I Do

[vrryan]

I Do

I'm in a crowd, full of strangers
But I only saw one guy
How nice it is for hearts to conquer
That a person could never buy

Attention's less, when I'm day dreaming
I think of you in every song
Not sure if it's you who I am seeing
Hoping it was you all along

My life is never fair and square
I'm blinded by reality
Found out, he loves a friend that I care
That leads me nothing but insanity

Realized that I'm wasting time
But my heart never ceases
My love for you is never a mime
Until I hear your voice that eases

My caring friend has another man
Knowing I'm hopeless for someone like you
I'll reach the limit with all that I can
Just let me be the one to say I DO

[Erthona]

vrryan, welcome to the site.

I like the concept at the end, it is very fresh.
On the negative most of the rhymes seem forced, and although this is not metered, there is a certain cadence (as is the case in accentual verse), that has been established and then upon occasion. Such as

"Hoping it was you all along"

There is also some weird line truncation, such as

"Found out, he loves a friend that I care" That really makes no sense without the "for" on the end of the line. Additionally, I think if you define a person as a friend, the idea that you care for them is a bit redundant.

I think that "That a person could never buy" would read better as "What a person could never buy".

Starting each line off with a capitol makes the reading more difficult. Better to follow the general rules of grammar unless you have a compelling reason to do otherwise.

This has a nice plaintive tone, but at times it moves into the pitiable.

Love poetry is one of the most difficult types of poetry. One can hardly avoid the cliches of the millions of other love poems. As I said I do like the idea of being willing to wait while this guy goes through other girls, as long as you are the one marrying him, but there is some hard editing needed to make good use of this idea.

Dale

[vrryan]

vrryan, welcome to the site.

I like the concept at the end, it is very fresh.
On the negative most of the rhymes seem forced, and although this is not metered, there is a certain cadence (as is the case in accentual verse), that has been established and then upon occasion. Such as

"Hoping it was you all along"

There is also some weird line truncation, such as

"Found out, he loves a friend that I care" That really makes no sense without the "for" on the end of the line. Additionally, I think if you define a person as a friend, the idea that you care for them is a bit redundant.

I think that "That a person could never buy" would read better as "What a person could never buy".

Starting each line off with a capitol makes the reading more difficult. Better to follow the general rules of grammar unless you have a compelling reason to do otherwise.

This has a nice plaintive tone, but at times it moves into the pitiable.

Love poetry is one of the most difficult types of poetry. One can hardly avoid the cliches of the millions of other love poems. As I said I do like the idea of being willing to wait while this guy goes through other girls, as long as you are the one marrying him, but there is some hard editing needed to make good use of this idea.

Dale

Thank you for your criticisms. I will do better next time.

[billy]

don't forget to give feedback elsewhere outside the newly registered forum please

[simmon]

Hello, I really like the story behide it, but I think the rythme can be improve a little more. "I think of you in every song" is a bit too much for me given that the person is quite a dreamer. Well... just my opinion anyway. ^ ^"

[vrryan]

Hello, I really like the story behide it, but I think the rythme can be improve a little more. "I think of you in every song" is a bit too much for me given that the person is quite a dreamer. Well... just my opinion anyway. ^ ^"

Hey, thanks. My friend asked me if I could make a poem for her but not that I'm really good at making poems. She has a crush on someone, who doesn't even know she existed. She told me that she is thinking about her crush in every song she is hearing, and she has in mind that she saw her crush on a specific place but she doesn't even know if it was really him. She was hoping that it was her crush. Thanks btw.