Haibun for a Black Cat

[Magpie]

(thank you to Justcloudy and Holly)

Black cat, unable to suppress the panther within, from the moment that I first watched you casually stroll across my garden I knew that you were a different kind of feline altogether. With one nonchalant glance you left me in no doubt that any casualties caused by you was ultimately my fault. It was me who invited the birds into the garden with offers of food and it was my decision to plant the New Zealand fern in close proximity to the bird table inadvertently  providing you with excellent cover for an ambush. Over the next few weeks you demonstrated to me your jungle ways with great efficiency, clinical kills from various positions and the ability to always remain calm; regardless of the situation. So when, from inside my house I heard the all too familiar cacophony of squawks, squeals and scuffling coming from the garden, I walked outside knowing you had struck again.

fresh kill
lying at the cat's feet -
a red poppy

[just mercedes]

This works for me! I like the poppy/blood link, which brings in war.

[Magpie]

This works for me! I like the poppy/blood link, which brings in war.

Hi JM, thanks for the comments. Although the poppy/blood reference wasn't intentional I was aware that it was there. This haibun is one of those true story poems, so this did actually happen and the cat did actually did fell a poppy in its efforts to kill a bird.
I suppose my intention was for the haiku to be a twist that veered away from what looks like the ending will inevitably be. But in retrospect I can see why it would be read first as a metaphor.
I may rethink it...
Thanks again for the comments,
Mark

[justcloudy]

Hey Mark

Reading your reply to JM and learning that the red poppy was exactly that caught me off guard, I like it better metaphorically and almost wish I hadn't known that. ;D I'm far from being a haibun or a haiku expert, but this flowed well, caught my attention (loved the first line) and was fun to read.

In this line: "clinical kills from various positions and the ability to never seem in the least bit flustered; regardless of the situation." I love the clinical kills part but the rest seems rather sexual which threw me off, but really that may just be me.

Also, in the last line you don't need "that".

Thanks for the read!

-justcloudy

[Magpie]

Hey Mark

Reading your reply to JM and learning that the red poppy was exactly that caught me off guard, I like it better metaphorically and almost wish I hadn't known that. ;D I'm far from being a haibun or a haiku expert, but this flowed well, caught my attention (loved the first line) and was fun to read.

In this line: "clinical kills from various positions and the ability to never seem in the least bit flustered; regardless of the situation." I love the clinical kills part but the rest seems rather sexual which threw me off, but really that may just be me.

Also, in the last line you don't need "that".

Thanks for the read!

-justcloudy

Hey Justcloudy,

Thanks for the comments, sorry if I spoilt it by revealing that it actually happened. I am fine with it being read as a metaphor, I was just starting to think that perhaps it may be classed as a cliche as regards metaphors, but I'm ok with it now.
Also I've changed the 'flustered' line so it isn't open to other interpretations, thanks for pointing that out and "that" on the last line.
Thanks again for the comments and apologies for the time it took for me to reply, my internet connection has been wandering a lot recently.

Mark

[justcloudy]

Happy to be of help. But that "flustered" bit really was probably just my dirty mind. ;p
Btw I live in Morocco so I totally get the shit internet thing. It took me about seven minutes of (im)patiently waiting for my internet to come back in order to post this reply.

[Heartafire]

Hi Mark, I'm not following you, don't be afraid.  Actually I have forgotten how to post here but here goes.

Black cat, unable to suppress the panther within, I knew from the moment that I first watched you casually stroll across my garden that you were a different kind of feline altogether. With one nonchalant glance you left me in no doubt that any casualties caused by yourself were ultimately my fault. It was me who invited the birds into the garden with offers of food and it was my decision to plant the New Zealand fern in close proximity to the bird table inadvertently  providing you with excellent cover for an ambush. Over the next few weeks you demonstrated to me your jungle ways with great efficiency, clinical kills from various positions and the ability to always remain calm; regardless of the situation. So when, from inside my house I heard the all too familiar cacophony of squawks, squeals and scuffling coming from the garden, I walked outside knowing you had struck again.

 
This is marvelous, I love it! I might follow "garden" with  "I knew" and drop it in the first line and perhaps use you rather than "yourself" in l3; was instead of were.   I adore this light and amusing piece of delightful short prose, you really have a wonderful gift of expression that makes me smile.  Your haiku is one of the best I have read, it's really special. Please ignore my input at will :-)
Heart

[Magpie]

Hi Mark, I'm not following you, don't be afraid.  Actually I have forgotten how to post here but here goes.

Black cat, unable to suppress the panther within, I knew from the moment that I first watched you casually stroll across my garden that you were a different kind of feline altogether. With one nonchalant glance you left me in no doubt that any casualties caused by yourself were ultimately my fault. It was me who invited the birds into the garden with offers of food and it was my decision to plant the New Zealand fern in close proximity to the bird table inadvertently  providing you with excellent cover for an ambush. Over the next few weeks you demonstrated to me your jungle ways with great efficiency, clinical kills from various positions and the ability to always remain calm; regardless of the situation. So when, from inside my house I heard the all too familiar cacophony of squawks, squeals and scuffling coming from the garden, I walked outside knowing you had struck again.

 
This is marvelous, I love it! I might follow "garden" with  "I knew" and drop it in the first line and perhaps use you rather than "yourself" in l3; was instead of were.   I adore this light and amusing piece of delightful short prose, you really have a wonderful gift of expression that makes me smile.  Your haiku is one of the best I have read, it's really special. Please ignore my input at will :-)
Heart

Hi Holly, I'm sure you are following me   or the black cat or perhaps the poppy. It's good to see you here.
I agree entirely with all of your suggestions regarding the prose and have edited accordingly and it does read a lot smoother. Thank you for the kind words and suggestions for edits.
Take care,
Mark