Isabelle edit0.01 ella, billy

[tectak]

You need not beg for what I give you freely. Try to recall
the vow we made; though in the past, it's where we now both live.

Of course I'll visit you, my love; for when we meet you smile and all
the world is lit by glimmered recognition. To see you give
a glance my way, then say my name, your name for me,
is better than a thousand wishes granted on a dark, stark day;
better than an ice-melt stream in this cruel desert destiny;
better than one precious breath when death has looked the other way;
better than the hiding hope that lives in sleep but dies each dawn.
Yet but for you, why must I wake? Can we not close our eyes and fall
together down soft steps of time, back to the place where love was born...
if you remember, say my name, in whispers, yes, and I will call
you by my special name for you--just let me think, I know it well--
please do not cry, it hurts too much, my blue-eyed bird, my Isabelle.
tectak
2014

[ellajam]

L6 an ice-melt.

This one has blown me away, it evokes those days when we value every word, spoken or not, each moment shared precious in whatever capacity we can carry it off.

The narrator being the visitor but the one missing words at the end was a beautiful turn. The rhyme is something for me to aspire to, I only saw them when I looked for them.

For me this is a real standout. L2 keeps seeming long to me, but it's only been a few reads. Thanks for posting this. A heartbreaking pleasure.

[tectak]

L6 an ice-melt.

This one has blown me away, it evokes those days when we value every word, spoken or not, each moment shared precious in whatever capacity we can carry it off.

The narrator being the visitor but the one missing words at the end was a beautiful turn. The rhyme is something for me to aspire to, I only saw them when I looked for them.

For me this is a real standout. L2 keeps seeming long to me, but it's only been a few reads. Thanks for posting this. A heartbreaking pleasure.

Hi ella,
not like me to miss an easy alliteration....than an Thanks.

Yes....two old lovers in a nursing home. She with advanced Altz and he with senile dem....very poignant. I saw it. Thanks for comments.
Best,
Tom

[billy]

first off, it feels very very personal, that said i always treat it as non personal. it pulls the reader in and makes them feel part of scenario. while there are a couple of cliched lines or phrases i think they work well enough to stay. the only real thing that made me look twice were the [is's], after the poem starts with "if when we meet" at the 3rd line. is it wordy, yes very but the poem wouldn't be the poem if it was cut away. i did enjoy the read enough to read it a few more times before replying.

You need not beg for what I give you freely. Can you not recall
the vow we made, though in the past is where we now both find we live?

I will visit you, my love. If when we meet you smile then all
the world is lit by glimmered recognition. To see you give is there a tense mix up as it won't be [is] but [will be]
a glance my way, then say my name, your name for me, should the 2nd comma be a semi colonic?
is better than a thousand wishes granted on a dark, stark day; again the is throws me a bit
better than an ice-melt stream in this cruel desert destiny;
better than one precious breath when death has looked the other way;
better than the hiding hope that lives in sleep but dies each dawn. this is a great line that implies we/they remember life when they sleep.
Yet but for you, why must I wake? Can we not close our eyes and fall
together down soft steps of time, back to the place where love was born...
if you remember, say my name, in whispers, yes, and I will call not sure the split works that well here. a suggestion would be to move [you by] up to the end of this line.
you by my special name for you--just let me think, I know it well--
please do not cry, it hurts too much, my blue-eyed bird, my Isabelle. i almost have a tear in my eye.
tectak
2014

[tectak]

first off, it feels very very personal, that said i always treat it as non personal. it pulls the reader in and makes them feel part of scenario. while there are a couple of cliched lines or phrases i think they work well enough to stay. the only real thing that made me look twice were the [is's], after the poem starts with "if when we meet" at the 3rd line. is it wordy, yes very but the poem wouldn't be the poem if it was cut away. i did enjoy the read enough to read it a few more times before replying.

You need not beg for what I give you freely. Can you not recall
the vow we made, though in the past is where we now both find we live?

