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December 17, 5:30am
A voice from upstairs
says "good morning"
and it will be.
Glide up stairs,
say "good morning"
and it will be.
Hear "I love you"
and "I missed you".
Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug.
Be loved and love
love and "I love you"
and "I missed you"
and "good morning"
and it will be.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
way to much i love's for me.
Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug.
the above reads well it gives a happy state of being to the reader and a couple of images that tie in to the happiness.
for me it's almost the complete poem.
you could use the first stanza but any ore overplays the poem.
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Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug.
Be loved and love
love and "I love you"
The words are doubled up and tripped me up.
Posts: 13
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
(10-13-2014, 05:53 PM)b.abraham Wrote: December 17, 5:30am
A voice from upstairs
says "good morning" < You may want to capitalize good
and it will be.
Glide up stairs,
say "good morning" < again capitalize
and it will be.
Hear "I love you"
and "I missed you". < I anticipated a third line and its absence threw me off somewhat
Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug.
Be loved and love
love and "I love you"
and "I missed you"
and "good morning"
and it will be.
I would love to see more context of the dialogue. Maybe more clues to setting. "Clean flannel sheets/ and a favorite mug" these lines were a great way to paint a picture using the connotation of the audience without adding much length.
the heart and mind through hands combined
to bind my soul within each line
Glide up stairs,
say "good morning"
and it will be.
- this stanza confused me.. I wasn't sure what you meant because it seemed like a contrast for a voice to come from upstairs down then for this stanza to say that the person was gliding up stairs.
Overall I enjoyed your poem, it showed the bliss in loving and being loved in return which is something many people crave. Though I think more clarity on the importance of the quoted statements would better your poem.
Posts: 53
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Joined: Sep 2013
(10-13-2014, 05:53 PM)b.abraham Wrote: December 17, 5:30am
A voice from upstairs < Leaving upstairs at the end of the line emphasizes it, but it forces me to make a small stop there which for me ruins the smooth pace that would be there if "says" was at the end of this line. Otherwise, says in the second line seems redundant. It is obvious that something is said when there is a voice. Leaving out "says" would not make the pace as smooth as moving it to the first line, but the stanya would be more consistent, each line being more-less separate, having a stop/break at the end.
says "good morning"
and it will be. < If this line is the consequence of the previous, I like it, however, AND´s in poems are dangerous and are prone to turn rubbish/fillers.
Glide up stairs, < not sure if intention, but differentiating "upstairs" and "up stairs" works for me, two distinct yet closely related images, well done here.
say "good morning" < "Say" seems redundant here. Voice from upstairs and glinding up - thus being down suggest two participants of the dialogue, so it is likely that the second "good morning" is the response to the first one, no need to introduce it.
and it will be. < If there is the dialogue, why not extent the differentiation between the participants? We know that one is up and one is down, this offers space for extension, something in line with being up and down. Also, I am not sure who the lyrical subject is. One participant of the dialogue? If so, how can they know that the second person will have a good morning? If the lyrical subject is omniscient, it lacks the personal dimension of either of the speakers.
Hear "I love you"
and "I missed you". < cliché, nothing knew, stuff of thousands of poems.
Be loved and love < detto
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug. < nice imagery. Why not distribute these images among the participants of the dialogue or at least ascribe them definitely to one and add something to the other? Now I am not sure who the owner is.
Be loved and love
love and "I love you"
and "I missed you" < way too much cliché for me,
and "good morning"
and it will be. < I like the idea of the last two lines, as already stated. But this last stanza is partially cliché and adds nothing new. The repetition of the motive is good, but something new is desired here. More imagery like stairs, coffé mug etc. Suggestion: ascribe flannes sheets and mug to one participant, and in this stanca something contrasting or in line with it to the second. Also, loving and missing can be expressed more subtly. To me, a preson making me coffe in my favourite mug defintely shows me love, so that should be sufficient. And the fact that one's morning will be good because the other person wished it to me also suggest that there is some love-ish relationship between them.
