Two Squares and a Mule

[ilovewomenandbeer]

1.5 revised feel free to help me make any corrections. I'm learning how to make my allusions more clear.
Two Squares and a Mule

White plays first—
the hand that reaches down,

Checked—
cheating Black with a bishop.

Black pawn, patient, escapes—
claims two squares and a mule.

For eight ranks—
a humble start.

He finds solace as shackled feet trudge,
posts out of line
with his brothers.

The leader blows—
a wooden whistle.

The kingless castling comes
as white drives his herd forward—

they come howling.

Clubbed Knight posts poised,
fearless against a mob.

The reverend’s pale rage
posts adjacent—
an evangelical threat.

The pawn stabs the angel—
turning pale
as she faces the mob.

This time white does not reach or wait.

Paleness chases.

Every piece stumbles.

Captured.

Black groans—
his tightened chains
no longer bind him to a board
as he’s led to the post.

White takes a whip,
cracks the naked knight.

A fiery torch rises nearby.

As white prepares to sell,
clutching their breeches—
pale hands weighing silver.

The mob—
a howling herd.

Some wear horns, some wear cones—
but all are pale.

Black waits patiently,
watching the swaying flame—

its crimson glow lingers
like the raw, pale runaway
on his neck.

The bold pawn is raised.

His wife resists
as they rip the chains from her wrists.

The pale name the price
and haggle her lower—

“Oh lame, oh lame,” they say.

Sold.

Pale weeps fall—
“I do”
in guilty tears.

The Best Man—
as tall as a pine,
swole as an ox,
the same marking burned on his neck.

They haggle.

His brother cries openly, unpoised—
pleading, anguished tears,
then restful, rolling eyes.

White remarks:

“This ox is smart—
he can raise your posts, pull your wagons as a spare.
Two legs and two stubs,
but those nubs could be hooves
if you give him a pulley to trudge.”

Neck chained—
hooves scrape.

He chokes
as he's dredged astray—
down the line.

Sold.

Darkness falls.

The mob is gone.

Sooted, scrawny, shaken—
the reverend sees the pawn as a spare.

So the reverend
raises him to a tree.

As the pawn looks down the pine
the pale wooden board below—

never becomes a queen.

Captured.

Kingless checkmate.

[dukealien]

Revised techniques from recent criticism although new to poetry I think its great let me know what i can do to improve 

Two Squares and a Mule

White moves first.

A rich hand reaches down,
cheating black with a bishop.

Black pawn, patient, claims his square—
two squares and a mule,
a humble start.

He finds solace as his shackles sway,
standing in line with his brothers.

The wooden leader blows his whistle.

The kingless castling comes
as white drives his herd forward.

Black Knight posts poised,
fearless against a mob.

The reverend’s pale rage takes many squares,
lands adjacent—
an evangelical threat.

The pawn stabs the angel—
bravely turning pale
as she faces the mob.

This time white does not reach or wait.

They turn pale.

Every piece crumbles.

Black groans—
his tightened chains
no longer bind him to a board   
as he’s led to the stage.

White takes a whip,
cracks the naked knight.

A fiery torch is raised.

As white prepares to sell,
clutching their breeches,
counting silver for value.

The mob.

Some wear horns, some wear cones—
but all are pale.

Black waits patiently,
watching the swaying flame—
its crimson glow lingers
like the painful, pale, raw runaway
on his neck.

The bold pawn is first.

His wife resists
as they rip the chains from her wrists.

The pale name their price
and haggle her lower—

lame, they say.

Sold.

A silent weep creeps down her face.

His brother—
tall as a tree,
swole as an ox,
the same marking burned on his neck.

Again they haggle.

The brother cries openly, unpoised—
pleading,
tears hastily rolling down his eyes.

White remarks:

“This ox is smart—
he can pull your wagons as a spare.
He may be two legs and two stubs,
but his nubs could be hooves
if you give him a pulley to trudge.”

Sold.

Again the last willing to lose
takes what he is owed
and claims.

The dark has come.

Now the mob is gone.

The seller sees the pawn
as an unworthy mouth to feed—

so he raises him to a tree.

As the pawn looks down
black becomes what he sees.

Checkmate
is all his darkness brings.

In basic critique, in the first few readings I had trouble keeping the different characters in mind and attached to assigned chess pieces or pawns.  Finally decided that the short stanzas can be read as images or vignettes, some in groups and some stand-alone, all with a common metaphor (chess and slavery).  For example, the title stanza ("Two squares and a mule") aligns the commonplace or slogan "forty acres and a mule" with a pawn's initial two-square move in chess.

