soul juice

[poe]

(for Lazer)


What turns me on is soul juice.
No, I don't need no excuse.
Some people think that I'm just loose.
To love you is my greatest truth.
They try to break us up, but
Its no use.
As if I had a loose tooth.
Loving you, you know is ruth.
'Cause what you've got is soul juice.

[bob68]

Hello, I think you have an idea here, but it's lacking in delivery. It comes off as rather trite the way it stands now. I would suggest dropping the rhymes for starters. A few nice juicy verbs here and there wouldn't hurt either. I know it's hard. I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but you need to dig deeper to mine that gem. All the best, Bob--

[poe]

Thanks, Bob68