A Nap With The Gods

[Word Weaver]

A Nap with the Gods – Revised

Aloft, the breathtaking steep of smaragdine 
hammocked on knotted twines,
Chronos-pinched swinging on the gods.
Harp strings whisper,
strike a chord with mythos wit,
releasing a wearied sigh.


Musing a foreign time of never-a -care 
and longings for Eirene.

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks laced in sweet amnesia,
a hint of sand,
and tracings of honeyed kisses
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

The briefest slip-away,
an ephemeral spell with Pasithea,
a whiff from Hebe’s cup,
Ambrosia to my essence!


-------------------------------------------------------


A Nap with the Gods- REVISED

Aloft the breathtaking lush of smaragdine 

hammocked on knotted twines,

Cronus-pinched swinging on the gods.



Harp strings whisper

strike a chord with mythos thoughts,

releasing a wearied sigh.

 

Musing on to a foreign time of never-a -care 

and longings for Eirene.

 

A start!

Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,

winks, laced in sweet amnesia,

a hint of sand and tracings of honeyed kisses

impassioned upon my lips, my arm and hand.

 

The briefest slip-away,

a visit with Pasithea, a spell of evanescence,

a sip from Hebe's cup,

Ambrosia to my essence!

----------------

Aloft the breath taking steep of smaragdine
Suspended on a knotted twine,
Harp strings in whisper,
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts,
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, 
of Never-a -care and  Eirene.

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, 
belies nothing but a hint of sand,
and tracings of honeyed kisses, 
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

'twas  the briefest slip-away,
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

[ellajam]

Hi, WW, this had its highs and lows for me. While I enjoy a google or two in a poem, as a reader uneducated in mythology the references were on overload for me, I would have preferred some of them replaced with simpler language. But that's just me, , here are some notes.

Aloft the breath taking steep  of smaragdine 
Suspended on a knotted twine, A strong, interesting image, but I don't really understand what it's doing here.
Harp strings in whisper, Effective creation of the sound.
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts, "Strike"? Murmuring thoughts strikes me as cliche.
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, 
of Never-a -care and  Eirene.

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son, I like the sound and image of "yawning arms".
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, 
belies nothing but a hint of sand, Belie?
and tracings of honeyed kisses, 
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.
There's something wrong with so many commas here. I'm not sure how best to fix it but you may want to rethink the punctuation.

'twas  the briefest slip-away,
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

Thanks for posting this, it's different from what I usually read and was a challenge.

[Word Weaver]

Hi, WW, this had its highs and lows for me.  While I enjoy a google or two in a poem, as a reader uneducated in mythology the references were on overload for me, I would have preferred some of them replaced with simpler language. But that's just me, , here are some notes. - I was hoping my title was a forewarning.  BUT you learned something new, didnt you? Not to seem defensive, just for reasoning's sake, a reader, uneducated in mythology who might  happen to read this piece, might do only one of two things, one, an instant disinterest/dislike or two, be challenged to delve deeper- hoping it is the latter, my aim is to entertain and educate, like water and oil difficult to mix, more so to master, still  in constant trial and error ...

Aloft the breath taking steep  of smaragdine 
Suspended on a knotted twine, A strong, interesting image, but I don't really understand what it's doing here.
Harp strings in whisper, Effective creation of the sound.
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts, "Strike"? Murmuring thoughts strikes me as cliche. - "humming thoughts" was my  first choice to go with the musical background, too cliche, "gnawing" was trashed, "murmuring" was the softer uttering thought, so I used it, on the basis that cliches are not too bad if used sparingly, however, inspired by your insight-  what do you think of " mythos thoughts"? since I am already at it,  with my mythological jabs ....
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, 
of Never-a -care and  Eirene.

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son, I like the sound and image of "yawning arms".
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, 
belies nothing but a hint of sand, Belie?
and tracings of honeyed kisses, 
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.
There's something wrong with so many commas here. I'm not sure how best to fix it but you may want to rethink the punctuation. -for some reason, Ive become punctuation challenged, the comma being the most misplaced antagonist, Im really trying to curb it...



'twas  the briefest slip-away,
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

Thanks for posting this, it's different from what I usually read and was a challenge.

