Curiosity

[Wjames]

Edit:


Magnifying glass in hand,
a child basks in the black heat
of his asphalt driveway.
 
Ants dart in military zig-zags
towards base, a pile of sand
in a crack on the sidewalk;
smoke rises from their graves.

Original:

Magnifying glass in hand,
the child basks in the black heat
of his driveways asphalt, enamoured
by the instinctual sophistication of the
ant colony at his feet.

[rowens]

This has the makings of something. It's good and final in its own way. But what more you could do with it is up to you. It could go on. And do you want the driveway to have the possessive sign on it?

[Snowbells]

Hi, Wjames;
I like this vignette that focuses on a child's fascination with marching ants at its feet. Please see my notes below. Jerry

Magnifying glass in hand,
the child basks in the black heat
of his driveways asphalt, enamoured (I would suggest, "intrigued" or "fascinated.")
by the instinctual sophistication of the ant [colony] at his feet. (Maybe ant swarm, because the actual ant colony would stay underground. I visualize a swarm of ants on a foraging expedition.)

[Bunx]

i really like what captured here. the imagery is quite clear as it opens a path to imagination. thanks alot for the post!

[Wjames]

Thanks, I'm glad you guys like it. I started writing this thinking I was going to have the kid kill an ant by mistake with the magnifying glass, but I couldn't write it in a way I liked. I like the way the first stanza I had stands alone though.

[Wjames]

I just dug up this older poem and made some changes to it; I think it's a little more interesting now.

[justcloudy]

Love the edit. Really do, it paints such a perfect picture. "asphalt driveway" was a good change, and the military + base were good additions.
Two little nits: I found "the child" a bit formal. Maybe consider "a child" or "the kid" or something. Also the line break in S2L2 could be improved upon.
Thanks for posting though, really lovely vignette.

[Wjames]

Love the edit. Really do, it paints such a perfect picture. "asphalt driveway" was a good change, and the military + base were good additions.
Two little nits: I found "the child" a bit formal. Maybe consider "a child" or "the kid" or something. Also the line break in S2L2 could be improved upon.
Thanks for posting though, really lovely vignette.

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I'm also kind of glad my computer broke (it was under warranty) as I've had to dig through lots of the old poems I posted a while back, and some of them were good ideas that I never fully fleshed out. I do like "a child" better than "the child", I'll make that edit, thanks.

How would you do the line breaks there? I can see how it gets a little disjointed, but I don't really like it like this (probably the most natural breaks) for some reason:

Ants dart in military zig-zags towards base,
a pile of sand in a crack on the sidewalk;
smoke rises from their graves.

[justcloudy]

Maybe:

Ants dart in military zig-zags
towards base, a pile
of sand in a crack on the sidewalk;
smoke rises from their graves.

or:

Ants dart in military zig-zags
towards base, a pile of sand
in a crack on the sidewalk;
smoke rises from their graves.

?

[Wjames]

Maybe:

Ants dart in military zig-zags
towards base, a pile
of sand in a crack on the sidewalk;
smoke rises from their graves.

or:

Ants dart in military zig-zags
towards base, a pile of sand
in a crack on the sidewalk;
smoke rises from their graves.

?

Yes, I definitely like the second one better; thank you very much!