Doldrums

[cjchaffin]

The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room.

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin.

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting
for a favorable wind to blow.

[Wjames]

The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room. I don't know what you mean by "open-air room".

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire. The shift from your storm metaphor into a massage metaphor is very abrupt.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin. Heat seems a little too strong a word for calm to me, perhaps "a stifling warmth" might work better. Then again, warmth might be too weak to be stifling

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting
for a favorable wind to blow.

I like the idea of using the double meaning of doldrums as the basis of a poem, but I found the poem a little too obscure for me to really get sucked in. I think there might be a little too much metaphor, and not enough story/structure for the metaphor to sit on (at least, for my liking). Hopefully this is of some use to you.

[billy]

you can trim some of the wordage away, i like that you're trying to use metaphor of the storm ending and restarting in order to show a tempestuous relationship. make the extended metaphor work for it's keep.

the actual content felt a little weak and needs shoring up with a few salty images.

The tempest has finally weakened, is finally needed [how long does a tempest last?]
remnants of the storm lingering [more or less a given]
in the open-air room. a suggestion; [it lingers in the room/bedroom/kitchen or any other room, give the room a better descriptor]

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness no need for [is]
as anger and doubt briefly yield no need for briefly
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon is too soon really needed?
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin. not stifling heat is the best phraseology for an impending storm

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting no need for [simply], what else would they be doing,
for a favorable wind to blow.

[SilverMire]

Going to jump in without having read previous crit - keeping a fresh mind, but sorry if I double up!

The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room. Room without a ceiling? Maybe you're aiming more for an "air-lock" feel, still air, rather than this "open" air.

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire. This stanza is pretty cliché to me. Try not to use broad, over-arching nouns, show this "anger" or "tenderness" instead. Doesn't add much to the metaphor either

The proverbial calm returns too soon So too much of this "calm" is a bad thing, I'm guessing.
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin.

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting If they're not speaking, I'm guessing silence is assumed? Maybe I'm just being picky here. Or maybe there can be other sounds that heighten this perceived "silence", or lack of speech.
for a favorable wind to blow. [b]Nice light touch to end.

I really like what you're getting at, the fallout after an argument. Nice symmetry in terms of having four 3-line stanzas, but perhaps aim to link the words within them somehow - doesn't need to be full-blown rhyme, but maybe some sort of meter, slight-rhyme, syllable count, alliteration, assonance, really anything that can distance this just that little bit more from rearranged prose.

Thanks for the read! Hope this helps in some small way [/b]

[UberWilhelm]

The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room.

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin.

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting
for a favorable wind to blow.

Hi cj.

I like the imagery and it's use for what I feel is a metaphor for sex, but there is one thing I am confused on. The line "as anger and doubt briefly yield.....", why anger? I can see doubt as most people are self conscious about sex, but anger? Other than that I liked it. Full of emotion and passion. Of course I would be way off target here but that is what I got out of it.

[ChristopherSea]

Hey Chris, I like the extended metaphor. I think you could have taken it a bit further. I have a similar themed poem (indoor storm at least), although I took it to the extreme (some thought to far ): Crib Death


The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room.

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin.

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting
for a favorable wind to blow.

I hope I have given you some suggestions for your next edit. See what you think. Cheers/Chris

[cjchaffin]

W, billy, Silver, Uber, Chris:

thank you all for the comments/suggestions/feedback. this is exactly what i joined this site for and i'm grateful for the critique.

i think i might ask a mod to move this to the serious workshopping forum though...it might do better there where it can be stripped down and pulled apart so i can revisit it for editing. i should have posted it there to begin with and now that i'm seeing the weaknesses in the content and delivery of the metaphor, i think it's best to open it up to more serious critique. not that what you all haven't given me is wonderful, i just really want to tear it apart now and try to salvage what's left and come back with a stronger edit.

thanks again, all!

---

thank you ellajam for moving this to the appropriate forum

[Todd]

I don't know if you have ever listened to Wovenwar, but they are one of my favorite bands, this reminded me a lot of their song Tempest. Its my favorite one on the CD, so you can say I liked this one a lot. Check out that band if you haven't.

Hello an_unread_rose, I've noticed your first few critiques. You've got to do more than this for these to be considered adequate (especially in the Serious Workshop forum). There needs to be more interaction with the poem that shows you have read it and have an opinion (which you share) on what works and what doesn't. When the critique could be written even if you hadn't read the poem it is simply not enough.

Please put in more effort and try again.

/admin

[Truerenigma]

The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room.

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin.

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting
for a favorable wind to blow.

Hello there. Linger would be stronger than lingering. Returns too soon followed by and is an odd construction. If it were too soon to [something] it would be more sensible. Too soon for what? Assertions are better with evidence. Even better is to just provide the evidence and let the reader form their own conclusions.

Some fine ideas, and the more well worded sections provide an almost palpable image. This section here though:

as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,

Could be probably be done a bit better without the extra-common abstractions that just re-say what the images are trying to do. I think you can find ways to hold these ideas aloft within the imagery without explicating them, as you are not far from there anyway. For instance hard flesh kneaded to softness shows the yield and says all that and more than what is found in the following two lines.

Thank you for the poem.

[cjchaffin]

The tempest has finally weakened,
remnants of the storm lingering
in the open-air room.

Hard flesh is kneaded to softness
as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,
a stifling heat settling over bare skin.

They do not speak; they do not touch.
They simply lie in silence, waiting
for a favorable wind to blow.

Hello there. Lingers would be stronger than lingering. Returns too soon followed by and is an odd construction. If it were too soon to [something] it would be more sensible. Too soon for what? Assertions are better with evidence. Even better is to just provide the evidence and let the reader form their own conclusions.

Some fine ideas, and the more well worded sections provide an almost palpable image. This section here though:

as anger and doubt briefly yield
to tenderness and desire.

The proverbial calm returns too soon
and begins its cycle once more,

Could be probably be done a bit better without the extra-common abstractions that just re-say what the images are trying to do. I think you can find ways to hold these ideas aloft within the imagery without explicating them, as you are not far from there anyway. For instance hard flesh kneaded to softness shows the yield and says all that and more than what is found in the following two lines.

Thank you for the poem.

thanks, true. i've been struggling with a rewrite for this one. you've touched on some points that i really want to address, and i'm grateful for the added perspective. you're spot-on with the brevity...i'll work on it. again, thank you much.