Elephant Song

[Truerenigma]

They’re folding down the big-top tent
inside a dust-bowl desert fair
where elephants have come and went
and trod from here and back to there.
I rode the giant wheel back down
after I cleared the shimmering top
of that big tent where all around
its spotlights lit my gentle drop
from swirling winds and whirling stars
into a blending mass of clowns
who promised all the world was ours.
We melted back into the towns
and brought stuffed elephants along
to claim we won them for a song.

[faithlovedance22]

Love it! I like how your rhyming doesn't sound cliche, but it still makes it flow nicely. The only thing I would suggest would be to change went (third line down) to gone because it sounds a little strange, except then it doesn't rhyme with tent... so I'm not sure what to do about that one.

[Truerenigma]

yeah thanks. lines 3 and 4 are mostly filler i think.

[ellajam]

Hi, true, , I love a circus, one giant metaphor with so much room to play. I like the stress on elephants, who never forget, and the views from the big wheel.

L6: I am undecided if the attention drawn to "after" by the break in meter is warranted. At first I saw it as filler that could be replaced with something better but I've grown attached to its meaning. If that was intentional, well done, if not find something else.

My favorite part is L8-11.

I might prefer:

We melted back into the towns
and brought stuffed elephants along.
We claim we won them for a song.

That last line is so full of lies and truth it can stand alone, for me.

Thanks for posting it, a lovely read.

They’re folding down the big-top tent
inside a dust-bowl desert fair
where elephants have come and went
and trod from here and back to there.
I rode the giant wheel back down
after I cleared the shimmering top
of that big tent where all around
its spotlights lit my gentle drop
from swirling winds and whirling stars
into a blending mass of clowns
who promised all the world was ours.
We melted back into the towns
and brought stuffed elephants along
to claim we won them for a song.

[Pyxx]

They’re folding down the big-top tent
inside a dust-bowl desert fair
where elephants have come and went
and trod from here and back to there.
I rode the giant wheel back down
after I cleared the shimmering top
of that big tent where all around
its spotlights lit my gentle drop
from swirling winds and whirling stars
into a blending mass of clowns
who promised all the world was ours.
We melted back into the towns
and brought stuffed elephants along
to claim we won them for a song.

A visceral read. I can almost feel the spin of the ferris wheel and hear the cacophony of carnival sounds, it is interesting that while this work appears to be a celebration, there is also something quite melancholy about it.

from swirling winds and whirling stars
into a blending mass of clowns
who promised all the world was ours.

I think I'm getting a little dizzy from reading this, honestly I'm trying to find fault in your use of past and present tense...its all good. I think the use of comma's could come into play here, pun intended ^_^