To sum up, leaving out useless words and phrases; more image-based characterization and differentiation between the dialogue participants; and some image-based expressions of love would do the poem much good. The imagery and "ït will be" causality are good jumping pads though. Sorry if I am forcing my own meanign upon your poem.
Thistles.
(10-13-2014, 05:53 PM)b.abraham Wrote: December 17, 5:30am
A voice from upstairs
says "good morning"
and it will be.
Glide up stairs,
say "good morning"
and it will be.
Hear "I love you"
and "I missed you".
Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug.
Be loved and love
love and "I love you"
and "I missed you"
and "good morning"
and it will be.
This screams song lyrics to me. Maybe it's the repetition of the motif "And it will be" (which I think you should capitalize the "A" in these lines).
Be loved and love
Clean flannel sheets
and a favorite mug
Would be a great bridge to a song. I can almost hear it on pop radio. Throw in a reference to morning love making after a night out at the club and this is a top 40 hit.
The final stanza I would argue doesn't add anything new. I would remove it or rewrite it---if you could add more imagery like the clean flannel sheets phrase that fit in with this great feeling of warmth and comfort and loving environment I think it would work very well. What's in that mug, for example?
elegant_hedgehog
Unregistered
(10-13-2014, 05:53 PM)b.abraham Wrote: December 17, 5:30am
A voice from upstairs
says "good morning"
and it will be.
Glide up stairs,
say "good morning"
and it will be. <---these first two stanzas seem overly repetitive, I don't think you need both
Hear "I love you"
and "I missed you".
Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug. <---this is great, by far the best stanza in the poem
Be loved and love
love and "I love you" <---way too many loves
and "I missed you"
and "good morning"
and it will be.
Basically I agree with what others have said, that there are too many loves and the third stanza is the heart of the poem. I'd also like to add that if you could reduce the poem to two or three stanzas it would be much more simple and elegant. Maybe ditch the first and/or last stanzas.
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
(10-13-2014, 05:53 PM)b.abraham Wrote: December 17, 5:30am
A voice from upstairs
says "good morning"
and it will be.
Glide up stairs,
say "good morning"
and it will be.
Hear "I love you"
and "I missed you".
Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug.
Be loved and love
love and "I love you"
and "I missed you"
and "good morning"
and it will be.
It made me smile, so I think it's a pretty nice poem.
All I could think about was "The End", by the Beatles: "and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make".
I do think you could give it a better title, as that date/time probably won't mean anything to anyone else but you (you could keep the date in brackets or something). Anyways, I liked the poem.
sharpietheysay
Unregistered
(10-13-2014, 05:53 PM)b.abraham Wrote: December 17, 5:30am
A voice from upstairs
says "good morning"
and it will be.
Glide up stairs,
say "good morning"
and it will be.
These first too chunks are far too redundant to me, and since I personally love the "say good morning, and it will be" bits, the "upstairs/up stairs" being in both parts is what makes it so. I understand the difference between the two, hence the space in one and not the other, but the repetition of that 'stairs' sound in such a short span of time is bothersome. I think you have enough creative juice to obliterate the recurrence of that line in the second paragraph altogether and come up with something new that inserts a new sound and doesn't disrupt the bounce of your poem.
Hear "I love you"
and "I missed you".
Be loved and love
clean flannel sheets and
and a favorite mug.
Be loved and love
love (<--just a tad unecessary) and "I love you"
and "I missed you"
and "good morning"
and it will be.
Something to think about... Since you started off this paragraph with verbs, maybe keep that going through to the end? Like:
Be loved and love
and say "I love you"
and "I missed you"
and "Good morning"
and it will be.
I believe it would make just as much sense, because the action taking place in the first line, and then the absence of action in the second, third, and fourth just throws things off for me.
I thought this poem was fabulous! I very much adore simplistic poems like this, and the bit about the clean sheets and the favorite mug brought it all the way home for me. Good job, you.
Posts: 53
Threads: 3
Joined: Sep 2013
Someone suggested here putting something specific in the mug. In my view, since this poem is pretty "simple", I would leave the mug be. The image of the favourite mug is enough for me. If it was a larger poem, than it would be more acceptable - what the mug is like, what is in it etc.
Thistles.
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