Hand eye co-ordination

[Keith]

Edit 1

She just stepped out!
two lads in a red car
sending her into the air;
no sound, only a deep thud.

Tights torn at the knees,
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea,
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control
of her bladder.

The phone box stank of piss,
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a gobbed on receiver,
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.

Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident,
Park road shops, what?
no they don’t have fucking numbers,
hurry please she’s in pain.

Eileen,
it was embroidered on her fraid pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence.
Twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday, she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her.

Original
She just stepped out!
A pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air;
no sound came out, only a deep thud.
Tights were torn at the knees
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control.
 
The phone box stunk of piss
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a gobbed on receiver, 
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.
Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident, Park road shops
no they don’t have fucking numbers
hurry please, she’s in pain.
 
Her name was Eileen,
it was embroidered on the pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence,
twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday and she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her.

[ellajam]

Hi, Keith, another fine one. I think the first four lines could use some punctuation change. I'm no expert, but here's one way that might work:
She just stepped out!
A pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air;
no sound came out, only a deep thud.
In S2 L4 did you mean "gobbed"?

She just stepped out!
a pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air,
no sound came out only a deep thud.
Tights were torn at the knees
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control.
love the last three lines here.
 
The phone box stunk of piss
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a grobbed on receiver, 
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.
Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident, Park road shops
no they don’t have fucking numbers
hurry please, she’s in pain.
Really solid straight through here. 
Her name was Eileen,
it was embroidered on the pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence,
twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday and she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her.
Great ending.

Thanks for posting, I'm enjoying it.

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

It's quite graphic and the almost staccato tempo seems to help with the sense of flight fight response in the observer.
The only thing I can say about that is that maybe if it had an ebb and flow it could further show the staggered breathing and rushing thoughts of the witness, but it is still good.
Aside from these two main points I liked that it is not overly saturated with details, again this lends to the theme of a traumatic event.

[Keith]

Hi, Keith, another fine one. I think the first four lines could use some punctuation change. I'm no expert, but here's one way that might work:
She just stepped out!
A pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air;
no sound came out, only a deep thud.
In S2 L4 did you mean "gobbed"?

She just stepped out!
a pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air,
no sound came out only a deep thud.
Tights were torn at the knees
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control.
love the last three lines here.
 
The phone box stunk of piss
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a grobbed on receiver, 
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.
Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident, Park road shops
no they don’t have fucking numbers
hurry please, she’s in pain.
Really solid straight through here. 
Her name was Eileen,
it was embroidered on the pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence,
twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday and she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her.
Great ending.

Thanks for posting, I'm enjoying it.

Many thanks for the help Ellajam I have made the changes suggested. Also thank you for your comments Grobbed and Gobbed mean the same thing to me but Gobbed is probably more widely accepted So will change cheers Keith

[Keith]

It's quite graphic and the almost staccato tempo seems to help with the sense of flight fight response in the observer.
The only thing I can say about that is that maybe if it had an ebb and flow it could further show the staggered breathing and rushing thoughts of the witness, but it is still good.
Aside from these two main points I liked that it is not overly saturated with details, again this lends to the theme of a traumatic event.

Hi TheOnlyRedSmurf 
Welcome to the Pig Pen. Thank you for your considered comments, I will have a think about the ebb and flow as it could help the readers engagement with the poem, just not sure I have the capability but will have a think so thanks for the suggestion. 
It's great to see a new member starting with feedback  it is after all the life blood of the site. Best Keith 

[StanleyZ]

She just stepped out!
A pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air;
no sound came out, only a deep thud.
Tights were torn at the knees
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control.
 
The phone box stunk of piss
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a gobbed on receiver, 
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.
Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident, Park road shops
no they don’t have fucking numbers
hurry please, she’s in pain.
 
Her name was Eileen,
it was embroidered on the pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence,
twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday and she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her.

Wow. You certainly told a story here, and it had a powerful impact on me as a reader.
Okay so we start off with an abrupt exclamation, and it is in response to a terrible accident.
The Ford slammed on, at first it took me a second but it could mean slammed on the gas petal,
Or maybe the breaks to no avail. The image of nylon and tights make this woman feel young and beautiful
One thing I really love is that the whole description of the accident is scatter. It all happens so fast
I feel like it's a police report taken from a frantic loved one, but that adds to the sudden chaos of
What is happening. Your structure works well to reinforce the craziness of a tragedy like this.
then the phone booth. The narrator is now viewed as a loved one of the victim, which is grounds for
The explicit language. No. Nothing about this poem is mild, and in that situation I probably wouldn't
Want to look for the nearest adress number either. You did well in capturing that real aspect of the situation.
Then tge poem ends in tragedy , but not before a little unsettling irony. Eileen had a name. Suddenly she
Could be someone you know, and even worse, she had a routine. Not only that, but tonight she broke her
Routine, going out on a Thursday by chance, talk about wrong place at the wrong time. It could happen
To any poor soul, and that I think is the theme here. Very well written.

