Maturing

[Tiger the Lion]

Maturing


I fell in love today,
and like my poet friends advised:
I put my pen away.

We can talk about it later.
It's too big to wrap in this paper
anyway.

pb 9-27

[Tamara]

Maturing


I fell in love today,
and like my poet friends advised:
I put my pen away.Y

We can talk about it later.
It's too big to wrap in this paper
anyway.

pb 9-27

I wondered if this was a senryu when i first read it and it was like no to the punctuation. But as a short piece it reads well and it's concise and neat. Do you need the 'anyway' in the last line? I wonder how it would read if you bring the 'in this paper' down instead.

[Tiger the Lion]

Tamara, General short-form I would call this. I like your ideas but I'm kinda stuck on "anyway" as a last line because I thinks it's kinda a throwaway end rhyme. I'm trying for a little mockery. As if pen and paper could wrap it. Thx for reading. - Paul

[Erthona]

Paul,

The first stanza is completely written in iambic, however you stray from that in the second, and it comes out somewhat choppy.
I can understand wanting the caesura at the end. However, a Tamara suggested about breaking the second line in two, it would also keep up the rhyme pattern that is established in the first stanza I think it would make S2 more solid.

Dale

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Dale. I think we had a similar discussion on another piece. One of my tendencies (I wouldn't call it style), is to let form dissolve toward the end of a poem. I think you advised that the habit was ok, but very difficult to master. Looks like I did it again here to some extent. But as you and Tamara agree, I'm gonna rethink this one. Thanks.

[Brownlie]

Maturing


I fell in love today,
and like my poet friends advised:
I put my pen away. -- This is an interesting idea for a poem.


We can talk about it later.
It's too big to wrap in this paper -- I would get rid of "this" as it interrupts the rhythm.  You have two trochaic lines that rhyme. The resulting chanting sound is then interrupted by a terse last line which stops the reader abruptly. Something you may want to play with.
anyway.

pb 9-27

[Tiger the Lion]

Maturing


I fell in love today,
and like my poet friends advised:
I put my pen away. -- This is an interesting idea for a poem.


We can talk about it later.
It's too big to wrap in this paper -- I would get rid of "this" as it interrupts the rhythm.  You have two trochaic lines that rhyme. The resulting chanting sound is then interrupted by a terse last line which stops the reader abruptly. Something you may want to play with.
anyway.

pb 9-27

Thank you Brownlie. Those are some of the issues I'm working on. I'm having trouble posting edits with some of the glitches. - Paul