I will visit you, my love. If when we meet you smile then all
the world is lit by glimmered recognition. To see you give is there a tense mix up as it won't be [is] but [will be]
a glance my way, then say my name, your name for me, should the 2nd comma be a semi colonic?
is better than a thousand wishes granted on a dark, stark day; again the is throws me a bit
better than an ice-melt stream in this cruel desert destiny;
better than one precious breath when death has looked the other way;
better than the hiding hope that lives in sleep but dies each dawn. this is a great line that implies we/they remember life when they sleep.
Yet but for you, why must I wake? Can we not close our eyes and fall
together down soft steps of time, back to the place where love was born...
if you remember, say my name, in whispers, yes, and I will call not sure the split works that well here. a suggestion would be to move [you by] up to the end of this line.
you by my special name for you--just let me think, I know it well--
please do not cry, it hurts too much, my blue-eyed bird, my Isabelle. i almost have a tear in my eye.
tectak
2014

Thanks billy,
Work in progress methinks. No, not at all personal but certainly meant to fool you into the thought. I like this observational minutiae stuff.
I will take your comments on board as always.Oh, you missed the strict rhyme scheme. Good. That is encouraging
Best,
tectak

[Truerenigma]

It does feel intensely personal and authentic. I’m not sure how you pulled some of it off but you did.

You need not beg for what I give you freely.

This concept is overused. You don’t even seem to have a new way of saying it.

Can you not recall
the vow we made, though in the past is where we now both find we live?

“we now both find we live” is awkward and unnatural. This line is far too general in its sentimentalism.

I will visit you, my love. If when we meet you smile then all
the world is lit by glimmered recognition. To see you give

The smile jogging the memory here is nice.

a glance my way, then say my name, your name for me,

I don’t know if A is saying both A and N’s names, or a pet name for N.

is better than a thousand wishes granted on a dark, stark day;

What if one of those thousand wishes were to hear A say the name(s). Wouldn't N then get the same thing plus 999 more wishes, perhaps the same thing 999 more times? That might be too much for you. I’ll just say that I like stark day, but I’m not sure about dark and stark. I get that it could be a dark day because it is a day of little memory, which is a strong idea, but I get that from your comments in the thread, and I want it in the poem.

better than an ice-melt stream in this cruel desert destiny;

is there a better way to say ice-melt stream? There’s gotta be a word that will be useful here. I can’t imagine anyone ever saying this like this. “cruel desert destiny” is pretty strong and terrifying.

better than one precious breath when death has looked the other way;

“one precious breath when death has looked the other way”

This is one of those quotables. The sonics are perfect, the syntax rolls off the tongue. I love the thought. The use of the breath makes it new.

better than the hiding hope that lives in sleep but dies each dawn.

You are on a roll here taking cliches and making them brand new. Very memorable stuff.

Yet but for you, why must I wake? Can we not close our eyes and fall
together down soft steps of time, back to the place where love was born…

I was thralled in these lines up the point of love being born. I want something new there, something that only exists in this poem.

if you remember, say my name, in whispers, yes, and I will call
you by my special name for you--just let me think, I know it well--
please do not cry, it hurts too much, my blue-eyed bird, my Isabelle.

Good stuff.

Overall I think it needs a few more specifics. They don’t have to be true, just equivalent to something you want the poem to say. Phantom memories, symbolic memories, the room they are in--something.

Interestingly enough I read something not too long ago that was discovered by a poet--that mimetic and mnemonic lines of poetry can actually help bring moments of clarity and memory to Alzheimer and Dem patients. I will share it with you if you are interested.

[tectak]

It does feel intensely personal and authentic. I’m not sure how you pulled some of it off but you did.

You need not beg for what I give you freely.

This concept is overused. You don’t even seem to have a new way of saying it.

Can you not recall
the vow we made, though in the past is where we now both find we live?

