Posts: 21
Threads: 11
Joined: Apr 2013
Footsteps fade,
Imprints stay.
Blemishes;
they cover my heart.
They keep our love alive
Even when we’re apart.
Until we are together
the blemishes stay.
No change in weather.
Storms rage inside my mind
until
our
fingers
are
intertwined.
We ask that you post at least one thoughtful critique for someone else in a workshop before posting a new piece of your own. Please catch up, thanks./mod
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
Love poetry is the hardest thing to write, and often comes off as very tired and clichéd. You should try to avoid end rhymes like "weather" and "together" and "apart" and "heart."--I've seen them so many millions of times I know it's coming before I get there. You have a good idea with imprints and blemishes ---stains of love that don't fade...I would suggest a slight rework on the wording to find fresh rhymes. Also, your caps are all over the place, choose to cap each line, or only cap the new sentences. Stick to one way, personally I prefer to only cap the sentences, but that's my opinion. Not trying to sound too negative, stick to your fresh images if you choose to write love poetry. My personal opinion is if you choose this, you must get out the knife and cut yourself down to the bone and let your blood spill on the paper. That's the only way it will feel real.
mel/bena
chris_the_princess
Unregistered
Footsteps fade,
Imprints stay. Lines 1 and 2 don't seem to correlate with the rest of the poem, almost making the context synthetic. I feel you are rather expressing how you wish you had love but don't understand what it is, or you are not emotionally connected to the writing aspect of love.
Blemishes;
they cover my heart. Why do they cover your heart? How do they relate to footprints and imprints?
They keep our love alive
Even when we’re apart.
Until we are together
the blemishes stay.
No change in weather.
Storms rage inside my mind
until
our
fingers
are
intertwined. From lines 5-8 and 9 to the end, I feel you only repeated the same idea with different wording. You want to try to avoid that because we already have that idea introduced to us. Instead try to expand on the idea; Why do the blemishes stay? What changes when you are together?
I hope you don't mind the comments I made. I just want to show you how I think in the process of critique.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i would reinforce what chris the princess pointd out. the first two lines feel like opposites. the last five lines are very weak and much of what's being siad feels as though it's repeated throughout the poem. removing some of the smaller words would make it less wordy. (you can have a wordy poem with short lines.
see the words in bold. the no change in weather metaphor feels trite as though it doesn't really have a reason for it being there.
(10-16-2014, 12:18 AM)Glittercake Wrote: Footsteps fade,
Imprints stay.
Blemishes;
they cover my heart.
They keep our love alive
Even when we’re apart.
Until we are together
the blemishes stay.
No change in weather.
Storms rage inside my mind
until
our
fingers
are
intertwined.
We ask that you post at least one thoughtful critique for someone else in a workshop before posting a new piece of your own. Please catch up, thanks./mod
Posts: 7
Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2014
I agree with much of the previous commentary. The first two lines are a contradiction and while there may be meaning there, it's pretty ambiguous. I think the blemish image is intriguing but that after you introduce it you don't take it any farther. I see what you're getting at with it but you could use the rest of the poem to really expand upon it. The last 4 or 5 lines could be redone in a way that wouldn't damage your initial images, which are the driving force of the poem, and expand upon them in a more creative way. Keep it up!
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2014
I also have to agree with the other comments. The blemishes are a very cool concept and I like it a lot but there is no need for repeat. I'm not really big on punctuation and capitalization so I'm not gonna really tell you what to do about that.
(10-16-2014, 12:18 AM)Glittercake Wrote: Footsteps fade,
Imprints stay.
Blemishes;
they cover my heart.
They keep our love alive
Even when we’re apart.
Until we are together <-- Would take these three lines out but replace with something else
the blemishes stay.-----^
No change in weather.---^
Storms rage inside my mind
until
our
fingers
are
intertwined.<-- I really like the last two lines and would totally keep them as the ending. Maybe its just because I really like touch and feel when talking about love. Intertwining of fingers like yes I love it, okay, call me insane.
We ask that you post at least one thoughtful critique for someone else in a workshop before posting a new piece of your own. Please catch up, thanks./mod
Babe you're on fire
Posts: 15
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2014
(10-16-2014, 12:18 AM)Glittercake Wrote: Footsteps fade,
Imprints stay.
Blemishes;
they cover my heart.
They keep our love alive
Even when we’re apart.
Until we are together
the blemishes stay.
No change in weather.
Storms rage inside my mind
until
our
fingers
are
intertwined.
The first two lines are somewhat mismatched from the rest of the poem, as others have noticed. Also, besides the original message of "we're unhappy while apart", there's no development, no expansion on what you started. I would suggest trying to go out of your way to avoid overly cliched words, simply because anything remotely cliche will feel completely unoriginal regardless of how much it means to you.
I like the imagery you are using in this poem. Perhaps you should use a different word instead of blemishes in line 8. There are not many lines in this piece and to use the same word twice makes for a stale read in a way.
