Baptism

[alatos]

Edit 1: (thank you, trueenigma. I had thought that the wording sounded weak, but i just wanted to get my thoughts down (it was late at night)

The sun that set, and plunged ablaze into
the vast and resolutely endless blue,
lit up the fluid miles to my west,
as dusk took form, in one last show of light
that fractured off into the coming night,
and left a sinking feeling in my chest.
The breezes hushed, and silently inhaled.
The stars were dark; the moon was strangely veiled…
the ocean seemed a seamless, empty pit.
And there, beneath the restless clouds, I prayed.
In barely mustered words, my soul afraid
of what it knew it must at last admit,
I whispered psalms within my capsized boat.
The morning found me baptized and afloat.


The sun that set, and plunged ablaze into
the vast and resolutely endless blue,
lit up the fluid miles to my west,
as dusk took form, in one last show of light
that fractured off into the coming night,
and left a sinking feeling in my chest.
The breezes hushed, and silently inhaled.
The stars were dark; the moon was strangely veiled…
the ocean seemed a seamless, empty pit.
And there, beneath the shaded clouds, I prayed.
In barely mustered words, my soul afraid
of what it knew it must at last admit,
I whispered psalms within my capsized boat.
The morning found me baptized and afloat.

[Truerenigma]

The sun that set, and plunged ablaze into
the vast and resolutely endless blue,
lit up the fluid miles to my west,
as dusk took form, in one last show of light
that fractured off into the coming night,
and left a sinking feeling in my chest.
The breezes hushed, and silently inhaled.
The stars were dark; the moon was strangely veiled…
the ocean seemed a seamless, empty pit.
And there, beneath the shaded clouds, I prayed.
In barely mustered words, my soul afraid
of what it knew it must at last admit,
I whispered psalms within my capsized boat.
The morning found me baptized and afloat.

That's nice. Good job. Thank you for the poem. You just reminded me why I go to these damn forums in the first place. I like to be surprised.

One thing seems off. "shaded clouds". I really appreciate that the sinking feeling actually turned out to be from sinking!

[ray]

I think it's quite good. I think it would be better with a less strict or different syllable count

The sun that set, and plunged into
the vast and resolutely blue,
lit up the miles to my west,
as dusk in one last show of light
fractured into coming night,
and left a sinking in my chest.

Something like that, it feels smoother, more natural, I think.

[NietzscheKeen]

I assume you were posting two variations of the same poem. I prefer the restless clouds as I feel it adds more visuals. Most clouds are shady, at least a little and I'm not quite sure what you're trying to imply. I can much more easily visualize the restless clouds and I think readers would have less tendency to get stuck there.

I enjoyed reading it. It required my attention, but wasn't enigmatic. I do feel the first sentence is too long. Maybe break it up so the reader can stop and reflect. I didn't like the abrubtness of the last line of the first stanza, but that was because I thought the poem was going to continue. As an actual ending it is great IMO.

[UberWilhelm]

Hi alatos.

I liked this one. It flowed nicely, had great imagery, conveyed emotion, and told the whole story with a solid finish. I like the change you made in v. 2 (restless clouds) but there is one thing I want to point out. In this line "I whispered psalms within my capsized boat." if he is able to see everything (dusk took form.... fractured light..), that would kind of insinuate that he is outside or on top of the capsized boat so wouldn't "I whispered psalms upon my capsized boat." make a little more sense? Of course I would be way off here but that was really the only thing I could think of to point out. Nice job!

[alatos]

Hi alatos.

I liked this one. It flowed nicely, had great imagery, conveyed emotion, and told the whole story with a solid finish. I like the change you made in v. 2 (restless clouds) but there is one thing I want to point out. In this line "I whispered psalms within my capsized boat." if he is able to see everything (dusk took form.... fractured light..), that would kind of insinuate that he is outside or on top of the capsized boat so wouldn't "I whispered psalms upon my capsized boat." make a little more sense? Of course I would be way off here but that was really the only thing I could think of to point out. Nice job!

Thanks, I'm glad you picked that out. I realized it when I wrote it, and you're right. I meant the capsized to symbolic of a massive trial in life. The overturned boat is this terrible, seemingly hopeless situation. A sink or swim situation, if you will. As the sun sinks, my fate is looking grim. But as it rises (baptized, in a way), it's revealed that I also was 'baptized' and survived. So I somehow find peace WITHIN this situation, not UPON it. But I realize that's a stretch, and I never really liked it from the beginning. I can't think of the right preposition that would both make sense with a literal boat and the figurative one.