“we now both find we live” is awkward and unnatural. This line is far too general in its sentimentalism.

I will visit you, my love. If when we meet you smile then all
the world is lit by glimmered recognition. To see you give

The smile jogging the memory here is nice.

a glance my way, then say my name, your name for me,

I don’t know if A is saying both A and N’s names, or a pet name for N.

is better than a thousand wishes granted on a dark, stark day;

What if one of those thousand wishes were to hear A say the name(s). Wouldn't N then get the same thing plus 999 more wishes, perhaps the same thing 999 more times? That might be too much for you. I’ll just say that I like stark day, but I’m not sure about dark and stark. I get that it could be a dark day because it is a day of little memory, which is a strong idea, but I get that from your comments in the thread, and I want it in the poem.

better than an ice-melt stream in this cruel desert destiny;

is there a better way to say ice-melt stream? There’s gotta be a word that will be useful here. I can’t imagine anyone ever saying this like this. “cruel desert destiny” is pretty strong and terrifying.

better than one precious breath when death has looked the other way;

“one precious breath when death has looked the other way”

This is one of those quotables. The sonics are perfect, the syntax rolls off the tongue. I love the thought. The use of the breath makes it new.

better than the hiding hope that lives in sleep but dies each dawn.

You are on a roll here taking cliches and making them brand new. Very memorable stuff.

Yet but for you, why must I wake? Can we not close our eyes and fall
together down soft steps of time, back to the place where love was born…

I was thralled in these lines up the point of love being born. I want something new there, something that only exists in this poem.

if you remember, say my name, in whispers, yes, and I will call
you by my special name for you--just let me think, I know it well--
please do not cry, it hurts too much, my blue-eyed bird, my Isabelle.

Good stuff.

Overall I think it needs a few more specifics. They don’t have to be true, just equivalent to something you want the poem to say. Phantom memories, symbolic memories, the room they are in--something.

Interestingly enough I read something not too long ago that was discovered by a poet--that mimetic and mnemonic lines of poetry can actually help bring moments of clarity and memory to Alzheimer and Dem patients. I will share it with you if you are interested.

Hi true,
I'm afraid I did my usual annoying trick of editing on line before everyone had had their pound of flesh.
Some of the lines in this were destined to be rubbished because I was using the turn of phrase to help with the characterisation....no, really, I was The near cliches are enough to set my hackles up but first person authenticity sometimes requires the common touch....though in my defense (I might overcook this) I did not and do not recognise the ubiquity of "do not beg for what I freely give"...a failing on my part.
There is a rhyme scheme strangle-hold on this which no one has yet remarked on so I forgive myself to some extent for the corny ethos throughout....others will not. Dark and Stark sound like American cops so there may be changes.
I agree, however, wholeheartedly with the objection to "cruel desert destiny"....insofar as it is an unlikely comment from the character but a highly defining moment in my interpretation of just how it must feel to be in a cerebral landscape lacking familiar features and memorised tracks. Worse, it can come to us all.
Finally, re your paper (not sic) on mimetic and mnemonic lines. Yes to a read. I extended this idea myself on more than one occasion with a few ancients in my mother's (deceased) care home...noting that familiar verse and song (Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy...a kid'll eat ivy, too. Wouldn't you) could trigger upwellings of quite surprising contemporary sentience that was almost completely lacking for most of the time.
I am treating this as work in progress but do not want the sonnet police at my door because of rhyme or form...so changes may mean that things do not stay the same!
Best,
tectak
PS. Your "Wish Theory" was long ago demolished with the Genie in the Bottle. Three wishes? The first wish is for four wishes etc. etc. etc.

[Truerenigma]

It does feel intensely personal and authentic. I’m not sure how you pulled some of it off but you did.

You need not beg for what I give you freely.

This concept is overused. You don’t even seem to have a new way of saying it.

Can you not recall
the vow we made, though in the past is where we now both find we live?

“we now both find we live” is awkward and unnatural. This line is far too general in its sentimentalism.