One thing. I could love this just as much with out the bit about the tea. It works fine and all,
I'm just not crazy about it. The other images had a more intense impact, then again less intense
Is probably what this poor girl had on the mind at the time

[brandontoh]

She just stepped out!
A pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air; -- The image is clear, but as a whole it's rather 'telling'. 
no sound came out, only a deep thud. -- This line, when read, feels a little like an oxymoron. Could be just me though.
Tights were torn at the knees
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control. -- The rest of the stanza reads nicely and feels like you're building up something more... exciting? =)
 
The phone box stunk of piss
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a gobbed on receiver, 
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.
Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident, Park road shops
no they don’t have fucking numbers
hurry please, she’s in pain. -- YES! EXCITEMENT! The tempo and the word choices here are good. I love the way the poem is progressing. If I were to nitpick, well, for the last 4 lines, you can try playing around with different words and punctuation to introduce the feeling of urgency and panic.
 
Her name was Eileen,
it was embroidered on the pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence,
twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday and she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her. -- It ends in a tragic fashion, and I like it. The first line can be just 'Eileen' though. I think that'll make it have more impact. Overall a good poem. Nice.

[Keith]

She just stepped out!
A pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air;
no sound came out, only a deep thud.
Tights were torn at the knees
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control.
 
The phone box stunk of piss
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a gobbed on receiver, 
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.
Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident, Park road shops
no they don’t have fucking numbers
hurry please, she’s in pain.
 
Her name was Eileen,
it was embroidered on the pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence,
twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday and she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her.

Wow. You certainly told a story here, and it had a powerful impact on me as a reader.
Okay so we start off with an abrupt exclamation, and it is in response to a terrible accident.
The Ford slammed on, at first it took me a second but it could mean slammed on the gas petal,
Or maybe the breaks to no avail. The image of nylon and tights make this woman feel young and beautiful
One thing I really love is that the whole description of the accident is scatter. It all happens so fast
I feel like it's a police report taken from a frantic loved one, but that adds to the sudden chaos of
What is happening. Your structure works well to reinforce the craziness of a tragedy like this.
then the phone booth. The narrator is now viewed as a loved one of the victim, which is grounds for
The explicit language. No. Nothing about this poem is mild, and in that situation I probably wouldn't
Want to look for the nearest adress number either. You did well in capturing that real aspect of the situation.
Then tge poem ends in tragedy , but not before a little unsettling irony. Eileen had a name. Suddenly she
Could be someone you know, and even worse, she had a routine. Not only that, but tonight she broke her
Routine, going out on a Thursday by chance, talk about wrong place at the wrong time. It could happen
To any poor soul, and that I think is the theme here. Very well written.

One thing. I could love this just as much with out the bit about the tea. It works fine and all,
I'm just not crazy about it. The other images had a more intense impact, then again less intense
Is probably what this poor girl had on the mind at the time

Thank you StanleyZ for your detailed reply you see it all and I really enjoy reading the readers take on a poem it helps me understand how certain words or phrases can impact the was something is read. I agree with you on the Tea line it is a bit bland but wanted it to show how people react in these situations. I will have a think for the edit. Best Keith

[Keith]

She just stepped out!
A pale blue Ford slammed on
sending her into the air; -- The image is clear, but as a whole it's rather 'telling'. 
no sound came out, only a deep thud. -- This line, when read, feels a little like an oxymoron. Could be just me though.
Tights were torn at the knees
blood darkened in the nylon.
Asking to go home for a cup of tea
I took it to be a good sign,
embarrassed because she’d lost control. -- The rest of the stanza reads nicely and feels like you're building up something more... exciting? =)
 
The phone box stunk of piss
handset half melted by some Zippo.
In the panic my lips touched
a gobbed on receiver, 
I thought of AIDS and swallowing spittoons.
Ambulance please,
there’s been an accident, Park road shops
no they don’t have fucking numbers
hurry please, she’s in pain. -- YES! EXCITEMENT! The tempo and the word choices here are good. I love the way the poem is progressing. If I were to nitpick, well, for the last 4 lines, you can try playing around with different words and punctuation to introduce the feeling of urgency and panic.
 
Her name was Eileen,
it was embroidered on the pink slippers
in which she shuffled to the perspex off licence,
twenty B&H and a half bottle of whiskey
every Friday night with sausage chips and gravy,
but this was a Thursday and she’d run out of milk
and I couldn't stop her. -- It ends in a tragic fashion, and I like it. The first line can be just 'Eileen' though. I think that'll make it have more impact. Overall a good poem. Nice.

Hi brandontoh good to see you posting again, and thank you for the feedback, I changed the oxymoron around a few times before posting, I was trying to say she didn't make a sound....I will have another look. I will also take just Eileen to open the last stanza so thank you for that, I will have a think about your other comments before going into the edit. Many thanks, Keith