shedding-- edit 1

[justcloudy]

edit 1 thanks Danny, Helsopian, billy

Unforgiving moments of oublie
rip corners off my sense of self
and paper-like they glide away.

Chalk in hand, I remember
a student can play teacher, so feel
for my bouncing pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic chairs for plush.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
dissipating dreams more familiar
than my hallway hung with paintings.

I don’t recognize the mound of hair and flesh
sprawled across my queen sized bed for one.

The tap rushes to clean me in vain.
The mirror eyes me.
Water drips from her forehead, like mine
but she looks older, prettier, more composed
at 3am than I feel on the best days.

I rush back to linger inside dreamland
where glue can repair tears.



original
Unforgiving moments of oublie
rip corners off my sense of self.

Chalk in hand, I remember students
can play teacher, so feel for pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic for plush.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
my dissipating dream more familiar
than the hallway hung with my paintings.

I don’t register the other body sprawled on my bed.

Tap rushes to clean in vain, as the mirror eyes me.
Water drips from her forehead, like mine.
But she looks more composed at 3am
than I feel on the best of days.

I rush to reenter dreamland
where reality agrees with me.

[danny_]

Unforgiving moments of oublie | odd word
rip corners off my sense of self. | neat phrase but don't understand

Chalk in hand, I remember students
can play teacher, so feel for pigtails, | chalk and then feel for pigtails? what's going on?
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic for plush.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting, | i like that line
my dissipating dream more familiar | good word, dissipating
than the hallway hung with my paintings. | maybe not more "familiar" but more present or more real at this moment

I don’t register the other body sprawled on my bed. | say with less words and/or break the line? if you don't register, then you don't know it's there to mention at all. maybe mention it in the morning, or as a lump in the sheets you briefly consider before passing out. it's not "other" body until your body is there

Tap rushes to clean in vain, as the mirror eyes me. | tap doesn't clean all by itself. i like "tap rushes" but the water and you do the cleaning. break the line before mentioning the mirror. i know what you're trying to say but need to clarify the action of staring at yourself while cleaning your face
Water drips from her forehead, like mine. | a little odd but works
But she looks more composed at 3am
than I feel on the best of days.

I rush to reenter dreamland
where reality agrees with me. | don't understand last line, maybe where "everything" agrees or "life" agrees, cause i don't think it's reality in dreamland

these are just my shortcomings with the poem. i think i really like the visual that's trying to be expressed. i like the direction you're going. don't know exactly what the poem is about except i get a little window into a few clear moments that i like.

[heslopian]

A sweet, gentle and rather old fashioned ode to melancholy, dissatisfaction and the power of dreams. It took me a couple of reads to firmly establish the narrative in my head, but I think I've got it now. The dream sequence that makes up verse 2 seems comprised of familiar images (teachers, blackboards etc.) and cosy turns of phrase ("I remember students/can play teacher"), which neatly and subtly evokes the comforting nature of the dreams, which are then contrasted with stark reality, as represented by clinical terms like "bladder". All in all, a tidy, well-arranged and moving poetic narrative. Thank you for the read

[justcloudy]

Thanks Danny. I often think what I'm writing is clear, but then other readers like you bring me back to reality and remind me the rest of you aren't also in my head. I'll take your comments into consideration, thanks for taking the time.

Heslopian, I appreciate your take-- you made me see some things I hadn't before, and I love a new perspective. Will keep your read in mind for an edit. Thanks much.

-justcloudy

[billy]

dreams can be so fickle. this works on a couple of levels, the dreaming and the groggy getting up for the piss. i like the 2nd stanza but feel it could be better laid out. yo have some specifics in there and it's just enough to get the the trying to recall part of the poem across i love the french word in the first line.

thanks for the read, after reading it a couple of times i liked it more.

Unforgiving moments of oublie i had to google and was rewarded. i shall keep the word for later use.
rip corners off my sense of self.

Chalk in hand, I remember students would [student] work better on the next line ; [for pigtails] on the one below where it is ?
can play teacher, so feel for pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic for plush.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
my dissipating dream more familiar
than the hallway hung with my paintings. good capture of being semi lucid after waking

I don’t register the other body sprawled on my bed.

Tap rushes to clean in vain, as the mirror eyes me. tap rushes feels a bit forced to me, i'd go with {the tap ru....)
Water drips from her forehead, like mine.
But she looks more composed at 3am
than I feel on the best of days.