Hi Ellajam, Thank you so. You've been very insightful and I'm inspired to tidy up the mess... hopefully, for the better May I share it with you when Im done? Best regards, Kate

[just mercedes]

Aloft the breath taking steep  of smaragdine I'm instantly confused - what does 'Aloft the breath' mean, and what is a 'steep of emerald'?
Suspended on a knotted twine, what is suspended? breath, or emerald?
Harp strings in whisper,
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts, harp strings, being plural, should have a plural form of the verb, hence 'strike'.
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, musing into? musing about, musing on, but musing into?
of Never-a -care and  Eirene. I recognise the goddess, but who is Never-a-Care?

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, 
belies nothing but a hint of sand, again, winks, plural, so 'belie'
and tracings of honeyed kisses, honeyed kisses - feels a little overused
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

'twas  the briefest slip-away, archaic use
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

Hi, and welcome to the site. Your poem is difficult to read, mainly because of the 'high' tone, or old-fashioned diction. Putting all of that aside, I'm not at all sure exactly what happened here. Someone sighed, and woke up?

[Word Weaver]

Aloft the breath taking steep  of smaragdine I'm instantly confused - what does 'Aloft the breath' mean, and what is a 'steep of emerald'?
Suspended on a knotted twine, what is suspended? breath, or emerald?
Harp strings in whisper,
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts, harp strings, being plural, should have a plural form of the verb, hence 'strike'.
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, musing into? musing about, musing on, but musing into?
of Never-a -care and  Eirene. I recognise the goddess, but who is Never-a-Care?

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, 
belies nothing but a hint of sand, again, winks, plural, so 'belie'
and tracings of honeyed kisses, honeyed kisses - feels a little overused
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

'twas  the briefest slip-away, archaic use
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

Hi, and welcome to the site. Your poem is difficult to read, mainly because of the 'high' tone, or old-fashioned diction. Putting all of that aside, I'm not at all sure exactly what happened here. Someone sighed, and woke up?

Truly appreciate your constructive crit. I am learning and loving it! if I may ask, what does 'high' tone mean, and, just a tjought, wouldn't it be more fitting to seem on the old fashion side to connote a sense of myth when I was comparing a power nap with the Gods? Just curious and thank you sincerely for the welcome! I actually tidied it a bit and hoping you'd come back and give it a second look over. Best regards~ Kate

[billy]

hi weaver, on first impression i think more could be done wit the punctuation (which can be a chore) another is to try and not be too literal. remember this is a poem not just a story. use some poetic devices if you can. use less words to make the poem more succinct if you can, place any edits above the original poem in the same (first post) so far the edit is a solid improvement. i got that it was about a tete-a-tete with mythical people, probably gods etc. Somnus sounds very Icelandic

Aloft the breath taking steep  of smaragdine  aloft as it stand feels a little confusing, a suggestion would be [Aloft; the breath......] making it two clauses instead of one. if it's a name should it be capped i ask as you do use caps in the poem.
Suspended on a knotted twine, what is?
Harp strings in whisper, no need for [in]
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts, in accord might be a better usage and no need for [my] it's already a given as you haven't mention the 2nd or third person.
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, 
of Never-a -care and  Eirene. no need to cap never as it's a time and not a place, yesterday is a place; Tuesday a time

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia,  i like this line. it imparts a secret to the reader.
belies nothing but a hint of sand, no need for [belies nothing but] isn't needed and weakens the line.
and tracings of honeyed kisses, 
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

'twas  the briefest slip-away, no need for 'twas. 1,) because it's redundant and 2,) because it's archaic and not in keeping with the language of the poem.
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

[Word Weaver]

Hi Billy, Thank you so. I posted a reply earlier but somehow, it disappeared somewhere in this weirrd wired web. lol Im deeply grateful for all the guidance and noted all the insights and hopefully, improved it better.  Im posting my revision. Thank you again.
My best regards, Kate

hi weaver, on first impression i think more could be done wit the punctuation (which can be a chore) another is to try and not be too literal. remember this is a poem not just a story. use some poetic devices if you can. use less words to make the poem more succinct if you can, place any edits above the original poem in the same (first post) so far the edit is a solid improvement. i got that it was about a tete-a-tete with mythical people, probably gods etc. Somnus sounds very Icelandic

Aloft the breath taking steep  of smaragdine  aloft as it stand feels a little confusing, a suggestion would be [Aloft; the breath......] making it two clauses instead of one. if it's a name should it be capped i ask as you do use caps in the poem.
Suspended on a knotted twine, what is?
Harp strings in whisper, no need for [in]
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts, in accord might be a better usage and no need for [my] it's already a given as you haven't mention the 2nd or third person.
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, 
of Never-a -care and  Eirene. no need to cap never as it's a time and not a place, yesterday is a place; Tuesday a time

