Inside the mind of a puppy (My first poem)

[UberWilhelm]

Hi all.

I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry. Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn. Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near

Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!

[tectak]

Hi all.

I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry. Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn. Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize Period. Dog or not
You fly through the air gently, now falling Period. Biscuit if you do
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies Tight ryhme and syllable count but some stumbling on soar/ING.Clever dog. Now read Leanne's "Basic Meter" advice.

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight. Oh come on. Punctuate, pup or I will not walk you. I can say that, as you obviously understand the concept of the arrow of time. Remarkable in one so young. You count syllables, too...but you need to understand emphases.Plenty of help on this site.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear Oh hell. A sentient ball. Whatever next.
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near Got it. If there are too many syllables in a line, leave out (a) word.

Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!

Hello,
Welcome. First of all, I suggest that you write someting else whilst your creative tide is on the rise. You will find a reticence from the crits to comment on this genre....and it is a genre with a standard list of problems which are tiredly rolled out until boredom overtakes.
To give the main reason why the thing fails you MUST realise that by using "words" you are already giving a reality beyond reason or acceptance to the "thinking" of a puppy...it is made more incongruous by the use of cliches and way-out concepts so far beyond the wildest "imaginings" of a young dog (or cat, tortoise, rabbit, giraffe) that one can only nod kindly at the content. So what we have here is a guy (you) pretending to be a puppy but without the mind of a puppy, then trying to write the "thoughts" which you, not the puppy, think that a puppy might have if it was a puppy blessed with vocabulary, nuance and cliche, conceptual thinking etc. As
I said...best forget it. Be a goldfish...here, I have written the first verse.
!
?
?
!
Tell me I am wrong.
Best,
tectak
By the by...I have tried this sort of thing. I failed.

[billy]

try and use as least small words as you can or rearrange so the don't feel like shots from a pentametric gun; two coma's in a line can have that effect
the meter is almost okay it just feels a little forced, you have lots of cliche phrases. (phrases that have been used numerous times by others) if you've heard a phrase the odds are so has everyone else. try and be original at all times. once you get to that stage you can introduce cliche as a device.
if you give intelligence to an animal, (speech) make it distinct, give it some character. he could call the chewed ball a [gnarly old bastard) so watch out for cliche and try not to force a line in order to fit the meter, find words that really add something (you won't be able to do it all the time but most of the time would be good enough.

Hi all.

I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry. Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn. Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize cliched latter part
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near

Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!

[UberWilhelm]

Howdy and thanks for taking the time to read it and write some advice. Punctuation is something I have to admit I have a hard time with when it comes to poems. For some reason I just can't seem to pick up on where it should go. I find it extremely hard to write something that doesn't include a cliche simply because it feel like everything has been used before. LOL I appreciate the advice and I will try to heed it in the future. I do have a handful of other poems that I will post (one at a time of course) so I hope they get better. Thanks again.

[tectak]

Howdy and thanks for taking the time to read it and write some advice. Punctuation is something I have to admit I have a hard time with when it comes to poems. For some reason I just can't seem to pick up on where it should go. I find it extremely hard to write something that doesn't include a cliche simply because it feel like everything has been used before. LOL I appreciate the advice and I will try to heed it in the future. I do have a handful of other poems that I will post (one at a time of course) so I hope they get better. Thanks again.

Good egg,
tectak

[billy]

Howdy and thanks for taking the time to read it and write some advice. Punctuation is something I have to admit I have a hard time with when it comes to poems. For some reason I just can't seem to pick up on where it should go. I find it extremely hard to write something that doesn't include a cliche simply because it feel like everything has been used before. LOL I appreciate the advice and I will try to heed it in the future. I do have a handful of other poems that I will post (one at a time of course) so I hope they get better. Thanks again.

all we ask is that you're as dilligent with feedback

you're a good example of how to accept feedback

[Bleumeon]

Hi all.

I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry. Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn. Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near

Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!

I notice that you're trying to do an ABAB rhyme scheme, but do to the varied lengths of the lines and the flow of each one, though you intend to rhyme I don't really feel any connection. I would try to minimize each line as much as possible and avoid unnecessary flair that can take away from the poem. For example this line: But I see you, have you locked in my sights
Can be simply rewritten as: But I see you locked in my sight

[RichPy]

Hi all.

