world cage

[Viktor Vaughn]

i'm like a wasp that's flown
into the room

a room is just a box


no wonder i'm afraid

[Blu]

This poem is simple yet intriguing.

I am curious as to why you chose a wasp of all things to fly into the room.
Is there anything else that connects you with the wasp in this situation? This might add more depth to your poem.

[tectak]

i'm like a wasp that's flown
into the room

a room is just a box


no wonder i'm afraid

Hello victor. Moved to shortform for more applicable crit.
Mod.

[Erthona]

I have no idea. I see no corollary between the first part and the last line.

However, "the room" should probably be "a room", unless you wish to define what room you are specifically referring to.

dale

[Viktor Vaughn]

Blu: inspired in part because of a wasp that had flown into my room a few weeks ago. As for what it means, well I have my own opinions on why I used a wasp. I'm interested to hear yours :p

tectak: cheers mate, for some reason I didn't know this sub-forum existed

Erthona: by using 'the room' initially, I was hoping to create a clear, specific image. It's not just any room, it's the room. But the reason why I left the room specificless (not a word but whatever) is because it could be any room. Extending the analogy, if the room to a wasp is like a box, then was is the world to a person? That was the idea I was hoping to get across.

I've not ever done a short form poem before, so thanks for the insights!

[billy]

i think the two analogies are too far apart to be comparable. maybe house is to man as room is to wasp.

[Mwaba don]

i'm like a wasp that's flown
into the room

a room is just a box


no wonder I'm afraid

Nice perception on the third line. But does it mean? Are you saying that, It is a cage? why are you scared of the empty room?