First Date

[Wjames]

Edit 1:

I squeezed conversation out
like near empty toothpaste;
coarse, uneven, and not enough.

Her steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.


Original:

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste;
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words,
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes.

The steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

[UberWilhelm]

Hi Wjames.

First off, nice subject. Who hasn't been on that awkward first date that made you want to run out screaming. One thing I do not understand is the last stanza with you as the cow and she making the first cut. Is that a good thing? Was she cutting the tension of the moment by speaking or was it a bad thing, did she cut down your confidence with some painful quip? It's kind of ambiguous (not that that is a bad thing) but it leaves me sort of confused as to the attitude of the poem, is it good or bad.

[makeshift]

I could feel the discomfort of this date > . <

I like how you start the poem, the simile feels really authentic to a kinda stunted conversation you'd have on a first date. Squeeze is good because of the effort, and dried toothpaste has so many unpleasant connotations with the smell/texture.

The OCD in me wants the second stanza to be three lines, especially since the lines in that stanza are already longer then your other lines. Really Stanza two is the weakest stanza for me. I'd almost suggest cutting it but I do think its worthwhile to expand on the occasion a bit b4 stanza three. " I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes." seems too simply stated, against the metaphors/similes in the poem.

I think stanza three has a great image with the steak, I imagine a medium rare steak with the red liquid filling around the indentation of a knife slicing into it. There is a lot of tension in that stanza. Maybe its a bit ambiguous idk??? I think of it has either she is cutting into the narrator, meaning, that she is asking a more personal or invasive question, and that makes them uncomfortable. Or its not that specific and she has just said something that somehow hurts the narrator.

But yeah,,, its a relatable poem, and you get a lot of feelings across while maintaining brevity. Thnx for sharing.

[ajcohen613]

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste; interesting metaphor..though I will say that the silence/mention of noise alongside the toothpaste metaphor is a little odd.
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words,
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes. I like these two lines; straightforward and honest.

The steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut. I like the movement from the steak to you betwixt all the painfulness of the date and attempts to break the awkwardness. In situations like this, we might as well be rare steak: questionably cooked, barely seasoned and tough to chew. Good job, just tweak it a bit and you have something quite nice.

[cjchaffin]

hi W. this is a neat little snapshot of a much bigger story. i like that you kept it simple.
i have a few suggestions to use or lose, as always, but overall i found this really enticing and easy to read:

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste; use a comma instead of a semi-colon, as these are not both independent clauses
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words,
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes. cliché...i think you can say this differently, in a fresher way, and still retain the meaning. it would also serve to bolster the middle of your poem, which is the weakest section and could use propping up since you start and end so well

The steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut. i love the ending. brutal, but honest. and it works well in this scenario

[billy]

not too bad, i felt it a little wordy in places but on the whole i enjoyed the silence and frustration within it.

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste; is there such a thing as empty toothpaste?
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words, seemed is often unnecessary i think it is here, the two as's also feel a little awkward, a suggestion would be to lose the first [as] and change the second [as] for [like]
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes.

The steak was bleeding raw, not shore if raw adds anything, raw/rare steak is a known bleeder already.
and I felt I was the cow [like the cow] would get rid of i was
as she made the first cut. a decent finish that captures the crux of the poem. it shows us first dates can be painful

[Anonymous]

I squeezed conversation out
like the last of my toothpaste,
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words, hahahaha. maybe change words to jokes? that's up to you though
and I avoided meeting her eyes.

The steak was dripping with blood,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut. epic ending

this was hilarious and creative !

[danny_]

LOL this is awesome, perfect, don't need to change.

apologies for replying to feedback, overlooked it in the rules.

but let me ask you something. when toothpaste is 99% empty it might as well be empty, right? so you are squeezing the last bit of the empty toothpaste. it works. don't need to get too technical (billy that's the only time i ever didn't really like your feedbacks, they are generally awesome. )

[billy]

i'm fine with people liking or disliking my feedback; agreeing or disagreeing with any feedback but the idea is to comment on the poem and not the feedback :J: (start discussion in the pig's arse or the poetry discussion forum by all means but ideally in the crit forums we just give feedback. please don't reply here as it's for feedback :J:

[ChristopherSea]

Hey danny, the rules clearly state that you are to comment on the poem. We should not critique other folks feedback. Critique the poem through your eyes and keep your opinions of other's comments to yourself. The most inhibitory factor to giving excellent feedback is having another member debate yours. Let the author of the poem decide which reviewer they side with. I don't bother reading other comments when I decide to review a poem. However, I weigh all comments on my own work. Cheers/Chris

PS: So as not to high-jack the thread, my critique is below.
-----------------------------------------
First Date

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste;
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words,
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes.

The steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

WJames, I like the opening simile, but 'agonizing over every silence' seems off. Perhaps, 'agonizing through each silent moment' or something like it would capture the implied multiple mute moments.

Also, 'bleeding raw' has a similar odd syntax. I am not certain if you are maintaining a strict syllable count or meter, but, '...was bleeding, raw' or '...raw, bleeding' may suffice and not disturb your meter.

See what you think./Chris

[bob68]

Hey danny, the rules clearly state that you are to comment on the poem. We should not critique other folks feedback. Critique the poem through your eyes and keep your opinions of other's comments to yourself. The most inhibitory factor to giving excellent feedback is having another member debate yours. Let the author of the poem decide which reviewer they side with. I don't bother reading other comments when I decide to review a poem. However, I weigh all comments on my own work. Cheers/Chris

PS: So as not to high-jack the thread, my critique is below.
-----------------------------------------
First Date

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste;
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words,
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes.

The steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

WJames, I like the opening simile, but 'agonizing over every silence' seems off. Perhaps, 'agonizing through each silent moment' or something like it would capture the implied multiple mute moments.

Also, 'bleeding raw' has a similar odd syntax. I am not certain if you are maintaining a strict syllable count or meter, but, '...was bleeding, raw' or '...raw, bleeding' may suffice and not disturb your meter.

See what you think./Chris

Interesting piece. Here are a few teaks. See if this makes more sense. Nice piece you have here. The other stanzas are pretty goon IMO.

I squeezed conversation out
like emptying toothpaste,
agonizing over the silence.

[ChristopherSea]

On a second read I am thinking:

'Her steak....'

or

'Her raw steak was bleeding...'

[Wjames]

Thanks for all the responses guys, sorry its taken me so long to respond, my computer broke and I've been inhumanely busy with work and getting ready to go to school. I've got a lot of poems I need to work on, this one probably needs the least attention (or maybe the most, since I like this one the most). Once I get back to school and things quiet down a bit I'm gonna start hacking away at them.

So far for this poem, I think the "agonizing over every silence" bit, as well as the middle stanza could definitely be improved, and perhaps cutting "raw" from the last stanza.

Chris, I originally wrote the final stanza using "her", but I use it twice in the middle stanza, so I changed it to the. If I end up doing away with the middle stanza for something else, I'll probably use "her" in the last stanza.

Thanks again everyone

[71degrees]

I squeezed conversation out
like empty toothpaste;
agonizing over every silence.

Her smile seemed as forced as my words,
and I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes.

The steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

I love the poem but for the life of me cannot figure out what "empty toothpaste" is. Toothpaste tube, maybe. But not toothpaste.

I'd get rid of the second stanza. Doesn't add much. You're telling me things instead of showing me.

The third stanza is brilliant. I laughed. Don't change a word.

71degrees

[tectak]

Ohhh, nicely done!!! I really am speechless at the honesty of this one.

As you appreciate honesty and I am not speechless, I should warn you that very little of your "critiques" are of any value to the posters. You may well be a troll who has fallen on hard times...I hope not....but you risk deletion of all your trivial comments. Please give valid critique. This is a warning. Other mods may take unilateral action.
Mod

[cidermaid]

Hi Wjames

I want to say first off that I do really like this, because I need to say that as unfortunatly I do not share the enthusiasm of the others and seem to be flying against the wind here.
I love the theme / subject. Think the overall take on the subject has been well handled
BUT...thought that every verse boardered on cliche for me.
Each of your pictures were part of everyday imagery for me. Squeezing conversation out like the last bit of toothpast is perhaps top of my list, closely followed by an image of forced smile / words. Even the raw steak lines were overly familiar.

So I have not offered a line by line because I would find myself commenting on every line with the same comment and i don't want to do this because having said all of the above...I do still really like this one....so sorry no really objective or targeted crit beyond those thoughts.

AJ.

[Wjames]

I just made an edit based on your guys feedback and my thoughts on the poem. I like the first stanza a little better now; I don't like the way it sounds with tube, because you don't squeeze out the tube, you squeeze out the toothpaste. The second stanza was a little weak after sitting on it awhile, I'm going to try and write another sort of bridge stanza, but I haven't been able to think of anything I like yet. It might be stronger with the old second stanza in it right now (I'd like some others thoughts in case I can't think of anything better), but I'm just going to cut it to motivate me to write a new one. I like the last stanza pretty much as is for now (with her instead of the). Thanks everyone, your thoughts are much appreciated.