What have we done..

[Ryan_w_r]

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


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Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

[spacecoaster]

I like the extra editing Ryan_w_r suggested. I would like to suggest adjusted spacing and starting new lines. I think it will help a reader that may be unfamiliar with slam poetry sort out the tone of the poem. For instance I would change it like this:

Political unrest

Riots in our streets.

Circular wars

Scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying, babies to rest

Fathers resting in another woman's sheets.

Another child looses their life on the streets.

Media calls them "casualties of war"...

To me

More like casualties of greed.

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed.

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth.

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work...

We are a pasteurized, preservative-filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations...

I loved the poem overall. I hope I gave comprehensive feedback, as this is my very first posting

[ellajam]

Hi, Ryan, sorry to butt in on your thread but I know that you, like the rest of us, post here for input on how you might improve your poem. I've had to delete the posts below as one-liners that belong on a vanity site, not a workshop. I hope these posters who obviously saw so much good in your poem will give it another read and add some constructive crit to help you perfect it.
Thanks for your patience. ella/mod

I think this is a fantastic poem. As I read it I can definitely hear it being read as slam poetry. It flows really nicely throughout as well. My only recommendation is that you could probably add a concluding line or two.

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..
Hi Ryan, I like the poem, but some of the lines can be shorted to better reflect the one it's associated with and it needs an ending.


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Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

It's a great poem, it has a nice flow, I would leave it the ways it is. I like the way it ends. I also think it is a wonderful sentiment that will never happen.

There is a lot of truth in this poem, as there is emotion. The reader feels as if you're very knowledgeable with the topic, and that I am sure, you are.

Love it. That's a nice piece you got there.

[Jesstice]

As if I needed any help hating the state of things... but nice poem
This is a spot of truth. A poem of true angst and frustration. I like the way you show men and women in this poem with the line "Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets." I feel men are to blame for most war's evils so I appreciate the contrast of a loving broken mother and a cheating, lousy father. I instantly pictured the father as a soldier away, cheating. Because well of course that's what they do so often.
I like the feeling and words and especially the idea of "we are pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation" but I don't feel the flow there. Something about the great rhythm - like it should be spoken word, runs through the poem but feels lost on that line. I am not confidently in a position to give deeper critique with my level of experience in poetry but I hope this helped a bit. End note - I love the thoughts and feelings in this piece and think the value of editing and refining will be well worth the end product.

[billy]

hi ryan.

i've give some remarks in the body of the poem but there is still more that could be mentioned.
watch out for the same words used within the poem. always go for something different if you can.
i can see what you want to say with the poem and how it's a sort of stance against the media and the politicians., but it does feel a bit trite and expected. if it's a rant, make it a real rant. mock the media, use expletives about the war. show the gritty stuff which is really where an expose poem should do.
slam poetry can have a meter much of it though is a spoken meter where the speaker creates the rhythm within the speaking of it. often the speech can be drawn out or shortened to add impact. the use of small words can weaken a good slam poem the same as it does with a written poem
thanks for the read.

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


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Political unrest, and riots in our streets. would [the] make the rioting seem more universal, is and needed?

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.i like the use of circular wars to represent tit for tat killing as awell as wars that seemingly have no end

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets. [lay]and [fathers rest] words are more direct without the ing no need really for [woman's] let's face it, they could be gay or it could be the woman playing away a suggestion would be [while parents lay in other's sheets.]

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets. no need for [all the while] make it compact [loses]

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. feels a little to obvious

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need. we always get a number for the dead, is countless needed?

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. this line feels forced plus the second usage of need doesn't do anything for the poem

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

[shootthestar25]

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


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Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets. <-- I love this line!

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. <-- I'd leave out "To me", since it is slam poetry, we'll get that it is the speaker's opinion without you needing to say it

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. <-- This line feels clumsy when I read it aloud. Not sure how to fix it...

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation. <--This line sounds awesome out loud

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations.. <-- I feel like this is a strong end

[ThePen]

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


-------------------------------------

Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

It seems to me that you have a lot of things to say. I really enjoyed your poem. I think, however, that it might seem unfinished. Maybe there is a conclusion lacking?

The line "All the while, another child looses their life on the streets." seems a bit of a repetition of the introductory line. But it is good. I like it.
"casualties of war" might be the term that best captures the feel and the tone of your poem.

I like the line "We are pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation".

Generally, I prefer poems with more structure, but I think that your poem flows freely and that it fits the tone and the content of your poem. And as a poster stated, perhaps you could still use to some shortening of your verses. I think that you could definitely benefit from it.

