A Love Armed

[metalfan91]

The world awaits a war on wars.
A black flag as a declaration
to burn all flags and declarations.
A friendship
defending itself.

The world awaits
a language before words
that can find unarmored hearts
in which to thrive; toppling pillars
of oppression and enslavement.
And fear.

The world awaits a love armed
to create a state of sovereigns.
A weapon of mass liberation;
a bomb that bursts into
flourishing moments.

[SomeRandom]

This really needs punctuation. Not every line has to start with an uppercase letter. It was a little difficult to read at first.

Regarding the content of the poem, although I understood the gist of it I'm afraid I didn't understand what you were really trying to say. Perhaps you are being too vague, or perhaps I'm simply a little slow this morning.

The world awaits a war on wars Yes, I love peace, big fan!
A black flag as a declaration Why a black flag? White is a symbol for peace, but what does black stand for here?
To burn all flags and declarations Now I'm pretty sure you're talking about anarchy here, but now the black flag of L2 seems redundant. How does the first flag carry the message to burn all flags and declarations?
A friendship
Defending itself This seems vague. I think you're talking about the common interest each man has in being allies with each other.

A language before words This felt like it was a continuation of the last line and I don't know why it's in a new stanza. Furthermore, what is meant by "a language before words"? Words are pretty old, what came before them that constitutes a language? I'm not sure we can even separate language from words.
That can find unarmored hearts you can replace "that can" with "to". I'm not making the connection between peace, love, anarchy and "unarmored hearts" tbh.
In which to thrive and topple pillars
Of oppression and enslavement
And fear "and" is not necessary. Toppling pillars of oppression is cliche. I do like the message though. I certainly dislike enslavement, oppression and fear. I would enjoy seeing it annihilated in a more creative way; it has been toppled so many times before.

The world awaits a love armed
To create a state of sovereignty Okay... love will lead to sovereignty, what comes in between?
A weapon of mass liberation Waiting...
A bomb that bursts into
Flourishing moments Still waiting.....
You never tell us what happens! The ending leaves too many unanswered questions for me . I want to know what this weapon of liberation is or at least in what capacity it will function to liberate humanity.

[metalfan91]

Hey thanks guys. Thanks for the feedback. I will attempt to provide more clarity for you guys and I'll add punctuation.

---

This really needs punctuation. Not every line has to start with an uppercase letter. It was a little difficult to read at first.

Regarding the content of the poem, although I understood the gist of it I'm afraid I didn't understand what you were really trying to say. Perhaps you are being too vague, or perhaps I'm simply a little slow this morning.

The world awaits a war on wars Yes, I love peace, big fan!
A black flag as a declaration Why a black flag? White is a symbol for peace, but what does black stand for here?
To burn all flags and declarations Now I'm pretty sure you're talking about anarchy here, but now the black flag of L2 seems redundant. How does the first flag carry the message to burn all flags and declarations?
A friendship
Defending itself This seems vague. I think you're talking about the common interest each man has in being allies with each other.

A language before words This felt like it was a continuation of the last line and I don't know why it's in a new stanza. Furthermore, what is meant by "a language before words"? Words are pretty old, what came before them that constitutes a language? I'm not sure we can even separate language from words.
That can find unarmored hearts you can replace "that can" with "to". I'm not making the connection between peace, love, anarchy and "unarmored hearts" tbh.
In which to thrive and topple pillars
Of oppression and enslavement
And fear "and" is not necessary. Toppling pillars of oppression is cliche. I do like the message though. I certainly dislike enslavement, oppression and fear. I would enjoy seeing it annihilated in a more creative way; it has been toppled so many times before.

The world awaits a love armed
To create a state of sovereignty Okay... love will lead to sovereignty, what comes in between?
A weapon of mass liberation Waiting...
A bomb that bursts into
Flourishing moments Still waiting.....
You never tell us what happens! The ending leaves too many unanswered questions for me . I want to know what this weapon of liberation is or at least in what capacity it will function to liberate humanity.

I appreciate your taking the time to respond to this as fully as you did. Let me just go through each comment and respond:

I thought it would be obvious why I chose black flag due to its anarchist associations. I would never say "I'm an anarchist" but I do enjoy philosophy related to what is called "anarchism," although I don't like the term. This is meant to be more spiritual than anything.

1)"How does the first flag carry the message to burn all flags and declarations..."

I'm not sure what you mean. The part you reference means fighting under the banner of a black flag (anarchy can be deduced from this, hint hint) to oppose all flags, even the black one. It's basically Jesus' lessons of love. Not the infatuation kind, but the deep respect for all life which can also be a secular feeling. A leaning toward cooperation rather than competition. (To be honest, I feel deconstructing it like this kills the poem. But that's why I'm here, I guess.)

