Distilled. (Edit 2)

[cidermaid]

Edit 2.
 I'm not convinced about this, left unsure what was actually wrong with the original or edit 1...any / all  comments about the edits or the original appreciated.


Distilled
Divested of my white coat,
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I tilt my glass
forty five degrees.

A ring of tears forms
and one by one,
sequentially by age
the drops
fade and re-form.

At the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs
run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

The boiling flask continues
to flame the remains.
Whorls of water bleed
and diffuse into the mix;
drip by drip to volumetric completion.
                                                                                                                                            
You read the final proof
at the digital density meter bench,
temperature compensated to twenty degrees C,
it reads weight by volume.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

Under proof             
                        there is no spark.



Edit 1.

Okay i have moved the vaporise up a line in response to Tectac's suggestion, but i could do with a bit more feedback on a couple of thoughts before i set about an edit proper.

This is set in a lab - I was aiming for a present tense open & close on the lab assistant having a glass of wine (alone) at home, with past tense reflections on her work in the lab. 
Do these settings need to be more clearly identified to give this poem clarity, as from the feedback recieved I am left thinking that the lab setting element of the poem was not really working or clear enough for the reader to pick up the images and also the idea of the wine glass to start finish the poem is equally not communicating.
Perhaps a clasic writers mistake because i have a very clear (and well known) image which I have used but it seems to have not translated very well.
Any comments or thoughts welcome.
Many thanks AJ.
[b]


Distilled  [/b](Editited before comments)


A ring of tears form,

drop back,
 
re-form.


Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

Unwatched the boiling flask
flames the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
reads weight by volume.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

Under proof

                     there is no spark.





original as posted

Distilled

A ring of tears form,

drop back,
 
and re-form.

Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

Unwatched the boiling flask
continues to flame the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
gives a reading of weight by volume.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

[tectak]

[b]Distilled  [/b](Editited before comments)[b] edited
[/b]

A ring of tears form,

drop back, drops. Singular ring
 
re-form.


Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise. I don't really see what the advantage is of line breaks being so inconsequentially chosen. "vaporise" would be so much better if it was kept with pearls.
Gravity fed legs collect Are the legs "collecting" as in "grouping" or as in "gathering". If gather then say gather. If you insist on grouping then I am not sure of the imagery and how it relates to "run in spirals" Either way it is an odd picture. I can tell you see it but the last two lines in this stanza only add to the enigma. I guess what I am saying is you are making the simple complex. Is that your aim? Perhaps a Liebig condenser is too much...at least you cannot see inside the metal version!
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

Unwatched the boiling flask ...unwatched?...so how do you know...and would the result be the same if watched. We are talking distillation not quantum mechanics
flames the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
reads weight by volume.On balance, yes to the methodology but the mixture of science and sentiment is a complex draft.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass. Why a wine glass?I though we were distilling not brewing?

Under proof

                     there is no spark. Correct

Don't take my clever-dick comments to heart....but as soon as we introduce the scientific endeavour in to poetry we tend to bend veracity verse. That's ok...but I can only call it as I see it.
Best,
tectak



original as posted

Distilled

A ring of tears form,

drop back,
 
and re-form.

Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

Unwatched the boiling flask
continues to flame the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
gives a reading of weight by volume.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

[cidermaid]

Hi Tom, thank you for your thoughts I always appreciate the time and the input that others offer me.

I do not take any offence, however I would say that you do seem to be having a few negative moments recently....in fact it would appear that my poem caused sufficient distress to cause you to repeat your comments three times...a well accepted literary device to underline a point...so I’m thinking you didn’t like it then!

I guess crappy poetry can do that to a man, so fair enough if your lair is littered with such.

Normally, at this point I would humbly submit with genuflexion to your considerably greater skills in the use of both poetic endeavours and literary devices, However it must be my age, because recently I have  become quite garrulous.

So I am going to do a first and answer back in assertive tones on this one.

(I know bravo for me!) 

[b]Distilled  [/b](Editited before comments)[b] edited
[/b]

A ring of tears form,

drop back, drops. Singular ring   drops would be silly.  singular ring, multiple drops.  See ref in good old wikipedia "tears of wine"   Alcohol legs cling to the side of a glass.  Individual drops form/ rise and fall and re-form due to the unique surface tension behaviour properties of  alcoholic spirit.
 
re-form.


Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise. I don't really see what the advantage is of line breaks being so inconsequentially chosen. "vaporise" would be so much better if it was kept with pearls.   I could actually concede that vaporise could be placed on the line above to some effect...but then this was not a random word slplatter gun effect as you might suppose, but rather was a determined decision to try and cause a sound effect in the read to simulate the phisical behaviour of the condensate droplets as they coalesce at the spalsh back neck of the condensor feed pipe...in that there is a definable pause moment.   (It was also a deliberate line choice for emphasis on the under metaphor image of the transient nature of pearls of love).   Does it work?  Perhaps, perhaps not, you might well be right on this point. I was undecided either way and kept switching it back and forth.
Gravity fed legs collect Are the legs "collecting" as in "grouping" or as in "gathering". If gather then say gather. If you insist on grouping then I am not sure of the imagery and how it relates to "run in spirals" Either way it is an odd picture. I can tell you see it but the last two lines in this stanza only add to the enigma. I guess what I am saying is you are making the simple complex. Is that your aim? Perhaps a Liebig condenser is too much...at least you cannot see inside the metal version!   Hmm.  Yes the dropplets  collect.  (I would take a grouping or gathering to be suggestive of organisation or inteligent cooperation.  Is it your suggestion that I personify the alcoholic distilate?... because i think this would be distinctly odd!).  The condensate is rapidly cooled at the head of the vertical glass coil condensor. The surface tension properties of the distilate cause it to collect in tear drop / pearl sized droplets which then rapidly fall through the coils in a series of waves / curtains.   the first run off will have a higher proof (ABV) reading and would likely pass the gunpowder test, but this explosive nature is soon dissapated by the subequent droplets.  During the test a point is reached when the "legs" as they are sometimes refered to, become more water than alcohol.   (At this point there is no further need to run the distilation and the flask can be made up to height with distilled water....
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

Unwatched the boiling flask ...unwatched?...so how do you know...and would the result be the same if watched. We are talking distillation not quantum mechanics.   ....however this point can be easily overlooked in a busy lab.   Unwatched? - well yes the point of who  can then make an observation about this is semi valid...but me thinks this is just being pedantic for the sake of it.   It could equally be taken as an observation about what happens not what is happening in this case.   In fact could not  the whole poem be taken as observational notes in the past tense?  (I am sure you will hasten to correct me in my wrongness here)
flames the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
reads weight by volume.On balance, yes to the methodology but the mixture of science and sentiment is a complex draft.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass. Why a wine glass?I though we were distilling not brewing?   The whole brewing industry uses the standardised sampling glasses for flavour evaluation.  The process described above is in a laboratory setting, hence the gunpowder referance and the scientific instrument mentions.   The first and last lines are linked to both personal consideration / consumption by a singular person. 
To conclude my refutation thoughts: - In my tiny little confused mind, I have directly lifted what I see on a daily basis in the lab at the cider works, where we make cider (as opposed to brewing it) and then blend for quality, (in the same way that they do at a winery or distillery) the end product is tested for amongst other things - alcoholic strength, by distilling a sample and testing the distilate.  I then linked these images with that delightful little picture on the wikipedia page to conjour up this pitiful attempt at a poem about these things, with a love / relationship methaphor thrown in for good measure.

Under proof

                     there is no spark. Correct   so I'm left unsure if this was a clever dick comment as referanced below, designed to make a quip about the lack of spark in this poem, or if in fact this is a token nod to encouragment, to suggest that there was a line in the poem you actually did not activly dislike
....I can only call it as I see it. The peom might well be open to individual assesment and considered rubbish - readersperogative darling.
 However, the under-supporting information is understood and observed on a daily basis, albeit by a un-scientific mind, of dubious intelect.
  
Too much information in this reply?  I blame it on the varacity comment, cidermaids are odd creatures - must be all those legs they keep testing. 
Seriously though,I just want to say that i do take your comments to heart...I actually listen to and value what you have to say, (sad but true) and overall...it's all good. 
Thank you.


Don't take my clever-dick comments to heart....but as soon as we introduce the scientific endeavour in to poetry  we tend to bend veracity verse. That's ok...but I can only call it as I see it.
Best,
tectak



original as posted

Distilled

A ring of tears form,

drop back,
 
and re-form.

Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

Unwatched the boiling flask
continues to flame the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
gives a reading of weight by volume.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

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[tectak]

Hi Tom, thank you for your thoughts I always appreciate the time and the input that others offer me.

I do not take any offence, however I would say that you do seem to be having a few negative moments recently....in fact it would appear that my poem caused sufficient distress to cause you to repeat your comments three times...a well accepted literary device to underline a point...so I’m thinking you didn’t like it then!

I guess crappy poetry can do that to a man, so fair enough if your lair is littered with such.

Normally, at this point I would humbly submit with genuflexion to your considerably greater skills in the use of both poetic endeavours and literary devices, However it must be my age, because recently I have  become quite garrulous.

So I am going to do a first and answer back in assertive tones on this one.

