Trinkets (first edit)

[Tiger the Lion]

I meant this to be a little staccato and hard to read, Thoughts welcome. 
Trinkets  first edit Billy, Merc, Keith
Week nights
I would head upstairs
at two minutes before seven,
 
turn on "Murder, She Wrote"
for my mother – her favourite show.
She would beam;
grateful for trinkets now.
 
Some nights
I'd go back down to my room
and sob.
Original
Week nights
I would head upstairs
two minutes before seven, and
 
turn on 'Murder She Wrote'
for my mother – her favourite show.
She would beam;
grateful of trinkets now.
 
Some nights
I'd go back down to my room
and sob.

[Tamara]

I meant this to be a little staccato and hard to read, Thoughts welcome. 
Trinkets

Week nights
I would head upstairs
two minutes before seven,
 
turn on 'Murder She Wrote'
for my mother – her favourite show.
She would beam;
grateful of trinkets now.
 
Some nights
I'd go back down to my room
and sob.


Well crafted with deft word choices that makes the emotions effective without being too dramatic. It's a cathartic write. Lines 3 & 4  in strophe 2 are ambiguous but then you need not give everything to the reader. it's always better to let the reader interpret the poem the way they want to.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you Tamara. I'm working on an edit that might solve some of the ambiguity. I'm rather pleased with the use of the word "sob". I tried to build around it. - Paul

[billy]

i really like the simplicity of the poem.
the feeling of sadness allows the reader to see some kind of illness in the old woman. just a couple of points below.

I meant this to be a little staccato and hard to read, Thoughts welcome. 
Trinkets
Week nights
I would head upstairs
two minutes before seven, and an [at] at the beginning would be better than [and] at the end
 
turn on 'Murder She Wrote'
for my mother – her favourite show.
She would beam;
grateful of trinkets now. trinkets feel like the wrong word. no need for [now]
 
Some nights
I'd go back down to my room
and sob.

[just mercedes]

Hi Paul - I'm puzzled by the use of 'grateful of' - surely the construction is 'grateful for'?

[Keith]

I meant this to be a little staccato and hard to read, Thoughts welcome. Why, if its hard to read then people don't read it ?
Trinkets
Week nights
I would head upstairs
two minutes before seven, and do you need and here
 
turn on 'Murder She Wrote'
for my mother – her favourite show.
She would beam;
grateful of trinkets now. is this act a trinket or something else ?
 
Some nights
I'd go back down to my room
and sob. this works very well, explains why she is grateful and changes tone for the reader.

Not crazy about the title or its link but I enjoyed the snap shot of family life and it is one many readers will be able to empathise with. Best Keith
Ps its not hard to read

[Tiger the Lion]

First edit posted, Thanks everyone. A few glitches though. Arghh.

[crow]

"Murder, She Wrote"

[Tiger the Lion]

"Murder, She Wrote"

You're right. Fixed, Thanks!