Colors of Emotion

[Snipesrock]

I wrote this today, I'm not a good writer and I know it. I've rarely written anything, and nothing that I have ever in my life felt this connected to.


Blue and red swim together.
Like the mouth of a river, and ocean.
They will be together, always and forever.
Mixing and churning, like a sweet potion.

Every time I look upon it, my emotions become a raging sea.
Where I once thought I fit, now doesn't seem so free.
This feeling I get is new and real.
Time wins this bet.
My walls, they seem to peel.

[Tamara]

I wrote this today, I'm not a good writer and I know it. I've rarely written anything, and nothing that I have ever in my life felt this connected to.


Blue and red swim together.  (does each sentence have to end with a period? You can have the first three lines without the period.)
Like the mouth of a river, and ocean.  
They will be together, always and forever. (i think you just need forever)
Mixing and churning, like a sweet potion.  

Every time I look upon it, my emotions become a raging sea. (look at them and again no need to end each line with a period )
Where I once thought I fit, now doesn't seem so free.  
This feeling I get is new and real.
Time wins this bet. (i don't think this line is required)
My walls, they seem to peel.

Welcome to the site. For someone who has rarely written anything, this is a good write. The colors and emotions seem to whirl and blend together .

[Snipesrock]

Thanks. Trust me, I feel them every time I read it again...

I wasn't sure about needing a period, I admittedly did terrible in any English class in high school outside of the reading areas of the class.

You're right about just needing forever, it does sound better. As well as "look at them."

"Time wins this bet" is a reference to feelings I felt long ago and had decided to shut them out, and they have returned stronger. Peeling my resistance.

This is very personal to me and I have never shared what I've written.

Thank you for the critique.

[rowens]

If you don't get carried away with the rhyming it works out better. Rhyming is easy, but it's not always the best rhymes.

[vrryan]

I know you can do better! I'm not a good critique but I really love
To give Interpretations.

I wrote this today, I'm not a good writer and I know it. I've rarely written anything, and nothing that I have ever in my life felt this connected to.


Blue and red swim together. i suggest you elaborate this blue and red. Is it a plain color? I suggest you elaborate.
Like the mouth of a river, and ocean. drop the article "a" this is used in singular, but you've got two things being stated. I suggest replacing it with "the".
They will be together, always and forever. drop the word "always", i guess that isn't needed
Mixing and churning, like a sweet potion.  you closed this stanza and left it hanging. Make another line for which the colors mixed into purple since colors change if they're being mixed. I suggest you go for it in a literal action but has deep meaning.

Every time I look upon it, my emotions become a raging sea.
Where I once thought I fit, now doesn't seem so free.  insert "would" between "I" and "Fit".
This feeling I get is new and real.
Time wins this bet. I'm not so sure if this is needed, if it is, elaborate it by making another line.
My walls, they seem to peel.Usually, walls break not peel. I suggest you change this. Make it more stunning on the way you close it. And one more thing, the 2nd stanza doesn't talk about colors but emotion, the title is like being chopped down and divided into different stanzas. I think you should add another stanza about the two together.

[Erthona]

This line "My walls, they seem to peel. " seems completely ad hoc, simply to rhyme with "real".

There are only two emotions? Blue would be depression and red would be anger. How about fear, loneliness, happy, joyous, et al. Plus you only mention them once. If one is going to use the title "Colors of Emotion", one should either add more colors or use a different title.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[Snipesrock]

Peel is not simply used to rhyme. Mostly walls do break down, but this took time, years in fact, for what happened. In my mind, they more peeled away, brick my brick.

As to red and blue: Red is meaning the color of her hair, as well as the fire of my feelings toward her, Blue is her eyes, which is holds her depression, and sadness. When her hair covers her eyes, the seem to swirl together. These colors and emotions are specific to my relationship with her.

Now I'm not trying to shoot you down, I welcome any advice. I just wanted to explain how it was in my head, and what it means to me.

So maybe "swirl" instead of "swim" would be a better word for that part.

[Erthona]

Shoot me down, I don't mind. We are not suppose to argue, but we can have dialogue as they say now days.

