apparent within this poem (in every stanza in fact!), as things get a bit more complex (since the implementation is much more tricky) when a poet tries to play POV-catch with two, three, or more different figures within a poem. So, just a small comment there on a relatively diminutive aspect of these two lines.
Now, there are two key words here that spark my interest: "decided" and "check".
With the first word I found interesting, I sense an intended correlation with L1 of S1 of the poem that reads: "I've got this indecision . . ."
The word play makes me think that the speaker might have already unconsciously made a decision about the main dilemma, but for whatever reason, they find it hard to admit to themselves it is so. Maybe they've muted their inner most self in order to hold onto emotions that would otherwise have to be let go if they were to finally make a choice. Again, I feel a lot of sympathy towards the main-figure within this piece... I have felt this way before, and I can understand that it is an incredibly complicated place to be in.
The second word I wanted to analyze was "check".
Alright, so L6 is referring to the action of "checking" (in this case, the sidewalk mentioned in L7). The speaker could have simply said that he/she was going outside, but no, they were going to "check" outside (for a cigarette, mentioned in L8; I'll be getting ahead of myself if I mention too much about the cigarette here). Some synonyms for "check" include: "inspection", "review", and "test". From this, I feel as if it is implied that the speaker needs to "review" or "inspect" these thoughts/emotions in a different environment, thus justifying the title's meaning further. He/she is undeniably restless.
Of course, the alternative meaning behind the usage of "check" (in relation to a cigarette) here might be that the speaker is one of those fellows who scavenges for reburns! This would impose upon the speaker slight character development and possible masked symbolism.
All in all, these two lines are well structured as is and very dense with nicely applied significance (albeit a bit veiled), therefore you really shouldn't need to apply any sort of editing to them.
7. the itchy sidewalk
Man. . . How restless is this individual, as to refer to the sidewalk as "itchy"? This simple adjective usage really helps define the poem's general character, and I like that a lot. One connotative meaning behind itchy could definitely be "bothersome", which is a word that could describe "restless"; the connections here really aid in this written work's flow, I've noticed.
Of course, I find the scene setting helpful to the mind for imagery purposes. The variation of setting thus far is pleasant as well, nice job there.
8. for a cigarette.
Ah, one of the most well known temporary antidotes for stress. I can see its connection with the poem's main idea clearly, and I suspect other readers can as well. . . but is there something a bit deeper there? I think so.
The
cravings associated with the usage of cigarettes may apply to some sort of emblematical message; does the speaker "crave" or "deeply miss" someone or possibly
something? Is this in junction with their indecision? L10 in the last stanza makes me think so.
I couldn't say any actual editing here would do anything to make this line better. Any addition of grammatical jewelry would take away from the frankness that this stanza-- or actually, this whole poem radiates. I think that is a crucial function for this piece of writing, and messing with it would throw off not only the verbal rendition, but the general comprehensible read-through.
9. And I'd be right back . . .
The pauses that you obviously emphasized before and after this line are
really important.
I think three spaces was just enough and didn't overly underline the fact that not only was time passing, but emotional reflection was taking place as well.
I don't know much about the deep mechanics of spoken poetry, but I do know that affably elongated pauses can really add a lot to a poem, and I'm glad you included that in the written version as well.
Now, onto the actual words. This may be too analytical of me... but do these words also have some sort of concealed significance behind them? I mean, other than just "I'd be right back [from my smoke break]. . . "
I'm hesitant to say, but I feel as if the speaker might have been also implying that they'd be putting themselves "right back" into the same situation if they were to "love" again (referenced from L11). OR the speaker might just be saying that they'd surely be "right back" for another smoke soon enough, due to the consistence restlessness.
My last translation of this line would be that the main figure might have meant that this has happened before, and this restlessness is a consequence of a cycle of events that leads to even more indecision.
I'm trying to find the importance behind this line, and I know it's there somewhere. Am I correct in any of my presumptions for this line? Or is it literal? If not, than it may
possibly need a bit of a tweak in order for the reader to at least have some sort of idea of what you're trying to say here (even if it was a silly reason, it still should be somehow comprehensible).
10-11.
How could I just
lose your love that way?
I coupled these two sentences up for analysis, it seems to be a bit easier to understand that way.
This question gives the poem a different dimension; the reader now has some dialogue/thoughts from the speaker documented within the poem. This is not a negative thing, and I was glad to see it.
These two lines in the last stanza are incredible connectors to all of the events and ideas scattered within this poem. It also now tells the reader that this restlessness and indecision is likely connected to the love that the speaker lost. The question is vague, but for good reason I believe. The way in which this valued love was lost must have been incredibly tolling, and the way this question is formed almost implies that it is of the speakers doing. It could have been accidental, or purposeful, but either way the speaker felt that they mourned the lost love nonetheless. The amount of emotion in this one question is amazing, because it's very impacting and influential to the reader's overall outlook in regards to how they view/absorb this written work.
No further clarification here is needed, I think it's important it remains vague and ever so slightly figurative in nature. Great job with this inclusion!
12. But I did.
This line made my heart drop, because it was the speaker reflecting, almost woefully regretting his/her lost love. He/she
did lose this love, it was gone and not something that was much of a question anymore. A three word sentence ending so abruptly with a period
must mean something. It must be a very mournful meaning at that.
This line is so short and sad... if it were written on paper, I feel this line would likely be one that had dried lifted spots of moisture surrounding it, as if at the moment these three words were written, tears were undeniably present.
I believe that there can be so much power translated through simplicity (if done properly), and you've done very well here with successfully executing that concept.
13. That's what I did today.
After reading this line over and over again, both individually and in context, I found it was an adequate closing to a very well structured (emotional) poem.
I feel this sentence is crucial to the last stanza because if it were to end on the note of "But I did." I would feel as if the speaker had to mutter just a few more things, but was unable to. The sense of closure that the reader should have when coming to the end of a poem is more vital than most assume.
Lastly, although the events were limited for a whole day's worth of time, I think it gives the reader even more of a reason to attempt to discover the meaning behind each event the speaker outlined throughout this poem (due to their implied significance).