It's an interesting way to look at slavery, and there are some striking images - "cheating black with a bishop,"  for example, aligns with the bishop's unusual diagonal move.  Stabbing the angel reminds me of Turner killing the woman with a sword in "The Confessions of Nat Turner."  There are probably other allusions I did not catch.

On the whole, I think the poem is effective in evoking aspects of slavery (specifically in the US, not Africa or other times and places where it was practiced).   The contrast with chess through the convention of black and white pieces is good:  in chess the two sides are equal in all respects and rules are unbreakable, whereas in slavery the rules are completely  unbalanced and disregarded where they might be to the slave's advantage.

Not sure how it could be improved while maintaining its impact.  The reader may be confused, reaching for the meaning or allusion, but that also conveys the confusion of a human being caught in the machinery of such a system.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

Revised techniques from recent criticism although new to poetry I think its great let me know what i can do to improve 

Two Squares and a Mule

White moves first.

A rich hand reaches down,
cheating black with a bishop.

Black pawn, patient, claims his square—
two squares and a mule,
a humble start.

He finds solace as his shackles sway,
standing in line with his brothers.

The wooden leader blows his whistle.

The kingless castling comes
as white drives his herd forward.

Black Knight posts poised,
fearless against a mob.

The reverend’s pale rage takes many squares,
lands adjacent—
an evangelical threat.

The pawn stabs the angel—
bravely turning pale
as she faces the mob.

This time white does not reach or wait.

They turn pale.

Every piece crumbles.

Black groans—
his tightened chains
no longer bind him to a board   
as he’s led to the stage.

White takes a whip,
cracks the naked knight.

A fiery torch is raised.

As white prepares to sell,
clutching their breeches,
counting silver for value.

The mob.

Some wear horns, some wear cones—
but all are pale.

Black waits patiently,
watching the swaying flame—
its crimson glow lingers
like the painful, pale, raw runaway
on his neck.

The bold pawn is first.

His wife resists
as they rip the chains from her wrists.

The pale name their price
and haggle her lower—

lame, they say.

Sold.

A silent weep creeps down her face.

His brother—
tall as a tree,
swole as an ox,
the same marking burned on his neck.

Again they haggle.

The brother cries openly, unpoised—
pleading,
tears hastily rolling down his eyes.

White remarks:

“This ox is smart—
he can pull your wagons as a spare.
He may be two legs and two stubs,
but his nubs could be hooves
if you give him a pulley to trudge.”

Sold.

Again the last willing to lose
takes what he is owed
and claims.

The dark has come.

Now the mob is gone.

The seller sees the pawn
as an unworthy mouth to feed—

so he raises him to a tree.

As the pawn looks down
black becomes what he sees.

Checkmate
is all his darkness brings.

In basic critique, in the first few readings I had trouble keeping the different characters in mind and attached to assigned chess pieces or pawns.  Finally decided that the short stanzas can be read as images or vignettes, some in groups and some stand-alone, all with a common metaphor (chess and slavery).  For example, the title stanza ("Two squares and a mule") aligns the commonplace or slogan "forty acres and a mule" with a pawn's initial two-square move in chess.

It's an interesting way to look at slavery, and there are some striking images - "cheating black with a bishop,"  for example, aligns with the bishop's unusual diagonal move.  Stabbing the angel reminds me of Turner killing the woman with a sword in "The Confessions of Nat Turner."  There are probably other allusions I did not catch.

On the whole, I think the poem is effective in evoking aspects of slavery (specifically in the US, not Africa or other times and places where it was practiced).   The contrast with chess through the convention of black and white pieces is good:  in chess the two sides are equal in all respects and rules are unbreakable, whereas in slavery the rules are completely  unbalanced and disregarded where they might be to the slave's advantage.

Not sure how it could be improved while maintaining its impact.  The reader may be confused, reaching for the meaning or allusion, but that also conveys the confusion of a human being caught in the machinery of such a system.

Here’s my revised version. I believe you did a great job capturing some of my thoughts. However, I’ve made corrections and changes over the past day or two to make those allusions more understandable and apparent. 

