Cancer

[Mwaba don]

A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body,
“You have Cancer” the doctor said, at First.

Pooh… there must be a mistake?
for a couple of seconds my world went black
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.

Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die
or if life would ever be enjoyable
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes.

But, I chose not to give in to despair,
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.

Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.

I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.

Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.

Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!

(Note: Based on a conversation with my aunt)

[billy]

while i read the footnote and accept what the reader states as a given. the poem is too wordy. a constant meter would help with the read but in general it needs a fair bit of imagery
the first line does draw the reader in but could be beneficially edited to give a little more of the same. (impact)
A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest

A sad tearing anger lay on my chest
growing uncertainty
a numbness recurring in my body,
(perfect place here for a metaphor or simile)

sorry about the rewrite. it was easier to show than explain. in this piece there needs to be more showing and less explaining. the poet doesn't have to recount a discussion verbatim. it's best if they use artistic license and poetic device. the reader will assume the doctor said "you have cancer" without needing to be told. if you want to create impact, imply  "fuck me doctor, are you positive" though of course the expletives are words i use,

my suggestions are to cut away the mundane phrases/lines and replace them with something solid. cancer can't be blase. it's a killer.

allow the reader some small amount of being able to connect dots 1 to 3 without showing him number two dot.
change the cliches, there are a few of them that stick out. i didn't comment on all of them.

thanks for the read.

A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body,
“You have Cancer” the doctor said, at First.

Pooh… there must be a mistake? did someone fart?
for a couple of seconds my world went black too shallow and also cliched.
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.

Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die big cliche
or if life would ever be enjoyable
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes. big cliche

But, I chose not to give in to despair,
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.

Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.

I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.

Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.

Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!

(Note: Based on a conversation with my aunt)

[Kostallo]

Very relatable poem for many of us have had at least one family member befall by cancer. It is very important to keep your head up and stay strong in times such as these. I commend you for your strength in these tough times. I agree the poem itself is a little wordy the flow can be hard to follow at points. Try to find a few words to cover a group of your words you have throughout. To help create a little more imagery. All in all has great potential to be an amazing motivational poem. At this stage its a little bit of a motivational statement. Thank you for your post spoke to my heart deeply.

[Erthona]

A sad and tearing anger was laying on my chest   Maybe rip instead of tear.
in the midst of growing uncertainty
as a numb feeling was recurring in my body, (run on sentence)
“You have Cancer”   (cut: "the doctor said, at First.)

Pooh… there must be a mistake?  (pooh,  Winnie the Pooh? At least put an exclamation point on it)
for a couple of seconds my world went black
but as bold as hope is I held myself back
as I recalled my family’s presence.

Empathy covered their faces
as I wondered if I would live or die
or if life would ever be enjoyable   (or, or, or)
as they stood in silence with tears in their eyes.

But, I chose not to give in to despair, (into?)
my family’s presence was my only strength
that to empower myself I listened in faith to knowledge of health
because my family is my vision of hope.

Though I may remember the day I was told
That moment came with gratitude in itself,
that is, to learn to stay on my feet choosing not miss my life
Keeping my faith and strengths, seeking health everyday.

I write and tell this story
it’s like a prayer for me and a guide for my family
likewise, it’s a guide for the community,
raising awareness that we may live in understanding and joy.

Though times may come when it drowns me down
it taught me best to stay on my feet
Seeking balance and to be content
it taught me best to leave despair behind.

Therefore, I seek good health everyday
taking care of myself a little more
living with passion and furthermore
always to be Happy!

(Note: Based on a conversation with my aunt)

Mwaba,

I decided not to go line by line all the way, as many have already done so, not because it is error free.

Quatrains are used in poetry because of the meter/rhyme such as in ballad meter or common meter, based on alternating lines of three and four feet of iambs, with the rhyme being being axax, or abab, respectfully. So line break is not ad hoc. When one is not under the constriction of formal poetry, each line exists because of the significance of content, that is to put emphasis on a part of the sentence, such as a phrase or a pause. As this has only incidental rhyme, and no meter, there is no compelling reason for it to be in quatrains. In fact there is a much stronger case for it not to be in quatrains, not the least of which is to write sentences that are over long for their purpose, and as such be broken into several shorter sentences. This is not to mention this is also a narrative.

Basing the form of a poem on imitation is a common mistake by novice writers (by novice I mean 5 to 10 years of writing poetry.) This only points out that you probably need more study in relation to the form of poetry. As a general rule metered/rhymed poetry is based on the substance (content meaning) being subservient to the form. In contemporary poetry, the roles are generally switched.

As this is in the "mild critique" section, I will stop here.

Dale    

[brandontoh]

Since this is the mild critique section, I won't go into too much detail. A few points to note:

1- For such an emotionally heavy subject, simply telling readers what you feel is not enough. Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

2- Avoid cliches. While the subject is personal to you and, once again, emotionally heavy, it is something that has been done many times before. Pay more mind to the imagery you're trying to depict, and the words you use.