Fragile

[stevesteve]

Revised draft:

Talking to you is like tiptoeing around
a priceless collection of glass miniatures,
in my heavy work boots,
caked with dirt.

My words are like my hands,
calloused and clumsy,
sandpaper on a skinned peach.

Your hollow bird bones
Shatter against my caging arms,
frenzied for freedom.

If I could bathe in Holy water,
soak and be reborn soft,
you could lie in my love,
float like a cloud in a dream.




Draft 1:
Talking to you is like tiptoeing around
A priceless collection of glass miniatures
In my heavy work boots,
Caked with dirt.

My words are like my hands,
Calloused and clumsy.
Sandpaper on a skinned peach.

I embrace you and your hollow bird bones
Shatter against the cage of my arms,
Frenzied for freedom.

If I could bathe in holy water,
Soak and be reborn soft,
You could lie in my love,
Float like a cloud in a dream.

[cidermaid]

Hi Steve and welcome to the site...I see you have already given some great feedback in this forum.   Check out some of the other forums for offering crit as - I find the more crit I give the more it helps my own approach to writting.

Talking to you is like tiptoeing around    I like you opener it clearly introduces both the speaker and the second person.  also from the title I have a good idea of where this one is going. 
A priceless collection of glass miniatures   Watch the use of capitals (all through this poem same problem)  Check your punctuation. You need a comma or a period at the end of this line.   As you have used a capitol at the start of the next I am thinking you wanted a period, but then you start each new line this way.  Personally i think it would be better with a comma and let the lines run on as to my read this is adding to the weight, emotion of the read.
In my heavy work boots,
Caked with dirt.
My words are like my hands,
calloused and clumsy.
Sandpaper on a skinned peach.   Nice image.

I embrace you and your hollow bird bones
Shatter against the cage of my arms,
Frenzied for freedom.   I really like the image here, in fact it feels like this is the key stanza of the poem.  The other lines have been building to this fear / thought.  But it is a bit wordy and I think that you could perhaps re-work the whole stanza to greater effect.


If I could bathe in holy water,  I was wondering if you wanted this to be holy water or Holy water.   It does make a differance to the tone and undercurrent of the poem.  You decide - your poem.
Soak and be reborn soft,
You could lie in my love,
Float like a cloud in a dream.   You last line is a cliche and weaker than the rest of the poem.   Perhaps pick up on something based around your peach image.   First thoughts: I will soothe you with syrup.   You will be my blood Peach.

Overal i enjoyed this one.
Cheers AJ.

[stevesteve]

Thanks for the feedback! I'm definitely looking forward to participating in all parts of the process. I totally agree with the capitalization and punctuation comments and will look into incorporating your other thoughts. I see what you're saying about the last image though your suggestion seems a little violent to me. Thanks again!