 Two Squares and a Mule

White plays first—
 
the hand that reaches down,
 
cheating Black with a bishop.
Checked—
Black pawn, patient, escapes—
 
claims two squares and a mule.
For eight ranks—
 
a humble start.
He finds solace as shackled feet trudge,
 
posts out of line
 with his brothers.
The leader blows—
 
a wooden whistle.
The kingless castling comes,

as white drives his herd forward—
they come howling.
Clubbed Knight posts—
 
poised,
 fearless against a mob.
The reverend’s pale rage
 posts adjacent—
 
an evangelical threat.
The pawn stabs the angel turning pale—
 
as she faces the mob.
This time— 
white does not reach or wait.
Paleness chases.
Every piece stumbles.
Captured.
Black groans—
 
his tightened chains
 no longer bind him to a board
 
as he’s led to the post.
White takes a whip,
 
cracks the naked knight.
A fiery torch rises nearby.
As white prepares to sell,
 
clutching their breeches—
 
pale hands weighing silver.
The mob—
 
a howling herd.
Some wear horns, some wear cones, 
but all—
are pale.
Black waits patiently
 watching the swaying flame—
its crimson glow lingers
 
like the raw, pale—
runaway
 on his neck.
The bold pawn is raised.
Brought a’ stage—
His wife resists 
as they rip the chains from her wrists,
 
hands too broken to keep.
The house—

Now out of reach.
“Open wide.” 
The preacher bares—
her teeth.
For the pearly wife—

 the mob names their price
 and haggles lower.
“Oh lame, oh lame,” they say.
Sold.
Weeps fall—

 “I do” in guilty tears.
His brother tall as a pine,
 
an ox—
sworn to sword and shield.
Same burn on his neck.
They haggle.
His brother cries—
 openly, unpoised—

pleading, anguished tears.
White remarks:
“This ox is smart—
 
he can raise your posts, 
pull your wagons as a spare.
 
Two legs and stubs,
 
but those nubs could be hooves—
 
give him a pulley—
he’ll trudge.”
Sold.
The last willing to lose
 
takes what is owed.
Claimed, neck chained—
 
limp hooves scrape.
He chokes,
 
dredged astray—
 
down rank,
 restful, rolling eyes.
Darkness falls.
The mob is gone.
Sooted, scrawny, shaken—
 
The reverend sees the pawn as a spare.
So the reverend—
 
raises him to a tree.
As the pawn looks down the pine,
 
the wooden board below—
never becomes a queen.
Captured.
Kingless checkmate.

[dukealien]

The edit clarifies a few things and adds a few.  By the way, it's useful to just append your edited version(s) into the original post above previous version(s), with the previous labeled - so we can tell where each begins - and the codes (square bracket)pre verse(close bracket) and (square bracket)/(close bracket) at top and bottom of the old edit(s).  This lets readers and critics see the process of development when desired.

There are some themes or leitmotifs,  or just words frequently used, in the work - wood/pine/board and post(s), for example.  "Posts" is a little problematic because it can be verb or noun (he posts, they are tied to posts).  Although these themes are fine, you might consider varying the words or enhancing them - checkered board, posted lines, neck-bound coffle.

So, the suggestion would be greater variety of words:  the reader will supply his own images (cedar posts, hippopotamus-hide whip) but you can guide him to a desired vision.

I'm a little confused by the "kingless" mentions.  In chess there cannot, of course, be a kingless castling or check(mate).  So, the black side has no king (though  capitalizing "Knight" may be a hint).  There is, however, the (guy?) with the wooden whistle... which brings to mind the cut-mitered bishop piece.  Is he a straw boss, and what color?

Mystery and allusion are good.  And this is a story journey rather than recounting one historic life - it's in the dreamtime.  But you can make it darker as well as brighter by enhancing the vocabulary.

Hope that helps!

[ilovewomenandbeer]

The edit clarifies a few things and adds a few.  By the way, it's useful to just append your edited version(s) into the original post above previous version(s), with the previous labeled - so we can tell where each begins - and the codes (square bracket)pre verse(close bracket) and (square bracket)/(close bracket) at top and bottom of the old edit(s).  This lets readers and critics see the process of development when desired.

There are some themes or leitmotifs,  or just words frequently used, in the work - wood/pine/board and post(s), for example.  "Posts" is a little problematic because it can be verb or noun (he posts, they are tied to posts).  Although these themes are fine, you might consider varying the words or enhancing them - checkered board, posted lines, neck-bound coffle.

So, the suggestion would be greater variety of words:  the reader will supply his own images (cedar posts, hippopotamus-hide whip) but you can guide him to a desired vision.

I'm a little confused by the "kingless" mentions.  In chess there cannot, of course, be a kingless castling or check(mate).  So, the black side has no king (though  capitalizing "Knight" may be a hint).  There is, however, the (guy?) with the wooden whistle... which brings to mind the cut-mitered bishop piece.  Is he a straw boss, and what color?

Mystery and allusion are good.  And this is a story journey rather than recounting one historic life - it's in the dreamtime.  But you can make it darker as well as brighter by enhancing the vocabulary.