I rush to reenter dreamland
where reality agrees with me. i think most have done , sadly i never get back into the same dream

[justcloudy]

Thanks billy for the read and the suggestions, especially re the second bit. Glad you liked oublie, I had it in English at first but thought it was so much better in French, and hopefully not too pretentious in this case. ^__^

-jc

[billy]

not often but sometimes it's enjoyable when you have to google something. at first i thought it was a french prison

[danny_]

"Chalk in hand, I remember
a student can play teacher, so feel"

this throws me because i don't see the logic. maybe you can help me, it might be my fault. why does remembering a student can play teacher mean you feel for pigtails? the "so" is what stumbles me. what is related about playing teacher and feeling pigtails?

"mound of hair and flesh" sounds a little scary. *eerie noise plays in background*

overall i don't quite follow the poem, even though i like it. i understand it's a dream and there are memories, and the images you use are good. are you having a lucid dream? are you seeing yourself in your bed? if you would explain what's going on, then i will either realize i'm slow or suggest some further edits.

[makeshift]

I enjoyed this, it captures something familiar that is hard to express. Its kinda sad also. This whole poem felt like a deep blue 2 me. thanks for sharing ^^

edit 1 thanks Danny, Helsopian, billy

Unforgiving moments of oublie im with billy in google camp, but I am also digging this word
rip corners off my sense of self
and paper-like they glide away. I like how paper here also relates to the ripping

Chalk in hand, I remember
a student can play teacher, so feel
for my bouncing pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic chairs for plush. This stanza dosnt entirely make sense to me, but dreams don't make sense so I think that is good lol The last three lines I understand as you waking up. The plastic to plush is nice, I could feel the textures.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
dissipating dreams more familiar
than my hallway hung with paintings. The dissipating dreams works real well, like the dreams are washing over the hallway

I don’t recognize the mound of hair and flesh
sprawled across my queen sized bed for one. This stanza does throw me off a bit, because I see you now in the hallway not the bedroom. At first I read it as there being some one in your bed you don't recognize, but the next stanza with the mirror business makes me wonder if your not viewing your self in some weird out of body voyeurism. Either way, I like the image.

The tap rushes to clean me in vain.
The mirror eyes me.
Water drips from her forehead, like mine The personification of the mirror is real interesting, I like it.
but she looks older, prettier, more composed
at 3am than I feel on the best days.

I rush back to linger inside dreamland
where glue can repair tears. I think this ending gets the idea across a lot clearer then the original , but glue doesn't seem right. I'm not sure what would work better, maybe something more intrinsic to dreamland IDK.

[billy]

a good solid edit jc. mainly the changes work. i wasn't enamored by the last line as it feels tacked on, personally i don't think it's needed.

edit 1 thanks Danny, Helsopian, billy

Unforgiving moments of oublie
rip corners off my sense of self
and paper-like they glide away.

Chalk in hand, I remember
a student can play teacher, so feel
for my bouncing pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic chairs for plush. this reads much better and makes it more accessible.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
dissipating dreams more familiar
than my hallway hung with paintings.

I don’t recognize the mound of hair and flesh
sprawled across my queen sized bed for one. is [for one needed] i say this because there's no [for two]

The tap rushes to clean me in vain.
The mirror eyes me.
Water drips from her forehead, like mine
but she looks older, prettier, more composed
at 3am than I feel on the best days.

I rush back to linger inside dreamland
where glue can repair tears.



original
Unforgiving moments of oublie
rip corners off my sense of self.

Chalk in hand, I remember students
can play teacher, so feel for pigtails,
not recalling when I switched
hard plastic for plush.

At night I stagger up with bladder bursting,
my dissipating dream more familiar
than the hallway hung with my paintings.

I don’t register the other body sprawled on my bed.

Tap rushes to clean in vain, as the mirror eyes me.
Water drips from her forehead, like mine.
But she looks more composed at 3am
than I feel on the best of days.

I rush to reenter dreamland
where reality agrees with me.

[justcloudy]

danny I PMed you but thanks again for the comments.

makeshift you've brought up some points worth considering for sure, (esp about the bed/body part) thank you for taking the time. I agree with your glue comment--I was trying to find something better and couldn't, but I'll think on it.

And billy thanks for taking another look. (Btw the "for one" meaning for one person, but I take your point.)

[ellajam]

Hi, JC, welcome back. Late to the comment but I've been enjoying this. Good work on the edit, thoughtful breaks. My only suggestion is the possibility of paste instead of glue, it brings me back to the pigtails.

Thanks for the interesting read.