Virginea Wolfed '65

[tectak]

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes;
she cried because her body she despised.
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow.

From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

[billy]

hi tom
it feels forced to fit the rhyme change the rhyme and the speech reverse you can

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes; i think this is a great opening line, which can be interpreted in a few ways.
she cried because her body she despised. i see they had yoda-speak even in 65
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow. the last phrase feels really cliche, maybe it was fresh back in the days though, now, it needs working on.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow. this is a nice touch it has a sense of pride in owning her for the day. and a lack of feeling.

From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

[bena]

anyone's


Written in '65? If so, holy bleep Old man.

[tectak]

hi tom
it feels forced to fit the rhyme change the rhyme and the speech reverse you can

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes; i think this is a great opening line, which can be interpreted in a few ways.
she cried because her body she despised. i see they had yoda-speak even in 65
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow. the last phrase feels really cliche, maybe it was fresh back in the days though, now, it needs working on.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow. this is a nice touch it has a sense of pride in owning her for the day. and a lack of feeling.

From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

Yeh...I am popping these oldies up since I discovered a gap in the market. Sombody stole my "...lust is the drug" and cliched it in to "..love is the drug".
Keep critting...it makes me feel young again.
There IS a change I made in L1. Originally, and contemporaneously, the "was" was "I". What say you?
Best,
tectak

[tectak]

anyone's


Written in '65? If so, holy bleep Old man.

Bugger...I wasn't sure about that apostrophe...I feel like a fool.

....er, there's no fool like an old fool.

I can remember writing it...her name...the place...but I am buggered if I would recognise her....or vice-versa. Just as well, really.
Best and thanks,
tectak

[billy]

i think [was] is the stronger word

hi tom
it feels forced to fit the rhyme change the rhyme and the speech reverse you can

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes; i think this is a great opening line, which can be interpreted in a few ways.
she cried because her body she despised. i see they had yoda-speak even in 65
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow. the last phrase feels really cliche, maybe it was fresh back in the days though, now, it needs working on.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow. this is a nice touch it has a sense of pride in owning her for the day. and a lack of feeling.

From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

Yeh...I am popping these oldies up since I discovered a gap in the market. Sombody stole my "...lust is the drug" and cliched it in to "..love is the drug".
Keep critting...it makes me feel young again.
There IS a change I made in L1. Originally, and contemporaneously, the "was" was "I". What say you?
Best,
tectak

[ray]

I'd suggest removing was from the first line altogether and putting it in the 2nd line where the 2nd she is

Virginea's soul crammed in to her eyes;
she cried because her body was despised.

I like the last line. Should it be anyone's?

[tectak]

I'd suggest removing was from the first line altogether and putting it in the 2nd line where the 2nd she is

Virginea's soul crammed in to her eyes;
she cried because her body was despised.

I like the last line. Should it be anyone's?

Thanks for the take ray. I need to do something but the "...her body was despised" is open ended. I want to say that SHE despised her own body. Interesting that the assumption is made that she cried for that reason...there could be another
Best,
tectak

[arbitraryarmor]

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes;
she cried because her body she despised.
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow.
From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

Honestly, the only line that sticks out to me as original in this four-liner is the first one. Each other one is one that we've heard before; perhaps you could use creative language to say it in a new, fresh, and/or different way? After reading this poem, the one thing I want most from the writer is for them to expand on what they touched on in this poem. Why did she despise her body, yet have so much lust? What does that feel like for her? For you? Make it personal, make it raw, make it come from within. Make it contain observations someone couldn't just make with their eyes, but rather their heart.

[Todd]

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes;
she cried because her body she despised.
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow.

From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

Tom, ugh. I looked up to verify the forum. What are you doing? Punctuation errors, cliches, this isn't like you.

This just feels like a forced mess. If you're going back through the old stuff to see if it can be updated I'd focus on the idea your briefly touch on in L4. In what way do the famous belong to us? There's something there you could work with.

Sorry I didn't see much more.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes;
she cried because her body she despised.
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow.

From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

Tom, ugh. I looked up to verify the forum. What are you doing? Punctuation errors, cliches, this isn't like you.

This just feels like a forced mess. If you're going back through the old stuff to see if it can be updated I'd focus on the idea your briefly touch on in L4. In what way do the famous belong to us? There's something there you could work with.

Sorry I didn't see much more.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd, thanks for commenting.
Oh, there isn't much more! This is how it all began...and it isn't over yet.
I was an oversimplified youth...fortunately my peers were simpletons too. This forum now is too good for me then.
Ugh,
tectak

[tectak]

Virginea's soul was crammed in to her eyes;
she cried because her body she despised.
Young lust her drug, an easy pill to swallow.
Today she's mine...she's anyones tomorrow.
From archives. tectak 1965
Apologies to Barbara Streisand

Honestly, the only line that sticks out to me as original in this four-liner is the first one. Each other one is one that we've heard before; perhaps you could use creative language to say it in a new, fresh, and/or different way? After reading this poem, the one thing I want most from the writer is for them to expand on what they touched on in this poem. Why did she despise her body, yet have so much lust? What does that feel like for her? For you? Make it personal, make it raw, make it come from within. Make it contain observations someone couldn't just make with their eyes, but rather their heart.

That's the trouble with originality...the origin. Though written almost 50 years ago I still feel apologetic for diverse reasons. I guess this is short-form destined but I really will take critique and modify as an exercise.
The reason for posting is getting lost. A crit complained that I used big words that he didn't understand....like "understand"...so I stuck up a very old piece written before I used complicated words...like "complicated"...to see what would bite. Tiddlers. Enough of this...I must write something new. The next 50 years will not generate (make) critique that matters to me
Best and thanks,
tectak (believe me...it WAS personal)