(I know bravo for me!) 

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[url=//uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/]
[url=//uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/][/url]

Ah well, it only goes to show ONE my points...no...two. Mixing science and poetry is difficult for the reader who only knows one or the other.Point one.
The other point is a grammatical nicety. Consider.
A ring (of tears) form....or A ring (xxxx) forms.
Then.
A ring (of tears) drop back...or A ring (xxxx) drops back.
Sure, it's pedantic...I gotta find something to fault you on

The lab environment I am used to...I learned but do not understand the principle of distilling from a cider then testing the alcohol. Alcohol is alcohol..ethylene or methylene...what are we looking for in this test? I need to know.
Best,
tectak

[ray]

Strictly speaking, I think this is correct -
A ring of tears forms, drops back, re-forms.

Whereas
Many rings of tears form, drop back, re-form.

But anyhow, what with the freshly formed pearls, form is rather ubiquitous. I'd seek an alternative to freshly formed.


Caught at the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls
vaporise.
Gravity fed legs collect              - Gravity fed felt very odd at first but I like it now. Needs a hyphen?
and run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension    - nice sounds
to prove the gunpowder test.         - that's lost on me.

Unwatched the boiling flask            - Is there a purpose to Unwatched?
flames the remains.
Whorls of water
bleed and diffuse into the mix.
The final proof,
at the digital density meter bench,
reads weight by volume.                    - that's lost on me too.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

Under proof

                     there is no spark.

Nice last 3 lines. For me Below proof would be clearer, but then my scientific understanding is poor.

[cidermaid]

Editing questions posted - any comments or thoughts appreciated.
Thanks AJ.

[cidermaid]

Thank you tectac and ray for your feedback.
done an edit hope this a bit clearer.

(Tec - It is ethenol alcohol for fruit sugar fermentations.)

[tectak]

Thank you tectac and ray for your feedback.
done an edit hope this a bit clearer.

(Tec - It is ethenol alcohol for fruit sugar fermentations.)

Hi cider,
Yes,I know it is ethyl alcohol...so what are you testing the distillate for? If it is low in EA then that is a failing in distillation...sorry, I am just interested. Are you distiling a fixed volume to determine the proof? It doesn't affect the poem either way
Best, tectak

[cidermaid]

Fixed volume for the proof.
We ferment most of the juice out at natural strength...so this will give an average finish strength of around 6.5. - 7.5. (Depending on the Brix / S.G of the juice...depending on the normal factors Sun /variety etc.
The finished products range from 4.5 - 7 ...so I need to test before and after the polishing filter.

Too much detail perhaps...I spend a lot of time waiting for alcohol tests...and since I took to doing poetry crits whist I wait...quite a lot of time returning them after I have let them go too far because I was not watching them!

[tectak]

Fixed volume for the proof.
We ferment most of the juice out at natural strength...so this will give an average finish strength of around 6.5. - 7.5. (Depending on the Brix / S.G of the juice...depending on the normal factors Sun /variety etc.
The finished products range from 4.5 - 7 ...so I need to test before and after the polishing filter.

Too much detail perhaps...I spend a lot of time waiting for alcohol tests...and since I took to doing poetry crits whist I wait...quite a lot of time returning them after I have let them go too far because I was not watching them!

Excellent, All clear and understood. I shall sleep tonight. Thanks.
tectak

[ray]

Looking at all 3 versions, I prefer the original. I think the current 3rd and 4th stanzas are fine, rather good, in fact.

Divested of my white coat,     - It's a mistake to open with this in my opinion. The 2 opening lines should go after the digital density stanza and the other 2 aren't needed.
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I tilt my glass
forty five degrees.

A ring of tears forms    - I prefer the simplicity of the original version - with correct grammar!
and one by one,
sequentially by age
the drops
fade and re-form.

At the neck of a glass condenser,
freshly formed pearls vaporise.
Gravity fed legs
run in spirals,
a falling curtain of surface tension
to prove the gunpowder test.

The boiling flask continues
to flame the remains.
Whorls of water bleed
and diffuse into the mix;
drip by drip to volumetric completion.  - an improvement, I think 
                                                                                                                                            
You read the final proof                     - this is where I begin to think that the science overcomes the poetry
at the digital density meter bench,
temperature compensated to twenty degrees C,
it reads weight by volume.

I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

Under proof             
                        there is no spark.

This is my preferred ending

Divested of my white coat,
wrapped in a feather sofa,
I prefer to simply count the tears
as they rise and fall in my wine glass.

Under proof             
                        there is no spark

[cidermaid]

Thanks ray those comments are really helpful, I will chew over my options and post an edit in due course.
I think i will be using your last lines suggestions.