Hope that helps!

The wooden whistle is layered. It suggests a leader directing people with a whistle, like an overseer, but it also ties into the chess imagery since the pieces are wooden. A bishop piece even resembles a whistle with the slit in the top, so it subtly connects the whistle to the bishop/reverend symbolism later in the poem.

I know that in actual chess you can’t have castling or checkmate without a king. The “kingless” phrasing is intentional. The idea is that the pawn loses even though there isn’t really a king or anyone acting as a just authority. The system still moves and punishes him anyway, so the game ends in checkmate even though the king is absent or irrelevant.
The title and opening hint that the game was rigged from the start too. “Two Squares and a Mule” is like the promise of “forty acres and a mule,” but reduced. In chess a pawn’s first move is two squares, so the pawn’s “reward” is really just a basic move he was always allowed to make. It’s really just the minimum the game already permits. So from the beginning the pawn is told he’s gained something, but the board was already set against him.

Maybe i can do a better job at making some of those allusions apparent as the longer the poem and the more i allude the easer it is for a reader to get lost.
Additionally I tried making the story more linear by creating the scene of them getting captured then being sold the two pawns being husband and wife and the brother being the knight.

[dukealien]

You're right about length of the poem turning some readers away.  You could go through and try to decide which parts are necessary to tell your story, then make them stronger while phasing out the non-essentials.  This is always difficult, and (in Basic) I haven't suggested deleting whole sentences or aspects of the work.  It's already strong and (in individual phrases) lean.

I guess there's one example:  two squares and a mule.  It's a really good concept stand-alone and as a title, and ties in to the chess metaphor.  But that widely spoken grant came *after* slavery - it was not a promise that drew people from Africa like immigrants to the West from Europe.  It would be a good intro to Reconstruction and Jim Crow, but I doubt many slaves expected or were striving toward manumission and a plot of land.  The eleven years of Reconstruction showed how unserious the Abolitionists really were about what was to happen to the slaves they had freed.

Sorry, lost in history!  Advice:  if it seems long, see what you can remove while maintaining your vision.

[wasellajam]

Hi. I can think of two ways you can shorten your poem without cutting anything yet, if you think that would improve it.

You've got an awful lot of white space, have you tried organizing it into strophes? Then the reader can absorb a series of "moves" at once.

Another option is combining some lines. You would lose some breaks so you would have to do it carefully but many of your lines are pretty short so it might move the read along in a more appealing way.

If it was my poem I would try each option, you can always go back if you don't like it but for me those types of exercises help me learn more about my own piece, time well spent.

[4rpit]

In basic critique, the poem was good when read as an intense spoken word. But in the first read it is somewhat disorienting. I personally had to read it twice to understand the parallels of Slavery and Chess. It may also be that I am not native to US so had some trouble understanding context. I believe if seen from a foreign POV the poem may seem difficult to understand.

I understand that keeping the lines short and concise was important to give that quick cut from line to line but it also led to this phenomenon where before even grasping the full weight and understanding of one line, i was, for the lack of a better word, obligated to move forward to the next.

This is my first critique so I do not know if anything I said was at all valuable or a valid point. Please let me know if I am wrong somewhere.

[ilovewomenandbeer]

In basic critique, the poem was good when read as an intense spoken word. But in the first read it is somewhat disorienting. I personally had to read it twice to understand the parallels of Slavery and Chess. It may also be that I am not native to US so had some trouble understanding context. I believe if seen from a foreign POV the poem may seem difficult to understand.

I understand that keeping the lines short and concise was important to give that quick cut from line to line but it also led to this phenomenon where before even grasping the full weight and understanding of one line, i was, for the lack of a better word, obligated to move forward to the next.

This is my first critique so I do not know if anything I said was at all valuable or a valid point. Please let me know if I am wrong somewhere.

I really appreciate the critique. The disorientation you mentioned is actually somewhat intentional. I tried to keep the lines short and quick so the poem moves almost like chess moves themselves — sudden shifts from one image to another.
The parallels between chess and slavery are meant to reveal themselves gradually, which is why some of the imagery might feel fragmented on the first read. Your point about the context being harder from a non-U.S. perspective is also really fair, since the title references the phrase “forty acres and a mule,” which comes from a broken Reconstruction-era promise to formerly enslaved people.
So needing a second read actually makes sense, and I appreciate you pointing that out. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

[johnnyjojo]

I like your user name haha/

The chess metaphor is pretty effective in the first half.

then it is all over the place.  very ambitious for sure and shows a lot of promise.