I like the explanation more than the poem, as it is a better poem. I may not have gotten what you meant correctly (as a reader that's not my job, it's your job as the writer to convey clearly what you mean to convey), but what I wrote, is generally a fairly common association of what blue and red means when applied to emotions. You entitled this "colors of emotions" if red represents her hair and blue represents her eyes then your title is inaccurate. Hair and eyes are not emotions, yet this is what you have identified the colors as representing.  Also, how is the reader supposed to figure out that these colors mean. When I think of red, I do not think of red hair (which is not red), but the color red, as in a stop sign. When I think of "blue", I generally think of a dark royal blue. Kind of like the blue in the border line on this page, if you have it set at blue, not eyes. Symbolism is generally a one to one correlation, not a two to one. You can't say, such and such means, this and that, which means, X and Y. Actually, as I review this I see you have a singular-plural conflict in the title. If you take the title at face value, then one emotion is represented by more than one color. If one makes the logical connection, one probably thinks there is a typo in the title. And as you refer to two colors in the poem, the natural conclusion to draw is that you meant Colors of Emotions, that is two colors and two emotions. As of walls, if one says the walls peel, then one assume it is referring to the painting or covering on the walls that is peeling, especially as walls do not peel. They break, as someone said, or they fall down. I don't believe I mentioned "churning", although swirl would probably work better.

Dale

Peel is not simply used to rhyme. Mostly walls do break down, but this took time, years in fact, for what happened. In my mind, they more peeled away, brick my brick.

As to red and blue: Red is meaning the color of her hair, as well as the fire of my feelings toward her, Blue is her eyes, which is holds her depression, and sadness.  When her hair covers her eyes, the seem to swirl together.  These colors and emotions are specific to my relationship with her.

Now I'm not trying to shoot you down, I welcome any advice. I just wanted to explain how it was in my head, and what it means to me.

So maybe "swirl" instead of "swim" would be a better word for that part.

[StanleyZ]

I wrote this today, I'm not a good writer and I know it. I've rarely written anything, and nothing that I have ever in my life felt this connected to.


Blue and red swim together.
Like the mouth of a river, and ocean.  
They will be together, always and forever.
Mixing and churning, like a sweet potion.  

Every time I look upon it, my emotions become a raging sea.
Where I once thought I fit, now doesn't seem so free.  
This feeling I get is new and real.
Time wins this bet.
My walls, they seem to peel.

Blue, and red. Well in respects to emotions I think of blue as being intellectual, and manipulating, and red as chaotic and passionate, or maybe I just play too much Magic The Gathering... As an image these colors seem ambiguous. These colors might mean the world to you, but if they don't mean anything to the readers, we will never feel the same way that you do towards this piece. I feel blue and red are equal (as far as being colors), but even at the mouth the ocean is much larger than the river. The river isn't flowing with the ocean, it's flowing to it. Given the fact that this idea of color is so balanced the imagery of river to ocean works, but not on every level. Always and forever? Don't say that, unless you are on the payroll at Disney, or Hallmark. I do like the idea of mixing like a potion. The strongest part of using the word potion is the fact that it has a strong association with emotion through rhyme, and even more than that. Potions effect emotions, and when you hear one, hearing the other reinforces that in your mind. That is my favorite part of this poem. A bit cliche, but for your first piece this shows potential. I can see you have chosen certain words on purpose, that is good. Keep doing that, and don't be afraid to fail. Failure is the most important part of being a writer.

[billy]

hi snipesrock,
first off let me say thanks for the feedback effort you're putting in. try and give some feedback outside the newb forum possibly in the novice or mild.

have to let my daughter use the pc so will be back with some feedback in a few minutes.
i'm back...

most of us were or are in the same boat when it comes to ability when we started out.

for a first poem it's excellent, as a poem in general it needs quite a bit of editing. look out for cliche, [common phrases] keep the words to a minimum till you get the hang of it. try and allow the reader to see what you see. or what you want them to see.
sorry if the feedback seems a bit full. just use of it want you want and discard the rest.

good first effort

I wrote this today, I'm not a good writer and I know it. I've rarely written anything, and nothing that I have ever in my life felt this connected to.


Blue and red swim together. the reader needs a lot more information, you know what you mean but the reader doesn't
Like the mouth of a river, and ocean.  the simile fails because they don't seem to swim together, a suggestion would be swirl or something else that describes a coming together,
They will be together, always and forever. always and forever are redundant really because the first part of the line implies them being together
Mixing and churning, like a sweet potion.  the simile feels as though it needs better word use in the latter part.

Every time I look upon it, my emotions become a raging sea. look upon them
Where I once thought I fit, now doesn't seem so free.  [where i fitted isn't as free]
This feeling I get is new and real.
Time wins this bet.
My walls, they seem to peel.

[Snipesrock]

Sorry I haven't made a post, been dealing with a lot of work, kids, and other things. I'll get to a proper post when I can.