What have we done..

[Ryan_w_r]

I've pasted this here as ane example of why we expect feedback with a bit more thought. a lot of the replies are stock  replies often found in other poetry sites. please take a look and see how not to give feedback, (this has little to do with the poem or poet who posted except to say they're not getting a fair shake of the stick. )

everyone gets a welcome email with the rules as well as a pm. one line replies don't cut it outside miscellaneous and for fun forums. in novice, mild and serious we hope for and expect more. we don't want to known as a vanity site. it isn't why were all here. /admin/member 

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My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


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Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

[oceanwanderer20]

I think this is a fantastic poem. As I read it I can definitely hear it being read as slam poetry. It flows really nicely throughout as well. My only recommendation is that you could probably add a concluding line or two.

[Ryan_w_r]

Thank you! And I agree.. It doesn't feel complete

[Hackbabe2013]

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..
Hi Ryan, I like the poem, but some of the lines can be shorted to better reflect the one it's associated with and it needs an ending.


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Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

[Ryan_w_r]

Thank you for the input. I will edit it sooner or later. Have a great day

[816270]

I kind of actually like the fact that it doesn't end conclusively. I think it almost adds a weird piece of symbolism, in that we are utterly helpless in the world. And I agree, it would definitely be best read as slam poetry.

[gypsyrose]

It's a great poem, it has a nice flow, I would leave it the ways it is. I like the way it ends. I also think it is a wonderful sentiment that will never happen.

[spacecoaster]

I like the extra editing Ryan_w_r suggested. I would like to suggest adjusted spacing and starting new lines. I think it will help a reader that may be unfamiliar with slam poetry sort out the tone of the poem. For instance I would change it like this:

Political unrest

Riots in our streets.

Circular wars

Scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying, babies to rest

Fathers resting in another woman's sheets.

Another child looses their life on the streets.

Media calls them "casualties of war"...

To me

More like casualties of greed.

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed.

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth.

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work...

We are a pasteurized, preservative-filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations...

I loved the poem overall. I hope I gave comprehensive feedback, as this is my very first posting

[billy]

I've pasted this here as an example of why we expect feedback with a bit more thought. a lot of the replies are stock  replies often found in other poetry sites. please take a look and see how not to give feedback, (this has little to do with the poem or poet who posted except to say they're not getting a fair shake of the stick. )


everyone gets a welcome email with the rules as well as a pm. one line replies don't cut it outside miscellaneous and for fun forums. in novice, mild and serious we hope for and expect more. we don't want to known as a vanity site. it isn't why were all here. /admin/member  

(please take time to view some of the replies)

[rayheinrich]

"Nor public flame, nor private, dares to shine;
Nor human spark is left, nor glimpse divine!
Lo! thy dread empire, Chaos! is restored;
Light dies before thy uncreating word:
Thy hand, great Anarch! lets the curtain fall;
And universal darkness buries all.”
― Alexander Pope


"Walter Sobchak: Also, let's not forget - let's *not* forget, Dude - that keeping wildlife,
an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city - that ain't legal either.
The Dude: What are you, a fucking park ranger now?
Walter Sobchak: No, I'm...
The Dude: Who gives a shit about the fucking marmot! "
- Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, from the movie "The Big Lebowski"

[Leanne]

If anyone's wondering where their inspiring words of wisdom went today, they've been deleted because they all said "I like this" or "wow, great flow" or "I can really relate". You want people to give you useful feedback? Works both ways, people.