Humilty

[Mwaba don]

Afflicting that one finds oneself to exist
after great loss or great accomplishment
at the same state of actuality
as if all originates from the same state of being, Humility!

Enlightening, that in search for wholeness
a lowly heart lies not at an aisle’s close
but like clothing one don’s when in esteemed need
especially in the midst of those higher than oneself.

Puzzling that, such a gift of being,
poses as a veil for all who
present themselves in goodness
purposely only to make them vulnerable.

It may be an act for the rich,
it may be a solace for the poor,
it may be a jewel for the noble
but in all graces a holder of esteems.

Dispiriting to those who know not
like an unknown Jewel it may lay forgotten
yet it lies open in actuality, worse even
it May be used as a mask to deceive the destitute.

But then,
a lowly heart will be a lonely heart
if it joys not.
Likewise,
a lowly heart will be a depressed heart  
if prided not.

That one would suppress one self’s joy
in fear that he or she be judged phony
that one would lose one’s self sincerity
in fear that he or she be judged gloomy.

Certainly, a lowly heart through it all
a source of ones joy.
all in all a lowly heart through it all
a bearer of all life’s Troubles.

[tectak]

Afflicting that one finds oneself to exist afflicting is the wrong word
after great loss or great accomplishment loss and accomplishment are not diametrically comparitive.
at the same state of actuality "at" is used positionally not chronologically yet you use "after" in the source statement. Incoherent.
as if all originates from the same state of being, Humility! gobbledygook

Enlightening, that in search for wholeness
a lowly heart lies not at an aisle’s close gobbledygook masquerading as metaphor. Metaphors should clarify, not obscure
but like clothing one don’s when in esteemed need gobbledygook without pretensions. You are just guessing the meaning of words...wrongly
especially in the midst of those higher than oneself. complete and accomplished nonsense

Puzzling that, such a gift of being, just plain silly punctuation.You know, better.
poses as a veil for all who poses is the wrong word
present themselves in goodness
purposely, only to make them vulnerable? consummate garbage. Not a question?You are not making any attempt to write english. Are you doing this deliberately? I am becoming less and less inclined to continue reading this piece. You MUST have some idea of what you are trying to say but it reads as if written in Tamil then put through google translate.

It may be an act for the rich,
it may be a solace for the poor, Bloody hell...a refreshingly clear cliche
it may be a jewel for the noble
but in all graces a holder of esteems. Ah. Short lived. Back to gobbledygook

Dispiriting, to those who know not
like an unknown Jewel it may lay forgotten
yet it lies open in actuality, worse even
it May be used as a mask to deceive the destitute. I give up...but you did first

But then,
a lowly heart will be a lonely heart
if it joys not.This whole line is incompetent in all areas. This is not a cruel comment. You do need to know.
Likewise,
a lowly heart will be a depressed heart  
if prided not. I could not fail to disagree with you less...see, I can write like you.I should be Mayor of London

That one would suppress one self’s joy
in fear that he or she be judged phony
that one would lose one’s self sincerity
in fear that he or she be judged gloomy.

Certainly, A lowly heart through it all
a source of ones joy.
all in all, a lowly heart through it all
a bearer of all life’s Troubles.

It is illiterate in every area. Any sentiment which you wish to express is hidden in the wreckage of broken syntax and fractured english. Words are used without care or understanding. Please do not try to explain what you mean in any reply to this crit, or I shall ask "then why did you not say so in the poem?"
This "excuse" of not writing in "first language" may be true (is it?) but unless corrected will lead to increasing confidence in the posting of nonsense. Surely, that is not desirable?
You are obviously a dedicated writer and thinker. You need to bring these two great attributes together in order to do justice to your work.
Best,
tectak
PS I have no idea what this piece is about. Even the title
"Humilty" is a poser.

[Mwaba don]

Afflicting that one finds oneself to exist afflicting is the wrong word
after great loss or great accomplishment loss and accomplishment are not diametrically comparitive.
at the same state of actuality "at" is used positionally not chronologically yet you use "after" in the source statement. Incoherent.
as if all originates from the same state of being, Humility! gobbledygook

Enlightening, that in search for wholeness
a lowly heart lies not at an aisle’s close gobbledygook masquerading as metaphor. Metaphors should clarify, not obscure
but like clothing one don’s when in esteemed need gobbledygook without pretensions. You are just guessing the meaning of words...wrongly
especially in the midst of those higher than oneself. complete and accomplished  nonsense

Puzzling that, such a gift of being, just plain silly punctuation.You know, better.
poses as a veil for all who poses is the wrong word
present themselves in goodness
purposely, only to make them vulnerable? consummate garbage. Not a question?You are not making any attempt to write english. Are you doing this deliberately? I am becoming less and less inclined to continue reading this piece. You MUST have some idea of what you are trying to say but it reads as if written in Tamil then put through google translate.

