Grandeur

[brandontoh]

1st edit:
Grandeur

Let the books fall
like whale carcasses
flopping onto the old,
dusty floor.

Let narration from YouTube fill
up the spaces with white noise,
diffusing
into garbles.

Let shadows of thoughts
drown, bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die.

original:
Grandeur

Let the books fall
like whale carcasses
flopping onto the filthy
dusty floor.

Let narration from YouTube videos fill
up the spaces with white noise,
as words diffuse from a British lady
into senseless garbles.

Let shadows of thoughts drown,
bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die.

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I'm back!! Woohoo! It has been a while. Hello everyone! =)

[tectak]

Grandeur
Let the books fall
like whale carcassesGood. Visual.Though what books? Should I know ALREADY? Is it going to be metaphorical books as metaphorical whales?If so, I still like it....but the "fithy(comma) dusty floor" takes me away from whichever metaphor I am supposed to relate to. Too filthy. You could make more of the antiquation. We are in an old, dusty room...but filthy?
flopping onto the filthy
dusty floor.
Let narration from YouTube videos fillNarration from videos....hmmmmm. Well, yes, it does happen....quite a lot on youtube when the picture buffers out...but I can see that to explain this "visualisation" you will need to use the "as" word. Why? The "as" word is simultaneity. Is that in any way relevant? In fact, I think I have got it....or rather, NOT got it. This whole stanza avoids coherence and I think that is deliberate. White noise (contains no information), spaces (contains nothing),diffuse (disappears into nothingness),senseless ( having no discernible meaning), garbles (inconsequential mutterings). Er....is this a bit wordy?
up the spaces with white noise,
as words diffuse from a British lady
into senseless garbles.Dangerously close to a day trip to Strawberry Fields
Let shadows of thoughts drown,
bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die.Well yes. A nice round-up...but to what? I am left savouring the aftertaste but cannot pin down the principal flavour but:
Let shadows of thoughts
drown, bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die.
Your poem.

-----------------------------------
I'm back!! Woohoo! It has been a while. Hello everyone! =)

....and with a good one ,too! Perhaps a little enigmatic in its overall inconclusiveness but for me you would do well to reformat the line-outs. As you are not in pursuit of rhyme or obvious reason you have taken a free hand to the piece and just thrashed it to little bits...to a degree, this works because it is breathless prose, nothing wrong with that, except that in the nits I highlight (all is opinion) your words became dissassociated from meaning at the same precise moment as you NEEDED to be clear in intent. Not so the last stanza...that is the template that the others should tentatively follow.
I hesitate to say that I understood it, but I sure as hell get the feeling that you do...that is a pleasant change. Deliberately obscure
Best,
tectak

[billy]

on first impression it reads pretty slick then i realize i don't get it i see three statement reinforcing each other but with what? for me the poem as whole needs a bit more context.

and HI ...again

Grandeur

Let the books fall
like whale carcasses
flopping onto the filthy
dusty floor. sounds good but whales don't flop onto dusty floors, it's a sort of mixed metaphor i think sandy floor or sandy seabed would be a suggestion.

Let narration from YouTube videos fill
up the spaces with white noise, when i see/hear [up the] i take it as show or put in more, but i think i get what you're saying, (youtube videos are as boring as background noise.)
as words diffuse from a British lady
into senseless garbles.

Let shadows of thoughts drown,
bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die.

-----------------------------------

I'm back!! Woohoo! It has been a while. Hello everyone! =)

[brandontoh]

Thanks tectak, thanks billy! The original title of the poem was 'Feverish Daydream', does that help provide more context?

tectak: It always amazes me the little details that you manage to catch in a poem that I couldn't even after reading it many times. One day, I'll critique your poems. The unique syntax that you have makes me a little apprehensive, but I'll try, sooner or later.

[billy]

'fraid not brandon. i think it needs something really direct so it points the reader where you want them to go.

[just mercedes]

Grandeur

Let the books fall
like whale carcasses do they flop?
flopping onto the filthy you got a bit carried away with 'f' sounds
dusty floor.

Let narration from YouTube videos fill
up the spaces with white noise, maybe a particular vid would work better than the general
as words diffuse from a British lady I wonder why she is British?
into senseless garbles. interesting new noun

Let shadows of thoughts drown,
bubble, and sink;
because in this place,
even gods can die. good strong ending, though I'm not sure of what.


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Hi - I'm intrigued to discover why this protagonist is despairing about knowledge. A room full of books made me think library or office, and the feeling is of loss of faith in learning. If even gods can die, what chance does a mortal have? Very existentialist, that loss of will.

I'm back!! Woohoo! It has been a while. Hello everyone! =)

[brandontoh]

Thanks mercedes! I've got the first edit up. I've decided to keep the vagueness there, because I really can't think of any way to make the idea more tangible. Trimmed the poem some, and adopted most of all your suggestions. mercedes is really close to the intended meaning though!