09-01-2014, 12:51 PM
On Lyrics, Appendix A: An Example
--if this were bona fide crit, I'd dig deeper. But it's not.
--This is an example of what good lyrics crit should look like. The lyrics are from azlyrics.com, and I'm imagining, without basis, that Adele posted the following on pigpen:
----
"Set Fire To The Rain"
I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better
'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.
[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!
Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn
----
The edit might go as follows:
Adele--
General remarks:
First, no colons in your flags. It's [Chorus] not [Chorus:].
Second, mind your punctuation. It's sloppy throughout. I've made corrections where necessary, but it was time that could've been better spent. Note that the corrections are not set off by brackets.
Third, you've got two choruses. Label accordingly as [Chorus 1] and [Chorus 2], as shown below.
"[I] Set Fire To The Rain"
[Verse]
--The lack of an initial flag colors my edit throughout. It makes me think the writing will be sub-pro. You MUST open w a flag!
I let it fall, my heart,
And, as it fell, you rose to claim it.
--a bit too abstract? Try: "I let it fall, my heart / and that's how you were able to claim it," for instance
It was dark, and I was over
--"It"? Super ambiguous. Is that by design?
Until you kissed my lips, and you saved me.
My hands, they're strong,
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet.
But there's a side to you
That I never knew (never knew):
--echoes take parens
All the things you'd say?
They were never true (never true),
And the games you play?
--you or you'd?
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face.
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name (your name)!
[Verse]
--the (former, now corrected) absence of this flag is hard to forgive
When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better
--this stanza is weak on three accounts. First, it fails to contribute to your narrative or theme. It's like you ctrl+v'd a stanza from a different song. Second, the verb tenses are confusing. The lack of a homed-in-on place causes me to feel confused, and I have trouble engaging. Third, the core strangeness is "what does setting fire to rain" mean?
----let me be direct: the chorus is damn near perfect, but the verses are loose. You can get away with this, but you shouldn't. Give me verses that justify the chorus, or there's a huge MO here.
'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, (never knew)
All the things you'd say?
They were never true (never true).
And the games you'd play?
You would always win (always win).
--again, this borders on atmospheric. If you're going for that cool, push it further with stronger imagery. If not, sharpen your narrative
[Chorus]
--no need to include exactly repeated words
[Chorus]
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames.
When it [antecedent?] fell, something died [huh?]
'Cause I knew that that [that what?] was the last time (the last time)!
--???
--the variation here introduces confusion without reward. Why not just go for another repeater?
[Bridge]
--please flag!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
--what door? No need to introduce a new motif so late into the song
--try: sometimes I wake up like before
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
--???
Even now, when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.
--this is poorly constructed
----try "I can't keep myself . . ."
[Chorus 1]
[Chorus 2]
[Outro]
Oh, noooo
--no need for the multiple o's
Let it burn! Oh!
Let it burn!
Let it burn!
--if this were bona fide crit, I'd dig deeper. But it's not.
--This is an example of what good lyrics crit should look like. The lyrics are from azlyrics.com, and I'm imagining, without basis, that Adele posted the following on pigpen:
----
"Set Fire To The Rain"
I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me
My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak,
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet
But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better
'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you'd play
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.
[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
When it fell, something died
'Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time, ohhhh!
Oh noooo
Let it burn, oh
Let it burn
Let it burn
----
The edit might go as follows:
Adele--
General remarks:
First, no colons in your flags. It's [Chorus] not [Chorus:].
Second, mind your punctuation. It's sloppy throughout. I've made corrections where necessary, but it was time that could've been better spent. Note that the corrections are not set off by brackets.
Third, you've got two choruses. Label accordingly as [Chorus 1] and [Chorus 2], as shown below.
"[I] Set Fire To The Rain"
[Verse]
--The lack of an initial flag colors my edit throughout. It makes me think the writing will be sub-pro. You MUST open w a flag!
I let it fall, my heart,
And, as it fell, you rose to claim it.
--a bit too abstract? Try: "I let it fall, my heart / and that's how you were able to claim it," for instance
It was dark, and I was over
--"It"? Super ambiguous. Is that by design?
Until you kissed my lips, and you saved me.
My hands, they're strong,
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet.
But there's a side to you
That I never knew (never knew):
--echoes take parens
All the things you'd say?
They were never true (never true),
And the games you play?
--you or you'd?
You would always win, always win.
[Chorus]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face.
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name (your name)!
[Verse]
--the (former, now corrected) absence of this flag is hard to forgive
When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better
--this stanza is weak on three accounts. First, it fails to contribute to your narrative or theme. It's like you ctrl+v'd a stanza from a different song. Second, the verb tenses are confusing. The lack of a homed-in-on place causes me to feel confused, and I have trouble engaging. Third, the core strangeness is "what does setting fire to rain" mean?
----let me be direct: the chorus is damn near perfect, but the verses are loose. You can get away with this, but you shouldn't. Give me verses that justify the chorus, or there's a huge MO here.
'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, (never knew)
All the things you'd say?
They were never true (never true).
And the games you'd play?
You would always win (always win).
--again, this borders on atmospheric. If you're going for that cool, push it further with stronger imagery. If not, sharpen your narrative
[Chorus]
--no need to include exactly repeated words
[Chorus]
I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames.
When it [antecedent?] fell, something died [huh?]
'Cause I knew that that [that what?] was the last time (the last time)!
--???
--the variation here introduces confusion without reward. Why not just go for another repeater?
[Bridge]
--please flag!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
--what door? No need to introduce a new motif so late into the song
--try: sometimes I wake up like before
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
--???
Even now, when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.
--this is poorly constructed
----try "I can't keep myself . . ."
[Chorus 1]
[Chorus 2]
[Outro]
Oh, noooo
--no need for the multiple o's
Let it burn! Oh!
Let it burn!
Let it burn!
A yak is normal.