haiku

[billy]

2nd edit
bluebottle on pizza
swatted -
who wants this slice

first edit

bluebottle on pizza
swatted -
i'm not hungry

original

bluebottle on pizza
fly swatter squashes it-
who wants this piece

[Magpie]

bluebottle on pizza
fly swatter squashes it-
who wants this piece

Interesting write Billy, I like it.
I think you could drop 'fly' from the second line and it wouldn't lose anything. I'm also thinking that if you were to change the second line round to read 'squashed by swatter-' then that would close down the time frame of events happening because as it is it reads like three separate moments where as using the 'squashed by swatter-' line puts the moment at the question. Although saying that it the second line could be interpreted as past tense.

Mark

[ellajam]

bluebottle on pizza
fly swatter squashes it-
who wants this piece

bluebottle on pizza
swatter
this one's yours

I like slice with swatter, and piece with pizza is nice too, the above is short. Lots of ways to go with this one, pretty funny, I see a spray of sauce coming up. Thanks for the giggle, good one.

[billy]

i like

squashed by swatter

and shall use it.. thanks for the input

bluebottle on pizza
fly swatter squashes it-
who wants this piece

Interesting write Billy, I like it.
I think you could drop 'fly' from the second line and it wouldn't lose anything. I'm also thinking that if you were to change the second line round to read 'squashed by swatter-' then that would close down the time frame of events happening because as it is it reads like three separate moments where as using the 'squashed by swatter-' line puts the moment at the question. Although saying that it the second line could be interpreted as past tense.

Mark

[billy]

i like what you did with it. i'll see if i can come up with something like.
thanks for the input

bluebottle on pizza
fly swatter squashes it-
who wants this piece

bluebottle on pizza
swatter
this one's yours

I like slice with swatter, and piece with pizza is nice too, the above is short. Lots of ways to go with this one, pretty funny, I see a spray of sauce coming up. Thanks for the giggle, good one.

[Magpie]

first edit

bluebottle on pizza
swatted -
i'm not hungry

original

bluebottle on pizza
fly swatter squashes it-
who wants this piece

I like the first part of the edit Billy, but I think it would be a shame to lose the humour that the first one had and to say 'i'm not hungry' doesn't imply that it's being offered up like the first one.
Mark

[billy]

i'll throw anther edit up, thanks for the imput

[billy]

the good thing about the short form poems is that they don't beat you up. someone makes a suggestion and it's easy to implement

[rayheinrich]

2nd edit:

bluebottle on pizza
swatted -
who wants this slice


Switching the 's' on the second line to a 't' would not only raise a subject,
it would introduce a problematic decision (for some of us) as well.

[billy]

can you show me please as my heads up my bottom trying to sort out other types of bug

[rayheinrich]

can you show me please as my heads up my bottom trying to sort out other types of bug

Can't show you, don't have the proper equipment.

[billy]

i get it and i like it;

twatted

[Mwaba don]

2nd edit
bluebottle on pizza
swatted -
who wants this slice

first edit

bluebottle on pizza
swatted -
i'm not hungry

original

bluebottle on pizza
fly swatter squashes it-
who wants this piece

I dont know why you keep changing your  lines, The one with slice sounds better for me.