It may be an act for the rich,
it may be a solace for the poor, Bloody hell...a refreshingly clear cliche
it may be a jewel for the noble
but in all graces a holder of esteems. Ah. Short lived. Back to gobbledygook

Dispiriting, to those who know not
like an unknown Jewel it may lay forgotten
yet it lies open in actuality, worse even
it May be used as a mask to deceive the destitute. I give up...but you did first

But then,
a lowly heart will be a lonely heart
if it joys not.This whole line is incompetent in all areas. This is not a cruel comment. You do need to know.
Likewise,
a lowly heart will be a depressed heart  
if prided not. I could not fail to disagree with you less...see, I can write like you.I should be Mayor of London

That one would suppress one self’s joy
in fear that he or she be judged phony
that one would lose one’s self sincerity
in fear that he or she be judged gloomy.

Certainly, A lowly heart through it all
a source of ones joy.
all in all, a lowly heart through it all
a bearer of all life’s Troubles.

It is illiterate in every area. Any sentiment which you wish to express is hidden in the wreckage of broken syntax and fractured english. Words are used without care or understanding. Please do not try to explain what you mean in any reply to this crit, or I shall ask "then why did you not say so in the poem?"
This "excuse" of  not writing in "first language" may be true (is it?) but unless corrected will lead to increasing confidence in the posting of nonsense. Surely, that is not desirable?
You are obviously a dedicated writer and thinker. You need to bring these two great attributes together in order to do justice to your work.
Best,
tectak
PS I have no idea what this piece is about. Even the title
"Humilty" is a poser.

Well thanks for the Honest critic.

[billy]

i can't help but go with what tecktak stated.
a suggestion would be to post in novice for a while and to start off with shorter poems. the shorter ones are easier to work with. try not to be too abstract (ask yourself "will others see what i see or at least a semblance of what i see in what i write") if you get too many replies like toms (two are to many) then rethink how and what you're laying down as a poem.

[71degrees]

Afflicting that one finds oneself to exist
after great loss or great accomplishment
at the same state of actuality
as if all originates from the same state of being, Humility!

Enlightening, that in search for wholeness
a lowly heart lies not at an aisle’s close
but like clothing one don’s when in esteemed need
especially in the midst of those higher than oneself.

Puzzling that, such a gift of being,
poses as a veil for all who
present themselves in goodness
purposely only to make them vulnerable.

It may be an act for the rich,
it may be a solace for the poor,
it may be a jewel for the noble
but in all graces a holder of esteems.

Dispiriting to those who know not
like an unknown Jewel it may lay forgotten
yet it lies open in actuality, worse even
it May be used as a mask to deceive the destitute.

But then,
a lowly heart will be a lonely heart
if it joys not.
Likewise,
a lowly heart will be a depressed heart  
if prided not.

That one would suppress one self’s joy
in fear that he or she be judged phony
that one would lose one’s self sincerity
in fear that he or she be judged gloomy.

Certainly, a lowly heart through it all
a source of ones joy.
all in all a lowly heart through it all
a bearer of all life’s Troubles.

"Humility" is a tough nut. You are certainly at liberty to write a poem about it and you may indeed know something about it but there is not a single picture here that shows me what you are saying. "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes tells it much better. Find it on youtube. Listen to it. It will help you to articulate.

If you are writing from English as Second Language viewpoint, take some time to edit. Everyone deserves a break. If you are not, a big shame on you. Grammatically, the poem is a killer and it hurts my eyes.

[azure]

Afflicting that one finds oneself to exist
after great loss or great accomplishment
at the same state of actuality
as if all originates from the same state of being, Humility!

Enlightening, that in search for wholeness
a lowly heart lies not at an aisle’s close
but like clothing one don’s when in esteemed need
especially in the midst of those higher than oneself.

Puzzling that, such a gift of being,
poses as a veil for all who
present themselves in goodness
purposely only to make them vulnerable.

It may be an act for the rich,
it may be a solace for the poor,
it may be a jewel for the noble
but in all graces a holder of esteems.

Dispiriting to those who know not
like an unknown Jewel it may lay forgotten
yet it lies open in actuality, worse even
it May be used as a mask to deceive the destitute.

But then,
a lowly heart will be a lonely heart
if it joys not.
Likewise,
a lowly heart will be a depressed heart  
if prided not.

That one would suppress one self’s joy
in fear that he or she be judged phony
that one would lose one’s self sincerity
in fear that he or she be judged gloomy.

Certainly, a lowly heart through it all
a source of ones joy.
all in all a lowly heart through it all
a bearer of all life’s Troubles.

Your language use here is clumsy and sluggish, weighing down this piece and making it difficult to read and digest. Your use of repetition with certain words shows lack of experience and review, like you just sped through the creative process and rushed the production of the poem. I also have issues with the poems length and blatant cliches. Also there are some grammatical errors that need to be attended to. This poem needs serious editing before it's expression is concise and executed properly. Review your poetry before posting it, and edit as much as you can beforehand. All the best.

Azure