Dead Heat edit 0.0001 foggle

[tectak]

I put diamonds on your fingers, threaded ribbons through your hair,
round your ankles tied tight bangles, silken garters round your thighs.
Brushed toe-nails with gold-flake crimson, scattered glitter everywhere.
Bridged your hips with lace and flowers; pink rose petals on your eyes.

I kissed your ears, pierced them gently, slowly with a silver pin;
around your neck draped chintzy chiffon, white and blood-red polka dot.
I lay beside you, touched you, felt you, held your breath and sucked you in.
I whispered to you, recalled secrets, things we knew but then forgot.

Come tomorrow I will leave you, no words of yours will make me stay.
Let silence mark the parting moment; love, like time, away it slips.
Our hearbeats now are speaking for us, there's nothing else that you can say.
You're hot, my love, my sleeping beauty...gaffer tape across your lips.


tectak
2014
Heh heh heh heh! (Dramatic cadence)

[tectak]

Hi tectak. We don't see too mant aubades anymore. And this one has an innovative, but macabre, twist.

Is the title meant to have a dual meaning? "Dead heat" can mean a competitive tie, or the more jarring necrophilia connotations..but let's not go there..

Overall, I like the musicality..it is mostly iambic, with a few liberties. Some are ok, and others may need to be smoothed out a little.

I put diamonds on your fingers, I put ribbons in your hair;
On your ankles I tied bangles, silken garters round your thighs;
brushed your toes with gold-flake crimson, scattered glitter everywhere.
Bridged your hips with lace and flowers; pink rose petals on your eyes. I wonder if commas would be better than semicolons for all the lines. The continuity would be better, and you could avoid sentence fragments.

I kissed your ears then pierced them gently, slowly with a silver pin;
around your neck draped chintzy chiffon, white and blood-red polka dot.
I lay beside you, touched you, felt you, held your breath and sucked you in.
I whispered to you, recalled secrets, things we knew but then forgot. How about..

"I whispered our collected secrets.."

Also, I noticed the reference to "breath". Is the narrator killing the subject?

Come tomorrow I will leave you, no words of yours will make me stay. how about..

"Come tomorrow I will leave- your words will never make me stay.."
Let silence mark the parting moment; love leaks away and like time, slips. Or..

"..love, like time, away it slips.."
Our hearbeats now are speaking for us, there's nothing else that you can say. This feels like filler. There is a similar line above. And why does the subject have a heartbeat?
You're hot, my love, my sleeping beauty...gaffer tape across your lips.Good ending.
tectak
2014

Thank you. I hope this is beneficial.

Hi foggle,
Many, many thanks for your suggestions. There are always more ways than a thousand of saying the same thing and I will adopt some of your offers. Of course, if something better comes along...
Aubades...hmm. Morning or evening for this one. By the way, she ain't dead yet. Still breathing, just, but getting hotter. Apparently that happens once the ventilating effect of airflow becomes diminished. But no, I don't think he's killing her...though if he leaves her as she is...well, I guess that's that.
I'm enjoying this.
Best,
tectak

[ellajam]

I had her at dead from "pink rose petals on your eyes." L5, then the blood-red in L6 confirmed it for me. The held breath went along for the ride, the end was ugh, N was the cause. So, for me, almost a slasher poem.

[bena]

I like slasher poems. I've written more than a few of them myself. I love the title myself. Some of the lines did seem like filler (esp the ones foggle pointed out) and almost bordered on cliché, but I think that works well with the tongue and cheekiness of this piece.

cheers,
bean