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Threads: 12
Joined: Aug 2014
A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body,
“You have Cancer” the doctor said, at First.
Pooh… there must be a mistake?
for a couple of seconds my world went black
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.
Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die
or if life would ever be enjoyable
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes.
But, I chose not to give in to despair,
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.
Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.
I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.
Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.
Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!
(Note: Based on a conversation with my aunt)
Posts: 13
Threads: 3
Joined: Sep 2014
(09-29-2014, 05:59 AM)Mwaba don Wrote: A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body,
“You have Cancer” the doctor said, at First.
Pooh… there must be a mistake?
for a couple of seconds my world went black
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.
Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die
or if life would ever be enjoyable
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes.
But, I chose not to give in to despair,
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.
Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.
I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.
Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.
Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!
(Note: Based on a conversation with my aunt)
I see what you are trying to evoke with this poem and I appreciate it very much. Just some advice for further writing instead of saying straight out that the hero has cancer why not leave his illness (or whatever's killing him) ambiguous, just let the reader know that he's dying, and do so in a clever way, use metaphor. Try not to say things straight out too much unless your aiming for a Whitman sort of feel. I can tell you're a fine writer and more than capable of it. Keep writing and most importantly don't think too much. Let it slip out.
Posts: 438
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body,
“You have Cancer” the doctor said, at First.
Pooh… there must be a mistake?
for a couple of seconds my world went black
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.
Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die
or if life would ever be enjoyable
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes.
But, I chose not to give in to despair,
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.
This is characteristic, but it doesn't say much. It tells the tale of this character though.
Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.
This stanza above here is worded kind of funny.
I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.
Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.
Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!
It's all characteristic of what someone would say. But lots of people talk, and it doesn't turn out a poem. That talking can get there. Maybe you think it's already there.
It is a very sad subject and a tough one to write about. However, I did enjoy it after a few reads. It took a few reads because I felt I missed words, as some of the stanzas had a rhyme and some didn't, so I would go back a read it again. Also I see at times (very few) where punctuation was used and elsewhere it was not, it got confusing to me, so again I would have to go back and reread. As said, over all a sad heartfelt read, thank you.
Amitey Blyss
Unregistered
Spoke to me, the feeling were real. As a cancer survivor myself, I could totally relate to the overall feeling the poem left me with.
Was a bit stumbling to get through
"but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence."
Just doesn't seem to flow there. The rhythm seems off. The use of your family's presence a couple of lines down seems to search for a different word.
Beautiful feeling tho. Thank you.