I will visit you, my love. If when we meet you smile then all
the world is lit by glimmered recognition. To see you give

The smile jogging the memory here is nice.

a glance my way, then say my name, your name for me,

I don’t know if A is saying both A and N’s names, or a pet name for N.

is better than a thousand wishes granted on a dark, stark day;

What if one of those thousand wishes were to hear A say the name(s). Wouldn't N then get the same thing plus 999 more wishes, perhaps the same thing 999 more times? That might be too much for you. I’ll just say that I like stark day, but I’m not sure about dark and stark. I get that it could be a dark day because it is a day of little memory, which is a strong idea, but I get that from your comments in the thread, and I want it in the poem.

better than an ice-melt stream in this cruel desert destiny;

is there a better way to say ice-melt stream? There’s gotta be a word that will be useful here. I can’t imagine anyone ever saying this like this. “cruel desert destiny” is pretty strong and terrifying.

better than one precious breath when death has looked the other way;

“one precious breath when death has looked the other way”

This is one of those quotables. The sonics are perfect, the syntax rolls off the tongue. I love the thought. The use of the breath makes it new.

better than the hiding hope that lives in sleep but dies each dawn.

You are on a roll here taking cliches and making them brand new. Very memorable stuff.

Yet but for you, why must I wake? Can we not close our eyes and fall
together down soft steps of time, back to the place where love was born…

I was thralled in these lines up the point of love being born. I want something new there, something that only exists in this poem.

if you remember, say my name, in whispers, yes, and I will call
you by my special name for you--just let me think, I know it well--
please do not cry, it hurts too much, my blue-eyed bird, my Isabelle.

Good stuff.

Overall I think it needs a few more specifics. They don’t have to be true, just equivalent to something you want the poem to say. Phantom memories, symbolic memories, the room they are in--something.

Interestingly enough I read something not too long ago that was discovered by a poet--that mimetic and mnemonic lines of poetry can actually help bring moments of clarity and memory to Alzheimer and Dem patients. I will share it with you if you are interested.

Hi true,
I'm afraid I did my usual annoying trick of editing on line before everyone had had their pound of flesh.
Some of the lines in this were destined to be rubbished because I was using the turn of phrase to help with the characterisation....no, really, I was The near cliches are enough to set my hackles up but first person authenticity sometimes requires the common touch....though in my defense (I might overcook this) I did not and do not recognise the ubiquity of "do not beg for what I freely give"...a failing on my part.
There is a rhyme scheme strangle-hold on this which no one has yet remarked on so I forgive myself to some extent for the corny ethos throughout....others will not. Dark and Stark sound like American cops so there may be changes.
I agree, however, wholeheartedly with the objection to "cruel desert destiny"....insofar as it is an unlikely comment from the character but a highly defining moment in my interpretation of just how it must feel to be in a cerebral landscape lacking familiar features and memorised tracks. Worse, it can come to us all.
Finally, re your paper (not sic) on mimetic and mnemonic lines. Yes to a read. I extended this idea myself on more than one occasion with a few ancients in my mother's (deceased) care home...noting that familiar verse and song (Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy...a kid'll eat ivy, too. Wouldn't you) could trigger upwellings of quite surprising contemporary sentience that was almost completely lacking for most of the time.
I am treating this as work in progress but do not want the sonnet police at my door because of rhyme or form...so changes may mean that things do not stay the same!
Best,
tectak
PS. Your "Wish Theory" was long ago demolished with the Genie in the Bottle. Three wishes? The first wish is for four wishes etc. etc. etc.

Tec, clarity issues in my post. i don't object to the desert. The objections were with ice-melt. "Strong and terrifying" means good.

I meant /it/ couldn't be better than the wishes because he could wish for /it/ itself then still have 999 more wishes. Silly I know. I was merely presenting a paradox.

I will dig up the paper and p.m. it to you sometime this weekend.