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This is the first poem I have written in a while, let me know what you think! Don't hold back on the criticism.
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.
She remained unaware
of the storm that had begun
She didn't say a prayer,
never did she try to run
The waters were rough, they
grabbed her skin, pulled her hair.
They told her scary things,
of which she had been unaware.
She insisted she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong.
And she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
She lost all her resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water caressed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
And she sank into the deep.
Here is the updated poem with suggested changes:
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
if she only had a gale.
She did not even scare
of storms that had begun.
She didn't say a prayer,
She never tried to run.
The waters were all rough,
they grabbed her, pulled her hair.
The sails began to luff,
She began to see despair.
She claimed that she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water felt benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong
And she shouted for some help--
But then she heard the songs
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of the Sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
And she lost all resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water brushed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past.
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
The sky began to weep.
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I am really like the idea of your work. Some lines are a little ambiguous, so that I have to stop and interpret the meaning for a moment. If it is possible, I would like the last line to be shorter to make it give a little more cold or heartless feeling. Anyway, thank you for the poem.
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Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, welcome and thanks for the critiques you've left for others.
I enjoyed the read. It feels like you've almost got a hold on the the poem but it gets away from. You've got an iambic meter running through most of it but you let it go. Take a look at the lines that start with an accent, like "never did she try to run", for me they are tripping points.
While unaware/prayer is a lovely rhyme, adrift/built won't even work as a slant for me. Using unaware two stanzas in a row doesn't really work either.
I think this is worth putting in some time and thought into. I don't know what your experience with rhyme and meter is but I've found the Poetry Practice forum really helpful, you may want to give it a look.
Glad to have you here, I hope you enjoy the site.
(10-10-2014, 11:42 AM)oceanwanderer20 Wrote: This is the first poem I have written in a while, let me know what you think! Don't hold back on the criticism.
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.
She remained unaware
of the storm that had begun
She didn't say a prayer,
never did she try to run
The waters were rough, they
grabbed her skin, pulled her hair.
They told her scary things,
of which she had been unaware.
She insisted she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong.
And she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
She lost all her resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water caressed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
And she sank into the deep.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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Thank you so much for your help, it really means a lot! Here is another draft with some edits.
Sea of Truths
The girl was set afloat
upon the sea of truths.
Into a simple boat,
of dreams and timeless youth.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.
She did not even scare
of storms that had begun.
She never said a prayer,
she never tried to run
The waters were all rough,
they grabbed her, pulled her hair.
the sails began to luff,
she began to see despair.
She said that she was fine,
as the sea took in her ship
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip.
And yet her voice stayed strong.
As she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
And she lost all resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water brushed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
She fell into the deep.
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Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2014
I think it will be a lovely poem, but I find it contradictory, i.e. the storm had begun, the waters are rough and then the water looked benign. But I really did like the poem and where it was going.
musicismylife78
Unregistered
(10-10-2014, 11:42 AM)oceanwanderer20 Wrote: This is the first poem I have written in a while, let me know what you think! Don't hold back on the criticism.
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth.
Your first stanza sets the tone for the rest of the poem well. Your intent is clear.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail. I like that the sail is scarlet. It adds the element of symbolism.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.
She remained unaware
of the storm that had begun
She didn't say a prayer,
never did she try to run
The waters were rough, they <- I think "they" should be moved to the following line. The natural pause after the line makes this awkward.
grabbed her skin, pulled her hair. <- I would replace the comma with an "and" in this line if I were you.
They told her scary things,
of which she had been unaware. <- The ambiguity is a nice touch
She insisted she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip. <- Nice symbolism!
Yet her voice stayed strong. <- This is a good, impacting line. Nice implication.
And she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of the voices in the kelp. <- I don't know that I understand the purpose of the kelp? I think that the word interrupts the flow of the poem.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
She lost all her resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water caressed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past <- Definitely my favorite line of the poem!! This is excellent expression of your message.
The waves tossed golden curls <- I like the description of her hair here. Very creative.
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls, <- The pearls are a nice touch
And she sank into the deep. <- Could you please rephrase this line? I think that the line sounds too... conclusive. I would rather the poem be "left hanging", I think.
Overall an excellent poem! Your message is conveyed quite clearly yet creatively. Your balance between the two is nice. This was enjoyable to read, despite its sad message. I hope that my critique helps. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your work in the future.
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I really enjoyed reading this. Some of it really resonated with me and some of my experiences. Whatever you do, don't touch "she insisted she'd be fine." That being said, there are a few lines I might have a second look at.
(10-10-2014, 11:42 AM)oceanwanderer20 Wrote: This is the first poem I have written in a while, let me know what you think! Don't hold back on the criticism.
Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built
of dreams and simple youth. "built on dreams" is certainly a more common expression. I'd also take a nice strong "n" sound over "of" any day.
She insisted she'd be fine
as she raised her scarlet sail. "and raised her scarlet sail" is more active and engaging.
It would be okay in time,
all she needed was a gale.
She remained unaware
of the storm that had begun.
She didn't say a prayer,
never did she try to run
The waters were rough, they "the waters, they were rough," avoids the awkward end to the line
grabbed her skin, pulled her hair.
They told her scary things, "things" can always be more specific
of which she had been unaware.
She insisted she was fine
as the sea took in her ship.
The water looked benign,
But the sail began to rip.
Yet her voice stayed strong.
And she shouted for some help
But she then heard the song
Of the voices in the kelp. This stanza reads a bit clunky, I would have a second look at it.
Nothing drowned the sounds
of the sirens in the distance.
They whispered tempting things,
She lost all her resistance.
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last.
Water caressed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past
The waves tossed golden curls
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
And she sank into the deep.
Other than that, just scan your lines again. I'm not usually a big fan of rhyming but I think it could work here. I look forward to seeing more![/b]
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Thank you so much for the edits, guys! I updated the original post with the new draft
Posts: 53
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(10-10-2014, 11:42 AM)oceanwanderer20 Wrote: Sea of Truths
The girl was set adrift
upon the sea of truths
in a boat that she had built the "a" disturbs the metre
of dreams and simple youth. Well made introduction and allusion to what the conflict is going to be, the contrast of self built boat and the not self built sea, the anticipation of what the sea will do with the dreams and simple yout. Very nice. Only why is the first line in the passive? Why not The girl has set adrift? Judging from the second stanza, she is active hre. .
She insisted she'd be fine you have two unstressed syllables in the beginnig of this line
as she raised her scarlet sail. I am glad that you kept the "as" and didn't change it into "and." This way, it gives the feeling of the immediacy, while two actions are happening at the same time - the raising of the sail and the insisting.
It would be okay in time, fine and time don't rhyme well.
if she only had a gale.
She did not even scare
of storms that had begun.
She didn't say a prayer,
She never tried to run. [b] This seems odd since it is impossible to run on a sea in a boat, unless she could walk on the water, but the developement of the poem goes well in this stanza
The waters were all rough,
they grabbed her, pulled her hair.
The sails began to luff,
She began to see despair. ow, see despair sounds disturbing to me, if feels forced only to maintain the metre and rhyme.
She claimed that she was fine
as the sea took in her ship
The water felt benign,
But the sail began to rip. well you contradict the previous stanza here. She began to despair yet here she claims she is fine... Now I am confused. What is the state of her mind?
Yet her voice stayed strong
And she shouted for some help-- this is a good idea, admitting that one needs help but keeping a strong voice, a good synthesis. However, the confusion about the deveoplment of her mental/emotional state occurs again. Why mention she began to despair when her voice stayed strong ...
But she then heard the songs read alout, switch "she" and "then", then read aloud again.
Of the voices in the kelp.
Nothing drowned the sounds nice and appropriate image
of the Sirens in the distance. you don't have stress on the last syllable
They whispered tempting things,
And she lost all resistance. again the last syllable is unstressed This is an interesting turning point. One would expect that the songs would help her, but they actually brought her ruin. Appreciated
She took a breath of air
And it would be her last. good work with anticipation and not-fullfillment. As if she was going to do something courageous, but actually it was her end. Good, but the sense of last determination/effort in the first line of this stanza is confusing, since we are told that she had already lost all resistance.
Water brushed her hair,
touched dead hands of the past since hands is mentioned here with the association with the hair, I presume its her hands, but then, here they are dead, in the next stanza they are just lulled to sleep?
The waves tossed golden curls "waves, tossed ,gol-" are all stressed and feel too violent.
lulling her to sleep.
They filled her eyes with pearls,
The sky began to weep. [b] Weeping sky.. fits content-wise, but not so much stylistically. Sounds a bit chliché.
You started with a contrast between dreams and simple youth and truths, but you abandon the topic later. What kind of truths were those that made her fail? Or were those actually the lies of the sirens? You open a framework that you don't close.
Thistles.
I'm finding the word "kelp" hard to get over. Is there any other way you could word this stanza to avoid the help/kelp rhyme? It's just such a strange word that it threw me off.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this poem and I think the edit is leaps and bounds ahead of your orignal draft.
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the poets in the three main sections need more than one liners done in order to garner a post count. /mod
(11-10-2014, 11:04 AM)noname Wrote: I'm finding the word "kelp" hard to get over. Is there any other way you could word this stanza to avoid the help/kelp rhyme? It's just such a strange word that it threw me off.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this poem and I think the edit is leaps and bounds ahead of your orignal draft.
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