Well, for it being vague, you sure hit the nail on the head! You say it clear as day. I'm glad you said it so perfectly: "the common interest each man has in being allies with each other." Spot on.

2)"This felt like it was a continuation of the last line and I don't know why it's in a new stanza. Furthermore, what is meant by "a language before words"? Words are pretty old, what came before them that constitutes a language? I'm not sure we can even separate language from words..."

A language before words is supposed to describe something we hold deeper than words. It is in the figurative sense. Like describing a hunter's feel for her surroundings as a "language." The way she scans the woods for signs of activity. It truly is an art form. Or, to be literal, before we
developed spoken language, and still lived together with unspoken trust

To be honest, I think that "That can" and "to" would fit just as well, but if it truly is that bad, I can change it as I would'nt be opposed to either. "peace, love, and anarchy" are all different words that mean the same thing, at least to me. And "unarmored hearts" simply means being open to one's self and to others - one of the most challenging things to overcome as a person.

Although it may sound cliche, and I may agree with you, is it really that bad if the point comes across in a concise way? I don't tend to change my writing without a little more feedback, not that I don't value what you have to say about this. I can appreciate that in itself. I may wait for further input, not that I'm owed it.

I've read plenty of great poems that are a lot more generous with their "and"s. But I did add punctuation. I hope that helps. And I don't mean to topple the pillars myself, nor do want this to have a "message." This is more of an expression than a message.

3)"Okay... love will lead to sovereignty, what comes in between?"

Whatever you imagine to come in between is what comes in between. And I don't know what shape the WML (I feel a little deflated that you didn't think this was clever. It's like weapon of mass destruction but opposite. Also, this poem looks like a bomb.) will take. If you're asking me how to liberate humanity, you're in for a shock. We've been trying for several thousand years. Again, I'm not trying to say what to do, only to express my thoughts about it.


My utmost thanks for your words and suggestions.

[alatos]

I like it. Reminiscent of Tolstoyan Christianity, in some ways. One suggestion would be to keep a continuous structure with the opening line of each section.

The world awaits a war on wars.

(The world awaits?) A language before words

The world awaits a love armed

or

The world awaits a war on wars.

A language before words

A love armed .......

[L Oquence]

I like it. I'm not a big fan of ideological or philosophical poetry personally. I generally prefer poetry that handles a tangible moment in time, as opposed to talks about a big broad vague topic. But some of the imagery you used... like the black flag.. was good for creating an image in my head. I think for what you were attempting it's honestly a big short and I'd rather you expand on it a bit more and reach some sort of ultimate conclusion but for what it was I think you demonstrated your viewpoint pretty clearly given the context of the poem. Nice work. Just work on leaving the reader with a more satisfied conclusion.

[metalfan91]

I like it. Reminiscent of Tolstoyan Christianity, in some ways. One suggestion would be to keep a continuous structure with the opening line of each section.

The world awaits a war on wars.

(The world awaits?) A language before words

The world awaits a love armed

or

The world awaits a war on wars.

A language before words

A love armed .......

I like this suggestion. I will have to see how it looks and flows. Thank you for that!

---

I like it. I'm not a big fan of ideological or philosophical poetry personally. I generally prefer poetry that handles a tangible moment in time, as opposed to talks about a big broad vague topic. But some of the imagery you used... like the black flag.. was good for creating an image in my head. I think for what you were attempting it's honestly a big short and I'd rather you expand on it a bit more and reach some sort of ultimate conclusion but for what it was I think you demonstrated your viewpoint pretty clearly given the context of the poem. Nice work. Just work on leaving the reader with a more satisfied conclusion.

I appreciate your thoughts on this. Most of what I write tends to be broad and not really a tangible moment in time. I know that is not the norm and some may see it as amateurish (I'm not saying I'm a master poet either) but that is what my style gravitates toward. I like to make a short statement about things in a general scope, which is not always the best for clarity. I am glad you like this, though.

I have a few questions. What ultimate conclusion do you see from this? What is unsatisfying about the ending?

[bwasroy]

The punctuation here is essentially random.

First line - okay
Third line - why capitalize "To"?
Third line - also that's not a sentence, why a period?
Fifth line - why not "A friendship, defending itself" or "A friendship defending itself", I don't get the point of these periods.
Eighth line - Why capitalize "That"?
Eighth line - I dislike the phrase "unarmored hearts", it's one of the phrases that sounds like it should mean more than it really does
Eleventh line - Why is "And fear" a whole other sentence?
Twelfth line - You've already used "Armed" as a description, this seems tired as a reptition

I'm sorry but I have absolutely no idea what this poem is about so I can't even approach it on a thematic level.