[somnium]

I think the solution is in the ending of your poem, but you missed it as the solution and gav it as an excuse, a blame. The solution to your dilemma is not to believe not invest trust and power into the media. You believe it's lies and give it reality, where it was Entein who said it best "Reality is an illusion". I tend to see reality as a choice. Even ancient Biblical writing say do not trust, nor invest power in evil ways or you will be where they lead. So many people accept the media as tellign them 'what is out there' meanwhile reality can be anything you make of it.. You been sheephearded and suckered if you ask me. As such the poem is pityful and lacking, lost to the media that suckered the writer. Even the TV is made form what you sow in the fields of the fertile creation and can be simply put a choice. Perhaps I am too far ahead of the times, but my times are very different because I do not follow the ways of the suckers, and follow my own truth. You were given LIFE and do not have to follow the frenzy lies of the tv that you obviously judged like most average people, greedy and full of fear and lies. That known why do you trust it to tell you what the world is, and what is 'out there'. For me 'out there' is n open void, nothing existing yet and with the potential to be anything.. like life. Sow positive seeds and you reap the rewards of them, sow seeds like 'the media is corrupt' then you reap that seed/reward. In other words you did it to yourself!

You say we, but there is no we, only you. As soon as you say we you have grouped everyone into your boat, which i assure you is not the case at all. It sounds like every other story i've heard so many times. You give away all your freedom and all your power of creation, to create, and you give it to a greedy corrupt media. Truly a tragic poem.

[Erthona]

Ryan,

Is your avatar supposed to be a human face "Guy Fawkes" mask?

This not a good poem, but except for being way to short it's not a bad slam poem. It is simplistic in it's black and white thinking, which for slam is pretty much a requirement. As slam is spoken, acted the theme must be simple and an "us against them" type of dichotomy as the point is to get them on your side and to rally behind your thesis. Some of the lines read a little awkward to me, but if you can read them to get a energetic syncopated beat that climaxes on the rhyming word at the end of the line, then it is doing what it needs to do. So I would suggest when you begin working with this in terms of preforming it, you will find the need to modify a number of the lines in order to not trip over your tongue. If you are extremely good at rapid patter it might be possible to make it work, but the next question arises, "why would you want to do so?" The only thing lacking is length. The audience would hardly be settled to listen before you would be done, especially if this was read in any kind of energetic way. I think I would make the penultimate line the last line as it is a much stronger line to end on than the current ending line, unless you want to use it as an addendum, such as, a pause, and then

This reality has been"graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations.. "

That would be a way to use it effectively, and punctuate your statement.

If you want to learn how to rhythmically use your voice (assuming you don't no how already), I would suggest start attending a rural black Baptist church. Those preachers basically do slam poetry every Sunday for thirty minutes.

Dale

[QDeathstar]

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


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Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets. this is the first original line in the poem, I think instead of while, their would better, also laying instead of are

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets. all the while is very awkward

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. kids in dying in the streets are called casualities of war???? I thought the were called thugs...

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. a pot seed most likely (not a critique here just a comment

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation. this is not bad

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

[i pray to pills]

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


-------------------------------------

Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. why do you need to say enlightened , if the saviour usually is represented by the light ? If you' re not happy, off course you need salvation, but what can you say more about that seed?



A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. the same here, if it needs to change, off course it doesn't work

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

[Sa]

My attempt at what would be considered slam poetry I guess.. Which really only reads correctly in the mind of the writer lol good luck..


-------------------------------------

Political unrest, and riots in our streets.

Circular wars, and scorched earth in the Middle East.

Mothers lying their babies to rest, while fathers are resting in another woman's sheets.

All the while, another child looses their life on the streets.

The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

Countless lives being lost over things we don't need.

See, what we NEED is an enlightened generation willing to plant a seed. 

A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth. 

Because what we have now, well, it doesn't work.. 

We are a pasteurized and preservative filled prepackaged generation.

Graciously provided by media sponsors and major corporations..

----------------------------------------

I think this works well and would be great as a slam poem. Some of the lines need honing like "The media calls them "casualties of war".. To me more like casualties of greed. 

If you take away the "To me" part it will read smoother. And I'd separate out the two sentences as well.

"A seed that will grow in the mind of our youth, And come to fruition in the form of a society that knows only great love and truth." This could easily be split into two lines and it would make it easier to read.

[simmon]

I like it... I wish that there should be more points adding to your work. Perhaps some thing that emphasize idea of the seed will make it more powerful. Thank you for the poem.

Please remember that this is a forum for critique.  This does not just mean vague comments -- if you're not sure of how to critique, you will find helpful tips around the site -- many are collected here, right at the top of this forum/ Admin

[hestaredattheskyasiftoaskwhy]

I feel like you could expand this and make your point stronger. When you talk about us needing an "enlightened generation", maybe speak on how it starts with its predecessors? Like where they have failed and succeeded with raising this one. And I agree with Guzzi, in that this is kind of big-picture/superficial feeling. With such strong language, maybe make your points more concise? I enjoyed it overall. I think the flow could use attention, but that is not my strong suit.
Also, I feel like the "what we have now, well it just doesn't work" seems ambiguous and unfinished.

[tomcrocus]

Hi,
i think it's a good attempt at slam poetry,it worked in my mind,
i think you could have stretched it out and gave it a bit more grit by
naming a few names and laying into them with perhaps a few expletives,
overall not bad at all,
Tom.