I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry. Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn. Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take This line distracted me a bit because I'm not sure if you are talking about the ball flailing around, which doesn't really fit what a ball would do (bounce or roll maybe), or did you mean to write
I flail , meaning the dog doesn't know where to go. That action would seem appropriate for a dog trying to follow the ball. Although flail may not fit the dog either.
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near

Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me The thrill of the chase had already washed over the dog from the beginning. If he's yearning, it would seemed to have passed. The thrill is gone now, so maybe change this to something that implies that it's now over.

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!

I'm new to this forum and new to poetry, so I could be completely off base, but these are just a couple of things that jumped out at me. I'm okay with whole idea of looking at the chase from the dogs perspective, and as I read it, could picture a puppy happily jumping around as you described.

[RonFoReezy]

UberWilhelm
Inside the mind of a puppy
I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize
You fly through the air gently, now falling
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies
You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.
You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near
Victory! In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me
I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!
Hi Uber, I just joined the forum and I see they are big on giving feedback so I am going to give you feedback before I post.
I clicked on your poem first because I too have tried writing a poem from not really a dog's perspective but at least about the mind of a dog. Anyway I thought it was cute at a glance but then I read what the other readers wrote you for feedback and I thought they were pretty tough, especially for a novice writing forum. The only thing I would comment on is that yes it does seem like its from a humans mouth not a dogs head. Especially the line about delivering the ball to its master. That was the line that really got me. Just keep writing and hopefully the critiques gradually get more encouraging.

[Starbeam]

Very nice - I love the concept of getting into the mind of those that cannot speak and giving them a voice. However, your focus on proper line form and rhyme constrains what your message seems to be in the last line. I would try another poem free- form on the same concept and build it around your final line.

[Mwaba don]

Hi all.

 I recently took a creative writing course and decided that I enjoy writing poetry.  Here is one of my first ones that was inspired by my new puppy and I hope it doesn't completely suck. After reading through a bunch of the posts in here I see I have lots to learn.  Thanks for reading!

Inside the mind of a puppy

I see you there ball, mocking me, calling
I take up the chase eyes locked on the prize
You fly through the air gently, now falling   (sounds a little bit cliche but i may be wrong)
How lucky you are, soaring through the skies

You bounce and roll trying to make a break
But I see you, have you locked in my sights
You flail around not sure which path to take
A few steps and my jaws will hold you tight.

You roll to a stop accepting your fate
I am close enough now to smell your fear (the ball has fear?)
I pounce fast for I can no longer wait
The object of my hunt so very near

Victory!  In my mouth my prey sits firm
Head high, my prize held up for all to see
The quest now over my heart starts to yearn
The thrill of the chase washes over me

I will deliver you to my master
He will pick you up and throw you again
With every breath my heart beats faster
With a bark I cry, let the hunt begin!

Intresting topic to write about entering the mind of a puppy.
The first three lines of your stanza look like they need periods. (Generally some punctuation errors).

[moe091]

As another person who has only just written his first poem I'd like to offer some feedback, but feel the need to add a disclaimer that I really don't know what I'm talking about yet, I also feel I have much to learn.

Anyway, compared to my first poem yours looks like it was written by a seasoned poet.
I can't speak much about the technicalities and intricacies of poetry but I can say that you succeeded in communicating emotion in your poem. I like the contrast of how you portray the game of fetch as some serious or even epic endeavor in the mind of the dog while still communicating the spirit of a playful, silly puppy. I think you succeeded in doing what poetry is meant to do.

Unfortunately I'm to new to this to offer any constructive criticism, although I do want to comment on something other people have criticized. I like the line 'I am close enough now to smell your fear' despite the fact that the ball obviously doesn't have fear. I think it helps communicate the mindset of the puppy, because although he's playing with an inanimate object and is probably aware it's not a real prey, it's his hunter instincts that make the game enjoyable to the dog. That line does the best job at giving me a sense of how totally immersed the dogs mind is in this simple game of fetch. That's just my 2 cents though, you'd probably be better off to listen to the advice of the more experienced writers here.

[gypsyrose]

I thought it was a cute poem and agree with you. I sometimes have no idea where the punctuation should go. Some of my poems have it and most of them don't. LOL