An Ill-Thought Expedition
#1
They told their young torchbearer, "Quick!
Just cross that crevice, scout the site
ahead!" - instead, he slipped and set
the bridge alight.

______________________________________________


Nothing major, but any insight into structural components would be great. This is really just more of my wallowing... Tongue Not really, but you might as well put your stuff-ups to good use, right?
Reply
#2
the meter feels out of kilter, it has a fun feel to it but i think the end rhymes screw it up as well. would it work better as a limerick?
Reply
#3
Hi Silver.

It kind of makes no sense to me. It feels more like a synopses of a short story than a poem. I'm not feeling any rhythm, your rhyme feels accidental, and overall it just feels kind of broken. What were you going for?
What is the point of living if you don't allow yourself to live?
Reply
#4
at first when he slipped i thought he fell off the bridge, and it was lighter for that fact. but i see he set it on fire. that was my mistake, not yours. but i have to admit i think it kind of funnier if he fell off the bridge! LOL anyway it is like a tiny little story. and sort of like a tease and i'd rather read more. like, the whole short story it really could be, being there must be a huge imagination behind that tiny little injustice of it. keep it up.
"The best way out is always through."-Robert Frost
dwcapture.com
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!