Prompted to sign up - I'm very much an amateur just enjoying the occasional flail at the keyboard.
My favourite, simple piece:
Lost
I had a dream once
Circular in reason
Teasing me
Bruised and beaten
Sleeping
I wandered angelic
Dorothy and Alice
Through nightmare geographies
Landscapes cruel, beautiful
And strange
Talking crows
Enveloped my eyes
A crown of pearlescent feathers
Obscuring my vision and yet
I saw
A waterfall of tears
A guru on a lotus
He whispered
Whiskey breath and sleepy eyed
A hep cat hipster in hemp cap
Gin and tonic gripped
Like a life preserver
“All you need is love”
And I wandered
Lost
Posts: 11
Threads: 4
Joined: Oct 2014
Glad to see you've joined us! Now lets take a look at this poem...
(10-05-2014, 12:53 PM)Quotidia Wrote: Prompted to sign up - I'm very much an amateur just enjoying the occasional flail at the keyboard.
My favourite, simple piece:
Lost
I had a dream once grammar, you need more grammar to separate the ideas and images and keep the audience interested. pauses, breaks, rests. Otherwise its a film with no editing.
Circular in reason
Teasing me
Bruised and beaten
Sleeping
I wandered angelic
Dorothy and Alice
Through nightmare geographies beautiful line!
Landscapes cruel, beautiful
And strange
Talking crows
Enveloped my eyes
A crown of pearlescent feathers
Obscuring my vision and yet
I saw
A waterfall of tears
A guru on a lotus
He whispered
Whiskey breath and sleepy eyed interesting juxtaposition of the Buddhist imagery and beat slang on the next line. Makes me think of Kerouac
A hep cat hipster in hemp cap
Gin and tonic gripped
Like a life preserver
“All you need is love” amen
And I wandered
Lost
I really like this piece, but you need to go through it with a fine toothed comb and add grammar. Separate the images, give it speed and momentum, pause, rest, a breath. Let the reader fill in the blanks and let the reader know that though the images are separate they all culminate into one piece. I suggest line breaks to avoid the wall of text issue and adding grammar. Grammar. Grammar. Grammar. Grammar.
But apart from that, nice work! I look forward to seeing more of your work
"Fuck Lord Byron! Mad, bad and dangerous to know; that's
you!" - Strange old woman to me after a reading.
Fine tooth comb, grammar, gotcha. Thank you ^^.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Hello and welcome! You've received some excellent advice from Lysander -- it is primarily punctuation and line breaks that are letting this poem down. Your images are lovely and fresh, with interesting juxtapositions of pop culture and classical references. Intertext almost always makes me happy
A tip on line length: longer lines are most effective for musing, meandering thoughts; short lines are breathless, fast-paced, flickering. There is no rule in poetry that says all lines should be the same or even similar length -- so be aware of what you're wanting to achieve, and let your layout do it for you.
It could be worse
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
lots of great lines in the poem. mainly they lead me to believe is was a waking drug induced dream or a meditative one. i enjoyed the fantasy refs from Oz and wonderland
i think you have loads of opportunity to play with the enjambment throughout the poem, not saying you should; just that you can in order to try and perfect some of the lines.
He whispered Whiskey breath
sleepy eyed
A hep cat hipster in hemp cap
this is a good solid piece of imagery
an enjoyable poem in need of a little punctuation to make it stand out as a really enjoyable poem
welcome to the site
(10-05-2014, 12:53 PM)Quotidia Wrote: Prompted to sign up - I'm very much an amateur just enjoying the occasional flail at the keyboard.
My favourite, simple piece:
Lost
I had a dream once no need for once [it was a dream] emphasis on a makes once redundant
Circular in reason
Teasing me
Bruised and beaten
Sleeping
I wandered angelic
Dorothy and Alice
Through nightmare geographies, great line in reference to above, also very transcendental imagery
Landscapes cruel, beautiful
And strange
Talking crows
Enveloped my eyes
A crown of pearlescent feathers
Obscuring my vision and yet
I saw
A waterfall of tears
A guru on a lotus another good reference from wonderland
He whispered
Whiskey breath and sleepy eyed
A hep cat hipster in hemp cap
Gin and tonic gripped
Like a life preserver
“All you need is love”
And I wandered
Lost