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia,  i like this line. it imparts a secret to the reader.
belies nothing but a hint of sand, no need for [belies nothing but] isn't needed and weakens the line.
and tracings of honeyed kisses, 
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

'twas  the briefest slip-away, no need for 'twas. 1,) because it's redundant and 2,) because it's archaic and not in keeping with the language of the poem.
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

[billy]

the title change gives the reader a bit more and makes it less ambiguous. and some of the changes enhance the reader's journey through the nap. don't worry too much about it looking long or short. the line spacing made no difference to the good nor did the bold. white line spacing is used to create a longer pause which most of your lines didn't need good edit so far just a short way to go in polishing the bugger.

A Nap with the Gods- REVISED

Aloft the breathtaking lush of smaragdine i preferred steep. for me the stumble still comes from having no comma after aloft, i googled smaragdine and like it's use
hammocked on knotted twines,
Cronus-pinched swinging on the gods. i can't get the cronos pinched reference, (i do know he was titan of earth and sky) to work

Harp strings whisper
strike a chord with mythos thoughts, would thoughts of mythos work better?
releasing a wearied sigh. i like the connection between sigh and whisper
Musing on to a foreign time of never-a -care  no need for [on to]
and longings for Eirene.

]A start!

Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia,
a hint of sand and tracings of honeyed kisses this line reads a lot better by the edit. it's more direct
impassioned upon my lips, my arm and hand.

The briefest slip-away,
a visit with Pasithea, a spell of evanescence,
a sip from Hebe's cup,
Ambrosia to my essence! essence feels to close to evanescence in sound and feel almost as a repeat. would another word work better?

----------------

Aloft the breath taking steep of smaragdine
Suspended on a knotted twine,
Harp strings in whisper,
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts,
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, 
of Never-a -care and  Eirene.

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, 
belies nothing but a hint of sand,
and tracings of honeyed kisses, 
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

'twas  the briefest slip-away,
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.

[Word Weaver]

Deeply indebted, thank you, Billy.

the title change gives the reader a bit more and makes it less ambiguous. and some of the changes enhance the reader's journey through the nap.  don't worry too much about it looking long or short. the line spacing made no difference to the good nor did the bold. white line spacing is used to create a longer pause which most of your lines didn't need good edit so far just a short way to go in polishing the bugger.

A Nap with the Gods- REVISED

Aloft the breathtaking lush of smaragdine i preferred steep.(noted and changed.) for me the stumble still comes from having no comma after aloft,(this too i googled smaragdine and like it's use (Thank you.)
hammocked on knotted twines,
Cronus-pinched swinging on the gods. i can't get the cronos ( my bad! Its cHronos "time" pinched "stolen") pinched reference, (i  do know he was titan of earth and sky) to work

Harp strings whisper
strike a chord with mythos thoughts, would thoughts of mythos work better? (the "thos" of my and thoughts felt too distracting, mythos wit felt right)
releasing a wearied sigh. i like the connection between sigh and whisper (Thank you.)
Musing on to a foreign time of never-a -care  no need for [on to] (done and changed.)
and longings for Eirene.

]A start!

Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia,
a hint of sand and tracings of honeyed kisses this line reads a lot better by the edit. it's more direct( and Thank you, again
impassioned upon my lips, my arm and hand.

The briefest slip-away,
a visit with Pasithea, a spell of evanescence,
a sip from Hebe's cup,
Ambrosia to my essence! essence feels to close to evanescence in sound and feel almost as a repeat. would another word work better?( I agree, it does. " an ephemeral spell with Pasithea" , I wonder, would suit better with "a whiff from Hebe's cup, Ambrosia to my essence.

----------------

Aloft the breath taking steep of smaragdine
Suspended on a knotted twine,
Harp strings in whisper,
strikes a chord with my murmuring thoughts,
releasing a wearied sigh.

Musing  into a foreign time, 
of Never-a -care and  Eirene.

A start!
Dazed, from the yawning arms of Somnus' son,
winks, laced in sweet amnesia, 
belies nothing but a hint of sand,
and tracings of honeyed kisses, 
impassioned upon my lips, 
my arm and hand.

'twas  the briefest slip-away,
 a visit with Pasithea, 
a sip from Hebe,
a moment of evanescence, 
Ambrosia to my essence.