liquid deception

[lanamyheart]

I gain stability under tarnished skin, numbing pain of souls who can't bear to stand.
Amity from those that seek comfort in my cool burn.
Trust from those that exchange their faith, to float to the vibrations of my heartbeat.
Power from those trapped in my riptide, struggling in vain….
For the strength of the ocean's bond, lives to eternity

[Brownlie]

I don't always do this, partly because I'm lazy and partly because I'm not very good, but you should punctuate your poem. Maybe think of it like prose and look up some grammar which is supposed to enhance meaning or enforce aesthetically pleasing stopping points and things like that.

[Tamara]

tumble dry and spill me out
pour me over the streets
clear poison, the most dangerous form
seeping under your skin
cleansing away the world
for eternity

I found the lines 3 and 5 contradictory. You are speaking of poison seeping under the skin and then cleansing. It's not connecting for me.  A pinch of punctuation wouldn't do harm to the poem.

[lanamyheart]

tumble dry and spill me out
pour me over the streets
clear poison, the most dangerous form
seeping under your skin
cleansing away the world
for eternity

I found the lines 3 and 5 contradictory. You are speaking of poison seeping under the skin and then cleansing. It's not connecting for me.  A pinch of punctuation wouldn't do harm to the poem.

Thank you for your input Tamara. I am new to this whole poetry thing, so I need all the help I can get! I started working on the grammar aspect, and the poem completely transformed!

[lanamyheart]

I don't always do this, partly because I'm lazy and partly because I'm not very good, but you should punctuate your poem. Maybe think of it like prose and look up some grammar which is supposed to enhance meaning or enforce aesthetically pleasing stopping points and things like that.

Thank you for your reply! This poem was definitely a work in progress! In my new version I tried to pay more attention to grammar, but any additional feedback would be appreciated.

[Tamara]

these two lines:

cleansing away the world
for eternity

sounds a bit cliched. it could be reworked. and i feel 'to' works better than 'for'.

[billy]

please give feedback elsewhere outside the newly registered forum/mod