The Onset of Winter

[Jae Mc Donnell]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.  

The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  

She shivers, a moment of weakness; 

He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, 

ripping at her flesh 

as innocent souls, 

entranced, 

huddle against the cold onset of winter 

and watch the death of a flower.

[vanilla]

I love the wording of the first two lines. The one part that I found could use a little work is the "violently his vast being rages"--I feel that the "violently" is already shown in the ripping of the flesh. Amazing job, though

[Owl]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,
ripping at her flesh
as innocent souls,
huddle against the cold onset of winter
and watch the death of a flower.

The winter ("He") is ripping at "her" flesh, and then the poem switches to many being affected by the winter...? I feel like there is something a bit awkward about that, as if there's a missing line between L5 and L6. Is there some sort of hidden symbolism behind your choice of sudden transition? If not, than you may need to revise.
I'm not very experienced within punctuation, so you can completely ignore this part of my crit if you'd like, but I find the amount of commas within this poem to be a little too choppy. There also seems to be a very long run-on sentence between L3-L8. I'm not sure if that's proper punctuation for this type of poetry, but I'd suggest looking into it further or asking a more reliable crit/member to comment on this element of your poem.
Also I really like the very last line, the imagery is quite nice-- I can imagine the huddled innocent souls watching the a single flower slowly die as the winter's wrath comes closer. How grim!

[crow]

A quick note--you have an instinct for creating effects, it seems. Lots of commas create viscosity, the grey sky pairs with desaturation, "entranced" gets its own line--it's an enviable gift. Develop it, and you'll be greatness.

Proofread:
She stands, defiant, her beauty[no comma] jarring against the impending grey.  
--"impending grey" is a baffling phrase. Do you mean that the sky is grey now, that it's blue but grey is coming on, or that some other grey entity is coming?
--I think what you're saying is that a woman defies authority and stands, and her beauty contrasts with the bleak sky.
----if so, you've got a ways to go toward specifics.
----Beauty doesn't contrast with grey; it contrasts with ugliness or plainness. Is the grey here plain? If so, say so. But more importantly, replace "beauty" with a feature.
------"her hips shocking against the sterile sky," something like that
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  
--fragment
--viscous and inevitable don't pair well
--I'm having trouble with "the mood"--it's unassigned. The mood of the characters, the scene, what?
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,
--he cedes? I do not think it means what you think it means . . .
ripping at her flesh
--"ripping at" is nonsensical. He either rips or he fails to rip.
as innocent souls,
--replace "as" with "while" to enhance readability
entranced,
--consider "ensorceled" (jk)
huddle against the cold onset of winter
--onset is unnecessary
and watch the death of a flower.
--flowers don't die. plants die, and flowers close or drop.

[crow]

Quick note: the title mismatches the poem in terms of urgency.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

I love the wording of the first two lines.  The one part that I found could use a little work is the "violently his vast being rages"--I feel that the "violently" is already shown in the ripping of the flesh.  Amazing job, though

vanilla:  Thanks for your kind reply.  I address your point in a reply below.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

The winter ("He") is ripping at "her" flesh, and then the poem switches to many being affected by the winter...? I feel like there is something a bit awkward about that, as if there's a missing line between L5 and L6. Is there some sort of hidden symbolism behind your choice of sudden transition? If not, than you may need to revise.
I'm not very experienced within punctuation, so you can completely ignore this part of my crit if you'd like, but I find the amount of commas within this poem to be a little too choppy. There also seems to be a very long run-on sentence between L3-L8. I'm not sure if that's proper punctuation for this type of poetry, but I'd suggest looking into it further or asking a more reliable crit/member to comment on this element of your poem.
Also I really like the very last line, the imagery is quite nice-- I can imagine the huddled innocent souls watching the a single flower slowly die as the winter's wrath comes closer. How grim!

Owl:  Thank you very much for your critique, hopefully I addressed your comments below.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

A quick note--you have an instinct for creating effects, it seems. Lots of commas create viscosity, the grey sky pairs with desaturation, "entranced" gets its own line--it's an enviable gift. Develop it, and you'll be greatness.

Proofread:
She stands, defiant, her beauty[no comma] jarring against the impending grey.  
--"impending grey" is a baffling phrase. Do you mean that the sky is grey now, that it's blue but grey is coming on, or that some other grey entity is coming?
--I think what you're saying is that a woman defies authority and stands, and her beauty contrasts with the bleak sky.
----if so, you've got a ways to go toward specifics.
----Beauty doesn't contrast with grey; it contrasts with ugliness or plainness. Is the grey here plain? If so, say so. But more importantly, replace "beauty" with a feature.
------"her hips shocking against the sterile sky," something like that
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  
--fragment
--viscous and inevitable don't pair well
--I'm having trouble with "the mood"--it's unassigned. The mood of the characters, the scene, what?
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,
--he cedes? I do not think it means what you think it means . . .
ripping at her flesh
--"ripping at" is nonsensical. He either rips or he fails to rip.
as innocent souls,
--replace "as" with "while" to enhance readability
entranced,
--consider "ensorceled" (jk)
huddle against the cold onset of winter
--onset is unnecessary
and watch the death of a flower.
--flowers don't die. plants die, and flowers close or drop.

crow:  Thank you very much for your fine critique and also your encouraging words.  I have left a reply below.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Thank you all for your replies.  I just wanted to reply to some of you comments.  I do know it's not up to me to direct what the viewer should take from the piece but in the name of progress, here we go.

