The Rut

[Tiger the Lion]

The Rut

A boreal chill prevails;
bull nostrils in full heat and fury
snort a hormonal hate,
and eyes like soft-boiled eggs watch it condense
into one more mountain mist.

It's how October demands it.

In the Rockies, testosterone is cash.
Look how they flash it about,
when the rut begins.

They gather for their annual ball,
picking fights first with soft cedars,
just to rehearse their horns
before the clashing;
clashing heads and spines
turn fancies into wars.

‘til finally, too concussed to be cold,
a victor meets his ill-betrothed.

It's how October demands it.

[billy]

hi tiger, i think you did a pretty good job with this one, there's a few nits that tone the poem down fro the all out war it seems to want to be but you have a feel of rut. i'd go for more descriptive words where you can, for instance you say [bull nostrils] a suggestion would be [snorting nostrils] or something else as snort has already been used. i think the last line is to weak a refrain to use it twice,

i'd like to see how you develop this one

thanks for the read.

The Rut

A boreal chill prevails; i keep wanting to read this as arboreal. a suggestion would be [the boreal]
bull nostrils in full heat and fury
snort a hormonal hate, no need for [a] i like the hormonal hate, it's like a male time of the month...in this case year
and eyes like soft-boiled eggs watch it condense i like the juxtaposition of this and the above to separate the male and females.
into one more mountain mist.

It's how October demands it. is [it's how] needed?

In the Rockies, testosterone is cash.
Look how they flash it about, [look how] brings the poem down to much i also thought about swing instead of flash to demonstrate the swaggering male a little more
when the rut begins.

They gather for their annual ball,
picking fights first with soft cedars, a suggestion would be pick] a comma after [fights]
just to rehearse their horns [just] isn't needed and i'm not sure horns do either, a suggestion would be prowess or something to denote how good they are at fighting.
before the clashing; does clash work better?
clashing heads and spines clashing so soon ? can another word other than that and bang be used?
turn fancies into wars.

‘til finally, too concussed to be cold,
a victor meets his ill-betrothed. i'd suggest mounts but that could just be me

It's how October demands it.

[ChristopherSea]

The Rut

A boreal chill prevails;
bull nostrils in full heat and fury
snort a hormonal hate,
and eyes like soft-boiled eggs watch it condense
into one more mountain mist.

It's how October demands it.

In the Rockies, testosterone is cash.
Look how they flash it about,
when the rut begins.

They gather for their annual ball,
picking fights first with soft cedars,
just to rehearse their horns
before the clashing;
clashing heads and spines
turn fancies into wars.

‘til finally, too concussed to be cold,
a victor meets his ill-betrothed.

It's how October demands it.

Hey Paul, I really like natural history pieces. This is a great visual. I do think that you could have greater impact using more brevity of word.

In Line 2, stanza one ‘heat and’ could be deleted and make better use of the alliteration.

Line 3 may read better as ‘snort with hormonal hatred.’

I always try using direct metaphor before simile, would dropping the ‘and’ & 'like' and then using ‘soft-boiled egg eyes watch it condense’ work for you?

Simply saying, ‘into mountain mist’ and ‘October demands it’ are more direct.

‘rehearse their horns’ reads odd to me, ‘hone their horns’ may be more biologically accurate and more alliterative.

‘clashing; clashing’ clashes. Maybe ‘thrashing’ followed by a period for the first one.

Hopefully you can find some ideas for your next edit from this. See what you think, Cheers/Chris

[ellajam]

Hi, Paul, interesting subject with lots of potential. I think you may be able to trim a bit, here are some notes to consider.

The Rut

A boreal chill prevails; Evocative opening.
bull nostrils in full heat and fury
snort a hormonal hate,
and eyes like soft-boiled eggs watch it condense
into one more mountain mist.
I'm not a fan of "hate" here, for me it reads better as

bull nostrils in full heat
snort a hormonal fury

though I'm not sure you need "bull's". I'm not quite sold on rutting animals watching the chill turn to mist, it's a bit calm for their state.

It's how October demands it.

In the Rockies, testosterone is cash.
Look how they flash it about,
when the rut begins.
Here, I'm not sure you need to mention rut again, maybe

In the Rockies, testosterone is cash.
They flash it about, October demands it.

or something like that.

They gather for their annual ball,
picking fights first with soft cedars,
just to rehearse their horns
before the clashing;
clashing heads and spines
turn fancies into wars.
All well done, maybe lose the just and one clashing.

‘til finally, too concussed to be cold,
a victor meets his ill-betrothed.

It's how October demands it.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks everyone for your input. I always knew the "October" line wouldn't work twice- it wasn't really meant as a refrain - I just wasn't sure which to keep. I was leaning toward ditching the first instance, but now I wonder if both are somehow misplaced. Funny, but I wanted there to be a lot of "clashing". I think I used it 3 times in the first write. Editing this piecemeal right now. Might have something soon. Thanks.

[QDeathstar]

I think the refrains could work, but they need to be made more interesting.

"Now October demands the transformation" (if i'm reading the poem right)

And

"Still, October demands the sacrifice"


I think the refrain gives an important change of pace to the poem. I think the poem would come off a bit too heavy without them.

[bena]

I love this piece. Not many people know about how the bull Elks attack anything and everything when the mating season starts. I personally think you can find a better visual for those crazy eyes besides eggs. In fact, in that stanza it is hard to say whether or not it's people watching with the egg eyes or the bulls themselves, I just assumed it was the bulls.

The promise of sex in any species makes males insane. This much I know.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you Bena. My edit is not going very smoothly so I appreciate the encouragement. The eggs are gone. Haha. I tried 'em soft boiled, hard boiled, scrambled etc. None of which tasted any better. Annoying really, because ungulate eyes really do look quite like boiled eggs. Still toying with this. Thanks again. - Paul

[billy]

please give more than this in any of the three main feedback forums. if you're not sure how much to give, read the the information at the top of the respective forums/admin

I like the repetition of "It's how October demands it." It seems to mark the inexorability of fate.

[Leanne]

I have to have five replies to post, this is one of them.

No it's not -- this is NOT critique, it's cheating, so your post total goes down by one. And now I'm off to see if the rest of your "replies" are as cynical as this one, and if they are, you'll be back to zero/ Admin