[KerouacJack]

I'm a fan of figurative poetry and this is a great attempt. Although other users have said otherwise I enjoyed the vagueness of some lines as it allowed you to make of it as you wish. Overall the feel I got from reading thus that you wished to covey the intangible elements of being human. Such as love, friendship and anger. The sense of religion you create also came to mind.

[billy]

a concrete poem in which the bomb works well with the poem. that said you have a lot of undefinables/intangibles that could be better shown than told. it seems to say a lot without saying a lot

The world awaits a war on wars.
A black flag as a declaration while i like the first lines statement i have to ask why
To burn all flags and declarations.
A friendship,
Defending itself.

The world awaits
A language before words
That can find unarmored hearts that finds would work better though i can see why you flesh it out to fit the picture.
In which to thrive; toppling pillars
Of oppression and enslavement.
And fear.

The world awaits a love armed
To create a state of sovereigns.
A weapon of mass liberation;
A bomb that bursts into
Flourishing moments.

[UberWilhelm]

The world awaits a war on wars.
A black flag as a declaration
To burn all flags and declarations.
A friendship,
Defending itself.

The world awaits
A language before words
That can find unarmored hearts
In which to thrive; toppling pillars
Of oppression and enslavement.
And fear.

The world awaits a love armed
To create a state of sovereigns.
A weapon of mass liberation;
A bomb that bursts into
Flourishing moments.

Hi there Metalfan.

Let me start off with I am extremely new to any kind of formal poetry (both writing and critiquing) so forgive me if I am missing anything that should have been obvious. I get the overall idea of your poem but like the others there are just a few things that don't make any sense to me. What did you mean with a "Friendship defending itself"? I don't understand what you were trying to say there. Also, what is a "a love armed"? I'm just not making the connection here to the rest of the poem.

[metalfan91]

The punctuation here is essentially random.

First line - okay
Third line - why capitalize "To"?
Third line - also that's not a sentence, why a period?
Fifth line - why not "A friendship, defending itself" or "A friendship defending itself", I don't get the point of these periods.
Eighth line - Why capitalize "That"?
Eighth line - I dislike the phrase "unarmored hearts", it's one of the phrases that sounds like it should mean more than it really does
Eleventh line - Why is "And fear" a whole other sentence?
Twelfth line - You've already used "Armed" as a description, this seems tired as a repitition

I'm sorry but I have absolutely no idea what this poem is about so I can't even approach it on a thematic level.

Hold on there. That is a lot to respond to.

All the capitalization is due to my lack of poetic skill in the technical sense; like believing every line starts with a capital letter. My bad. I'm sorry if these technical failings ruin the poem for you.

"And fear" is another sentence because it reflects the way I pretend it's not there in daily life. But the fear is there, below and evasive.

"it's one of the phrases that sounds like it should mean more than it really does"

Is that necessarily a bad thing? Unarmored hearts is a fancy way of connoting innocence.

"You've already used "Armed" as a description, this seems tired as a reptition (sic)"

I don't know if you've come to this seeking to find all the ways to hack away at this piece critically, but it seems you missed the mark on this. I use "unarmored" and "armed". Two different words, one signifying defense and the other offence.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and respond to this.

---

I'm a fan of figurative poetry and this is a great attempt. Although other users have said otherwise I enjoyed the vagueness of some lines as it allowed you to make of it as you wish. Overall the feel I got from reading thus that you wished to covey the intangible elements of being human. Such as love, friendship and anger. The sense of religion you create also came to mind.

Thank you for your reassuring words. I think the vagueness gives a certain freedom and flexibility. Much of what I write is like that, and it is polarizing.

I like that you got a religious sense out of this, because that's how I felt writing this. (Although there is value in being skeptical, I think we are innately born with religious feelings that can manifest as feelings of awe and wonder).

Thanks again for reading and responding.

[Lysander Gray]

The world awaits a war on wars.
A black flag as a declaration
to burn all flags and declarations.
A friendship
defending itself. you can make this line stronger by changing it to ''defends''

The world awaits
a language before words love this line
that can find unarmored hearts drop the can and add an S to find so it becomes "finds"
in which to thrive; toppling pillars
of oppression and enslavement. And is unnecessary and doesnt sound good. Streamline it and also drop the full stop.
And fear.

The world awaits a love armed
to create a state of sovereigns.
A weapon of mass liberation;
a bomb that bursts into
flourishing moments. < nothing to change here.

I really enjoyed the format, concept and delivery here. But I think it could sound more powerful, more direct, which would really bring it to life.