First off the poem is literally about the onset of winter, this is why the title is as it is.
"She stand defiant, her beauty".  The 'she' here, I am simply talking about a flower/plant and endowing the attributes of femininity onto it in a kind of reverse poetic role.  And the 'he' I'm simply talking about winter.  Here by assigning male/female roles, I hoped to add a 'battle of defiance' feel to the piece, as the female heroine stands up to her dominant male pursuer.
"her beauty, jarring against the impending grey."  What I mean by beauty is the colours of the flower.  By impending I hope to re-enforce a process of time implied by the "onset" in the title.
"The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable."  Crow you're correct, this is fragmented, I will have to take a look at this.

But also in this line you mention "viscous, inevitable".  What I meant here was, the onset of winter is slow, almost gloopy and tangable as it creeps in around you. As for inevitable, well as it says we can't stop it.  Again this is all just re-enforcing the process of time taking place.
Crow, your next point about mood, I get where you're coming from.
Next, "he cedes" this is a bit of a stretch but this was about, you know when you get one of those good days, late autumn, early winter and it's a welcomed break from the gloom, well that's what I was thinking there.
The next part is when the winter comes back with a vengeance and seems to decimate everything.  Yes, but vanilla and crow I do agree thiscould use some reworking.
owl: to address your critique, The sudden change to the amount affected by winter was simply to give a human part in the story.  The innocent souls simply being young children who come across the last moments of the prolonged scene as the flower finally gives in and falls.  Crow: The death of a flower part is simply mimicking what people might say " aww look! The flowers are dead.


Anyway again thank you all for the comments, I hope this sheds light on my thought process. 

[coy]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.  

haunting image

The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  

She shivers, a moment of weakness; 

He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, 

ripping at her flesh 

as innocent souls, 

entranced, 

huddle against the cold onset of winter 

and watch the death of a flower.

I liked the poem. I'm not going to go line by line, a few others have already done that for you. I'm not resonating with the theme. You portray winter as something that impedes abruptly. I see the Winter as something that is achieved after a month or so of small weather transitions. Just my opinion. Nonetheless, still a good read with gripping imagery.

[J.M.Byrnes]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  Here it seems like you are using a string of somewhat fuzzy adjectives where perhaps imagery would work better.
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,
ripping at her flesh
as innocent souls,
huddle against the cold onset of winter
and watch the death of a flower.

Rather than "cedes," you might consider something that suggests a more clever seduction of the innocent flower to get across the easing into winter before the flower feels the full wrath of the season. What is your thinking behind the centered text? I think it's a little harder to read.

Cheers.

[azure]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.  

The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.  

She shivers, a moment of weakness; 

He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, 

ripping at her flesh 

as innocent souls, 

entranced, 

huddle against the cold onset of winter 

and watch the death of a flower.

This poem is quite gripping and has potent images that jar and excite. At first I thought the repeated use of commas was a tad redundant, then upon further inspection, they added a sense of kinetic energy that was great. However, I didn't like the layout of this poem. I think it reduced the impact of the powerful images. Overall, I would suggest lightning up on the ambiguity and also using a more effective format. Thanks for the riveting read.

Azure

[paranoid marvin]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, -
ripping at her flesh
as innocent souls,
entranced,
huddle against the cold onset of winter
and watch the death of a flower.


A very good poem; makes me want to wrap up warm just thinking about it!

A few suggestions/thoughts:


The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.

Not sure why he would be 'viscous' (think and sticky)? How about creeping or encroaching?

He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,

Why would he cede? Especially if she is showing weakness? Would it be better to say that 'she' cedes?

And as has been mentioned 'violently' and 'rages' aren't both necessary.

Perhaps

'She cedes, a moment of weakness

As his vast body rages'

ripping at her flesh

This makes no sense, whether it is about a flower or Autumn. Perhaps substitute 'flesh' for 'essence'?

huddle against the cold onset of winter

No need for 'cold' if you have winter

[tectak]

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.  
The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable. (very nice, and a wee bit battle-y)
She shivers, a moment of weakness;
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages,
ripping at her flesh
as innocent souls,
entranced,
huddle against the cold onset of winter
and watch the death of a flower

This is not critique. Your comment has been deleted.

[billy]

such line spacing or centre aligning works okay with concrete poetry but only if they represent something within the poem.  in places it feels too wordy. the comma's don't really work for me. mainly because it impounds the wordiness

She stands defiant,  beauty jarring  the impending grey. 

She stands, defiant, her beauty, jarring against the impending grey.  what beauty? what describes such beauty, Byron showed the image of his loved one's beauty the reader saw what he meant they didn't read what he meant, here it's the beauty of winter, what does it look like

The mood, desaturated, his presence, viscous, inevitable.   this for me is where it  becomes too much. pare back express something with a scalpel, try not to beat it to death with a hammer.
She shivers, a moment of weakness; 
He cedes, then violently his vast being rages, 
ripping at her flesh 
as innocent souls, where did the souls come from?
entranced, 
huddle against the cold onset of winter 
and watch the death of a flower.